Wednesday, 28 February 2007

Martin Amis: the Horrorism of dentistry

The novelist Martin Amis has coined a new term for the dread and fear of the dentist's dark workings: Horrorism. In a moving, and sometimes unsettling essay, published in this week's Observer, he describes the pain and terror of his own experiences in the dentist's chair. "Of course there is a terror of going to the dentist, just as there is anxiety and then terror when you hear the first howl of the wolves in the Siberian wastes. The "horror" is reserved for when the wolves are upon you, the death-drill of the dentist, the squirt of blood, and the pat-pat-pat of fang-shrapnel. It is always horrible." Martin Amis' teeth are 12 years old.

Chicken sexer shocked at cruel deception of recruitment agent

A man who says he was duped into taking a post as a chicken sexer has hit out at the recruitment agency which got him the job. Nineteen year old Ronnie Wu says he was not told what the job involved. “When I saw the advertisement I rang up straight away,” Wu said yesterday. “I really thought it sounded glamorous and, you know, erotic or something, but it’s not at all what I thought it would be. I was under the impression that I would be meeting sexy girls and everything. I’m very disappointed.” Wu, who confirmed that he hasn't got a girlfriend at the moment, added: “I’m going to sue them for every penny they’ve got.”

Tuesday, 27 February 2007

Emmerdale plane crash: Jews “had prior warning”

More than a dozen Jewish farm workers stayed at home as a plane crashed into the sleepy Yorkshire village of Emmerdale in 1993, according to a new film released today. The 70 minute film, 'Emmerdale – the Israeli Connection', alleges that the workers had been tipped off by Israel's intelligence agency Mossad, and did not appear for work on the day of the horrific crash in which many villagers were killed or injured. One contributor to the programme says: “Is it any coincidence that some individuals made millions selling shares in kosher lamb that very day?” Meanwhile an Israeli government spokesman has dismissed the film’s claim that Israel's then prime minister Yitzhak Rabin cancelled a night out at the Woolpack only days before the attack.

Monday, 26 February 2007

Vicar kidnappings continue as parents vie for best schools

It emerged last night that two more vicars have been kidnapped by desperate parents hoping to find places in popular local schools. The latest kidnappings took place in London’s trendy Notting Hill and bring the number of kidnappings in the last month to nine. The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams, issued a statement this morning condemning the kidnappings: “The Church of England utterly condemns these criminal acts. Our schools are increasingly popular, but the best way to secure a place for your child is to stuff your principles, go to church every Sunday and help out with the summer fete, just like that nice Mr Cameron.”

Sunday, 25 February 2007

Meacher to upload self on to YouTube

Michael Meacher is to boost his faltering campaign for the leadership of the Labour Party by uploading himself on to YouTube. The move is designed to demonstrate that he is in touch with the modern world and that he can appeal to younger voters whilst seeing off sneerers who say that he is a hopeless old self-deluded duffer. Once the upload is complete, Meacher will be accessed only via the popular file sharing site. A spokesman for Meacher said that his remaining useless, empty husk will be donated to medical science, if they want it.

Friday, 23 February 2007

Heather Mills: new leg claims dismissed

Claims by Heather Mills, the estranged wife of Beatle Sir Paul McCartney, that she is having a brand new leg grown on the back of a laboratory mouse have been rubbished by boffins. Scientists at the University of Massachusetts, who have grown a human ear on the back of a mouse, say that any similar project to grow a replacement for the leg Mills lost in 1993 would be doomed to failure. Dr. Charles Vacanti created the ear by planting a biodegradable, synthetic frame on the mouse and adding human cells, but he doubts the leg story is true. "A human leg would be simply too big for a two ounce mouse to carry," he says. A spokesperson for Mills says the former model is standing by the story, and plans to show off the new leg when she takes part in the US version of Strictly Come Dancing.

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

Hitchens, Chomsky to star in revamped Celebrity Wrestling

In a surprise move ITV is reviving high-profile flop Celebrity Wrestling in an attempt to revitalise viewing figures. The show was dropped from primetime schedules in 2005 after poor ratings, but ITV bosses are hoping that the new-look show, in which figures from the political world will train and fight each other, will attract the public's interest this time around. The first episode, which is expected to feature a team comprising anti war figures Noam Chomsky, Harold Pinter and George Galloway taking on the writers David Aaronovitch, Nick Cohen and Christopher Hitchens, will be broadcast on Saturday 24th February.

Gordon Brown in U-turn on own Teeth

Gordon Brown is reported to be considering drastic measures to counter the apparent popularity of David Cameron, who in a recent Guardian/ICM poll leads Brown by 13 points when voters were asked who they would vote for in a general election. Brown is said by friends to have decided to replace all his teeth with wind turbines in an audacious bid to outflank Cameron on green issues. "Let's be honest, Gordon's smile is a bit off-putting at the best of times," said a source close to the Brown camp. "This way, when he smiles, he'll be powering a Scottish crofting village, or a council estate in Croydon. What can that turbine on Cameron's roof do? Whisk a zabaglione?"

