Friday, 27 March 2009

Catholic delight at wedding plans

Catholics were delighted to learn that they will get the opportunity to marry into the royal family under new plans to reform the 1701 Act of Settlement. Catholics have long lobbied for the opportunity to marry into this famously supportive and functional family.

Gerry Adams - a prominent Catholic - professed himself thrilled at the opportunity: "Those marriages seem to work out really well" he said "And the children are just precious".

PM pays surprise visit on Mervyn King


Thursday, 26 March 2009

US treasury secretary breaks wind before Congress

US treasury secretary Timothy Geithner broke wind before the US Congress at a special clear-the-air meeting today intended to discuss the financial crisis.

"I didn't realise it was their turn," mumbled an embarrassed Geithner.

Saturday, 21 March 2009

Gay curse kills Natasha - Telegraph

The real reason for Natasha Richardson's death was revealed by the Telegraph yesterday. Her father and grandfather were bisexual (shudder), the Telegraph explains, and this curse on the family inevitably resulted in death and tragedy.

The Mail also finds the curse responsible for her uncle's heart attack while defending a Travellers' Site (shudder)and suggests that the gay curse may also have been responsible for Vanessa Redgrave's left wing politics (shudder, shake head, shudder).

Thursday, 19 March 2009

End in sight as Tories outline plans to tackle recession

There was widespread jubilation across the UK this week as David Cameron outlined Conservative Party plans to tackle the recession. Street parties sprung up in towns and cities across the country after the Tories revealed an ambitious programme designed to bring the financial crisis to an end. Excited voters huddled around television sets as Mr Cameron announced the package of measures, including:

  • RESTORING Ken Clarke to the front bench
  • FREEZING the BBC licence fee
  • JUST bear with me a moment
  • DRUMMING fingers on table top
  • WHAT was that other thing?
  • OOH LOOK! A squirrel!

Margaret Thatcher is 83.

Monday, 16 March 2009

Editorial: Why Ken Loach should apologise for High School Musical 3

Ken Loach should be ashamed of himself. He, as a film director, should understand more than most why rubbish films like High School Musical 3, or anything with Tom Cruise, anger decent, law-abiding, liberal people. And if the entirely understandable anger of those people at, say, a Robin Williams movie were to cause them to punch Mr Loach in the face, we at Olly's Onions would not condone that violence, but we would understand it. For he is a film director, and Patch Adams was also made by a film director. So was the new Pink Panther film. And if cinema enthusiasts scream in his face, "Why can't you leave Inspector Clouseau ALOOONE? Don't you realise that Steve Martin is JUST NOT FUNNY ANYMORE?!" while burning effigies of Mr Loach, and boycotting his films, and daubing obscenities on his house, and beating up his children, can he blame them? We certainly could not. If Mr Loach complains that these attacks are unjustified, that is merely a distraction from the fact that he is an idiot.

We look forward to Mr Loach's next film, which is expected to "understand" discrimination against black people because of all the shitty things African governments do.

Friday, 13 March 2009

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

How I gunged Mandelson and managed to stay absolutely gorgeous in the process

Guest post
Leila Preen

The fact that I was an absolutely gorgeous woman who marched up to Mr Mandelson gave me a head start when it came to throwing mock green slime - not real green slime, that is a patriarchal concept - in his face. Here was a well-dressed, dare I say absolutely gorgeous, state school, middle class woman confronting the unelected OverLord patriarch Mandelson and, yes, questioning his right to take a political platform on climate change by throwing an intensely feminist mixture of flour, water and food dye in his great fat patriarchal face, the big bullying man. I for one didn't give him any simpering compliments like most women probably would if they weren't being oppressed by patriarchal climate change much more than men who started climate change anyway, the patriarchs. It's down to absolutely gorgeous women like me to sort this problem out. So if another patriarchal newspaper asks me about being absolutely gorgeous, which I am, then I will absolutely scream until I am sick, but I will put up with it, because the only way we can change things in this undemocratic patriarchal society is with gunge and slime and custard. Do you like my shoes?

Saturday, 7 March 2009

Violence erupts as bankers take to picket lines

The City of London today saw the bloodiest confrontation yet between police and bankers as the blockade of Threadneedle Street continued. Officers wielding batons and shields broke up crowds of bankers who were then charged by police on horseback. Nearly one hundred picketing bankers were arrested bringing the total detained during the month-long blockade to more than two thousand. Hundreds more bankers were reported injured. The confrontation will do little to ease tensions between bankers and the government who seem more determined than ever to defeat what they refer to privately as 'the enemy within'. But bankers' leader Fred Goodwin remains defiant. "Thousands of my men have put their whole working life into digging every last bonus out of these moneypits," he said. "We won't give them up without a fight."

Bullingdon Clubbers