Sunday, 30 March 2008

Fury as baggage continues to pile up

Boris Johnson's political baggage is piled so high that experts predict his bid to become London mayor may topple at any moment. Meanwhile London voters, sickened at the prospect of the adulterous, racist associate of criminals becoming mayor, are heading for Heathrow's new Terminal 5 in their thousands.

Brothers Grimm consult lawyers over slur

Breaking news: False Leg Desk

Story about false legs, giant squids, the lot.

Thursday, 27 March 2008

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

Women responsible for male drug abuse, suicide and adultery - the bitches

The Evening Standard today plumbed new depths of misogyny and idiocy with its publication of Nirpal Dhaliwal's claim to "understand" the death of Jason Rae - the husband of Corinne Bailey Rae. Dhaliwal argued that the death - from a drugs overdose - probably reflected Mr Rae's feelings about Corinne Bailey Rae's successful career. Dhaliwal told readers that he too had been married to a successful woman and had been so upset by her success that he had been driven to adultery.
Women forced to read Dhaliwal's self-indulgent drivel are thought to have experienced nausea and an urgent need for alcohol. At least one female reader reported experiencing homicidal thoughts.

French, UK leaders enjoy time with less popular politician

As a state summit takes place between their two countries, French president Nicolas Sarkozy and UK prime minister Gordon Brown both admit that they are happy to spend time with a foreign politician who is less popular than themselves. Sarkozy, who has drawn flak at home for his perceived lack of dignity in the office of president after marrying former fashion model Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, has been looking forward to appearing side-by-side with the UK prime minister. Brown, whose Labour government has struggled in opinion polls since he took over from Tony Blair, has similarly been enjoying appearing statesmanlike next to a man that the French media has dubbed "Président Bling-Bling". "Thank God I'm not in his position," read a joint communiqué today.

Clinton unveils new campaign team


Monday, 24 March 2008

Hybrid creatures round on Catholic Church

A coalition of Greek mythological creatures has written to every MP urging them to back the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill, which will allow the creation of part-human, part-animal embryos. At the weekend Scottish Cardinal Keith O'Brien said the bill would allow "grotesque procedures" which would "attack the sanctity and dignity of human life," but the Minotaur today criticised the church's stance on the issue. "Some people say that these Cardinals are potential human beings and should be treated with respect, but we cannot agree with that," said the half man, half bull. "Without this sort of scientific breakthrough we would have had no Sphinx, no Siren, no Centaur," he added. "And would the cruel church really wish to deny the Satyr his boundless, immortal erection?"

Nadine Dorries, cui bono?

No clear answer here.

Friday, 21 March 2008

Breaking news - Presidential candidates have dates of birth and passport numbers

The revelation that bored US passport officials looked at the passport details of the Presidential candidates was greeted with huge relief today.
News editors, struggling to fill bulletins with their seasonal standbys "Thousands head for the sun as cold snap hits UK" and "Easter getaway causes travel chaos", were delighted by the story which, although completely boring, gave the impression of being news.

Thursday, 20 March 2008

Easter celebrations begin around the world

Story here.

Chapeau to Monsieur Millar
Olly adds:
(Hallelujahs: Will)

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

McCain impulsively threatens critics over 'hothead' accusations

Republican presidential candidate John McCain has promised massive and disproportionate revenge against anyone who accuses him of being a hothead. "I will follow [them] to the gates of hell and I will shoot [them]," the Arizona senator vowed. McCain has drawn fire before for his volcanic temperament, for using obscene swear words at fellow lawmakers on several occasions, and for joking about bombing Iran. But the senator insists the criticisms are overdone, and pledges to kick the shit out of any of the "fucking jerks" who repeat them. "Fuck you," he added. McCain is currently on a tour of the Middle East to show off his statesmanlike credentials.

