Friday 29 January 2010

God: I did what I believed to be right

Speaking at his long-awaited appearance before the Inquiry into the 2003 invasion of Iraq, God today said that He had only done what He thought was right. God, who arrived at the QE2 centre early to avoid protestors outside, said: "Leadership is about difficult choices. Ultimately I had to make a decision and I truly and honestly believed that creating Tony Blair was the right thing to do. It's a decision I would take again."

Music Desk: David Bowie

Tuesday 26 January 2010

Growth of 0.1% coincidentally same as Labour's chance of winning election

Experts say that the 0.1% growth in the final three months of 2009 is precisely the same chance that Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling (pictured) have of winning the general election this year. Some commentators have however advised further caution in the months ahead, saying that the chances of Labour victory may well be actually far lower than the headline figure. The Labour party recession began in the first quarter of 2003, and is the longest on record.

Thursday 21 January 2010

Fake wolf picture disqualified

Yesterday this shot of a wolf in sheep's clothing was stripped of first place in the Wildly Misleading Photographer of the Year competition after judges ruled the picture was probably faked. Critics say that the picture, which shows David Cameron leaping through populist hoops, breaches the competition's rules because the subject is probably a wax model held in captivity at Millbank Tower in Westminster.

Wednesday 20 January 2010

Brazenly Elitist Competition - Enter today

Insufficiently able simultaneously to smash up a restaurant, roger a small mammal and recite all 15 books of Ovid's Metamorphoses? Idiot.

Instead why not enter our competition? Win prizes* by simply completing the following sentence:

I would have got into the Bullingdon Club but......

Enter here.


Friday 15 January 2010

Sunday 10 January 2010

Friday 8 January 2010

Thursday 7 January 2010

Big Freeze: New crisis as council runs out of salt, cracked pepper, balsamic vinegar

Hundreds of diners in Islington were today forced to abandon their tables after the local authority ran out of vital condiments on a second day of ice and snow in the capital. Tonight there was little sign of much-needed deliveries of sea-salt, cracked pepper and balsamic vinegar and table service was left badly disrupted by the conditions. Furious restaurant owners have criticised the council's response to the crisis. "It's pretty outrageous," said one angry restaurateur. "We are even almost out of juniper infused oil and wasabi mayonnaise," he added.

And in other news: Earth to be wiped out by supernova explosion

Wednesday 6 January 2010

Banana offers lukewarm support to PM

Westminster was awash with renewed speculation tonight as one of the leading bananas in the cabinet offered unenthusiastic support for the prime minister following calls for a leadership ballot. A spokesman for the prime minister said that Mr Brown was "relaxed and getting on with the job of destroying the Labour Party and all his enemies one by one."

David Cameron: Campaign poster is not airbrushed

London grinds to a halt as millions pretend they can't get to work

Dig, dig for your lives.

Saturday 2 January 2010

Heather Mills named vegetable of the year

Congratulations your Ladyship.

Bullingdon Clubbers