Thursday, 25 June 2009

Republicans shocked by faithfulness revelations

At a tearful press conference, Indiana's Republican governor Mitch Daniels admitted that he has not been unfaithful to his wife, potentially scuppering his hopes of a run at the presidency in 2012. With a promising career in tatters, Daniels begged forgiveness of his family and party.

"I take strength from God, my daughters and my loving wife," Daniels said. "And I hope my fellow Republicans can forgive me for this shameful episode of not doing anything to be ashamed of."

The Republican party, long a bastion for white men that privately indulge in extra-marital affairs, prescription drug abuse, racism and approaches to underage boys while preaching strong family values, has been rocked by the revelations of a lack of revelations.

"It's a sad day for the party," Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele says. "You think you can trust a fellow GOP man to go behind the back of everyone close to him and still advocate hypocritically for biblical moral values. But I guess there's always a few non-rotten apples in every barrel."

Friday, 12 June 2009

Music Desk: Shatner

Because it never gets old.

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

'Gördondämmerung' goes on and on

Opera fans are flocking to a rare performance of Richard Wagner's "Gördondämmerung" at the Westminster Opera House of Commons. One of the composer's lesser-known works, the piece is the last in the epic four-opera cycle "Der Ring des Nr. 10 Downing Straße" and recounts the legend of the hero Brownhilde, whose quest for power ends in the fiery drawn-out death of his party's popularity. The current performance, which is proving to be one of the longest in the world of opera, includes the arias "O, diese expensen!", "Keine Rheinmaiden lieben mich", and the show-stopping "Verdammte europäische electionen". The saga is expected to end in Brownhilde's defeat at the apocalyptic battle of Generalelectionarok next year.

Parliamentary Labour Party gives backing to PM


Friday, 5 June 2009

Cabinet shock as no one resigns for over an hour

There was further confusion in Westminster tonight after no one at all resigned from the cabinet for more than an hour. Prime Minister Gordon Brown insisted he would not be forced out of office by the shock development, described by a spokesman as more evidence of a Blairite plot to destabilise the PM's position.

Thursday, 4 June 2009

New rumours pile pressure on PM

Downing Street has moved quickly to dismiss rumours that a rumour was about to be circulated relating to something that someone heard about something or other. "The suggestion that somebody said something about something that someone said but later denied is completely untrue as far as we know," said a spokesman. Cabinet ministers are said to be furious about an off the record briefing about who was briefing journalists about a previous briefing which turned out to be either true or false, doesn't matter. Meanwhile the BBC has confirmed as true rumours that recent events at Westminster have given Nick Robinson a chronic and painful erection.

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Horror in Browntown

Reports are filtering out from Browntown of a horrifying mass-suicide. Browntown, the informal name for the Government of the United Kingdom, is named after the co-founder of the New Labour cult, Gordon Brown. Followers of Brown, known as Ministers, are reportedly committing suicide as part of a bizarre ritual known as "reshuffling". Details of the ritual are sketchy, but it is believed that Brown intends to cast some of his followers out of the cult, and to elevate preferred acolytes, in an attempt to propitiate their god, Gallup-Mori. Some Ministers who are to be cast out into the wilderness (the "back of the benches", in cult lore) have chosen self-immolation instead, with one case reported of seppuku, or disemboweling oneself on one's own second home.

Browntown began as a benign experiment in social democracy but conditions have recently deteriorated. Ministers have complained of intrusive media attention, an atmosphere of paranoia, and an unusual number of accountancy errors. Brown's behaviour has become increasingly erratic, and some cult supporters are praying for delivery by a mythical "postman".

Blair Babes turn on Brown


Bullingdon Clubbers