Tuesday, 18 March 2008

Global financial system "fucked" says Fed Chairman

"We are absolutely fucked," said US Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today, after the United States' 5th largest investment bank, Bear Stearns, was bought by JP Morgan for two chocolate cupcakes and some sprinkles, interest rates were slashed again, the dollar plunged and panic spread through financial markets worldwide. "You have no idea," Bernanke added, "how fucked we are. I'm fucked, you're fucked, we're all fucked. No-one knows what kind of shit they've bought, or sold, or have been landed with. Fuck this. You want rate cuts? YOU WANT RATE CUTS?! I'LL GIVE YOU FUCKING RATE CUTS!"

The Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King, did not share his US counterpart's optimism. "Oh my fucking god," he said today. "We haven't got a fucking clue. Any of us. It's all built on shit that's sinking fast. It's quicksand. Quickshit. Whatever. Fuck."

Heather: Paul has favourable press

Gold-digger Lady Mucca Mills-McCartney today falsely claimed that coverage of her divorce battle has been biased in favour of former husband Paul McCartney. Sir Paul, pictured, is maintaining a perfect, divine silence on the matter.

Monday, 17 March 2008

Sunday, 16 March 2008

Nation shocked by discovery of latest appalling family

Full appalling story, by our appalling families who are not like us and deserve whatever appalling thing they get correspondent.

Friday, 14 March 2008

Wednesday, 12 March 2008

Hillary goes on attack with 3am phone call ad.

"It's 3am and your cows are asleep," the voice over says. "There's a phone in the White House, and it's ringing. Something is happening in the world. Your vote will decide who milks the cows."

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Pupils should kneel before Zod

School pupils should "kneel before Zod" to encourage feelings of belonging and citizenship, recently retired attorney general Lex Luthor told the BBC's Today programme. Bowing before the exiled Kryptonian supervillain would foster a sense of communal pride and citizenship, says Luthor. Critics say that General Zod is a poor symbol on which to base a national unity drive. "As an unelected alien overlord with superpowers, Zod does not represent the experience of the majority of UK citizens," says Labour peer Baroness Kennedy. But Luthor believes that Zod — who has been a merciless oppressor since being accidentally freed from his deep-space Phantom Zone prison — can be a unifying force in UK national life. "I mean, it's no less ridiculous than pledging allegiance to a hereditary monarch from a German background."

I see a role for Mandelson says Brown as feud ends


Thursday, 6 March 2008

Millions face disappointment unconfined

Seven hour talk exposing the dreamworld we believe to be real sold out.

Renoir adds:

Ickean Disciples strike a blow against the true Rulers of the Earth (pictured below: Princess Michael of Kent)


Wednesday, 5 March 2008

Bush endorses McCain for vice-president

President George Bush, giving his endorsement to Republican presidential nominee John McCain today, said that he is looking forward to having him help out around the White House over the next four years. "John, you've fought a good campaign," the president told the Arizona senator. "Together, we can continue to serve this great nation of ours." McCain tried to speak several times at the press conference on the White House lawn, but reporters were distracted by the president handing out "Bush-McCain in '08" badges. "Four more years!" Bush added.

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

Obama critical of insufficiently biased press

Handsome Illinois Senator Barack Obama, speaking in his famed baritone, has criticised reporters after a week in which media coverage of his campaign switched from the girlishly starry-eyed to the merely droolingly aroused.

Condoleezza Rice unhappy with portrait artist

Middle East tour continues.

Sunday, 2 March 2008

Newspapers deny fawning over Harry

Newspaper editors have rejected suggestions that the coverage of Prince Harry's daring desert escapades has been nothing more than grovelling PR for the Royal Family. The soldier prince's war came to an abrupt end after he was dramatically pulled out of Afghanistan when his cover was blown, but papers deny that their coverage has been overly fawning. "Prince Harry is an ordinary soldier who is prepared to die for the country he doesn't much like," says News of the World editor Colin Myler, who claims the coverage has been balanced. "For security reasons for instance we have agreed not to report on Harry's one man mission during which he single-handedly rescued hundreds of prisoners of war from captivity before heroically commandeering a tank and colliding it into a helicopter killing the enemy commander."

Bullingdon Clubbers