Cameron wants a Bullingdon Club in every borough

Community leaders have given a cautious welcome to David Cameron's proposal for a Bullingdon Club to be set up in every deprived borough. As an Oxford undergraduate in the 1980s Cameron was a member of the club, notorious for its boisterous dinners and whose members wear tailcoats costing over £1,000, and the Conservative leader believes that creating new clubs, in areas like Peckham and Streatham, might help solve the current gun crime epidemic. "We are seeing a break up in society precisely because too many young men lack direction and guidance. When I was a young man I found that being a member of Bullingdon helped me make new friends and keep on the straight and narrow. The worst we ever did was trash a few Michelin starred restaurants after a glass or two of champagne, but we never got involved in guns. Except when we went hunting."

Tuesday, 20 February 2007

9/11: Conspiracy Behind the Conspiracy

A shocking new report reveals that the 9/11 cover-up is deeper and more profound that even the most hardened conspiracy theorists have realised. Not only were Al Qaida not responsible for the attack on the Twin Towers, NO ONE was. The report, entitled "9/11: The Conspiracy Behind the Conspiracy", makes the startling claim that there was no attack on the World Trade Centre and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001. Instead, the US Government used highly secret technology to project a giant holographic image of the destruction supposedly caused by aeroplanes crashing into the buildings. Smoke machines and loudspeakers, carefully hidden in manhole covers throughout Manhattan, completed the breathtakingly convincing display. "If you dispute that the World Trade Centre is in fact still there, you are probably in on it yourself," said the author of the report, Jason Zwengerle. David Shayler, the ex-MI5 spy who claims that the Twin Towers were hit by cruise missiles disguised as aeroplanes, is believed to be furious.

Monday, 19 February 2007

Hewitt under fire over "bionic eye" overspend

The Conservative party has criticised the government over the higher than promised cost of bionic eye technology unveiled this week. The Argus II system, which uses a spectacle-mounted camera to feed visual information to electrodes in the eye was developed partly by Professor Guy D'Aug of Kings College Hospital, but has cost several times the original budget. Tory health spokesman, Andrew Lansley, last night called for an inquiry into the spiralling cost of the project. "The public have a right to know whether spending in the NHS can be kept under control. Some years ago we were told that a whole man could be re-built for six million dollars - just another of this government's broken promises."

Friday, 16 February 2007

Lunatic elected President of Turkmenistan

A handsomely coiffured lunatic was sworn in as president of Turkmenistan yesterday after winning 89% of last Sunday's popular vote. The new president, Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, used to be the personal dentist of the previous dictator, Saparmurat Niyazov, who died last December. Mr Niyazov, who styled himself Turkmenbashi, or Father of the Turkmen, had previously been considered the most deranged and authoritarian national leader on the planet, known for renaming the month of January after himself and April after his mother, closing all hospitals outside the capital and banning gold teeth and lip-synching.
Reaction to the new president was mixed in the main square in Ashgabat, the country's capital. "I worship the new president as a god!" said one old man who declined to give his name. "We could all just die of happiness, and probably will!" said another.
A common concern was expressed by a passing taxi driver: "We are a dirt poor predominantly Muslim socialist dictatorship with the world's fifth largest reserves of natural gas. How long can it be before Chavez, Ahmedinejad and that London mayor come sniffing around?"
"And don't get me started on Bush," he added.

Thursday, 15 February 2007

Childbirth pain "a myth" says prospective father

A Leeds man claimed on Monday that childbirth is "not all that painful." Jacob Murphy, 37, was responding to his four-month pregnant girlfriend's worries. Fiona Sullivan, 36, had been leafing through a copy of "What to Expect when you're Expecting" when she expressed her concerns. "I don't mean to be funny," he told her, "but they do give you lots of drugs." Leeds General Hospital would confirm today only that a 37 year old man was in a critical condition.

Galloway calls for Saddam return

Respect MP George Galloway has made a dramatic call for the late Saddam Hussein to be returned to power in Iraq, claiming that the only way to restore order to the country is to reinstate the dead former dictator. Mr Galloway, who may be further investigated for accepting money from Saddam to pay for his political campaigning, said: "The man was a colossal leader and I believe it is only right that the imperialist forces immediately withdraw and allow him to once again unite the Iraqi people." Saddam Hussein was executed in December last year having been found guilty of crimes against humanity.

London prepares - but couple's decision still some way off

Londoners are today no closer to knowing where a recently married couple is going to settle. Areas in north and south London are hoping to attract the pair, but Philip Reeves, a writer from Hornsey, and Marion Simpson, an architect from Camberwell, are yet to finalise their plans. Each has said in public that they would be happy to live in either location, but a close friend of Clarke says Reeves should be wary. "She wants a quick decision on this, but he has to realise that if they end up north of the river she'll make him pay for the rest of his life, and in ways he can't begin to imagine." Meanwhile Reeves is thought to favour the commission of a feasibility study followed by a period of consultation, a process which may not produce a final report for several months, if not years.

Bird flu virus could mutate in unexpected ways

New warnings have been given about the danger to humans posed by bird flu. The H5N1 virus has so far killed 166 people worldwide, but this figure could rise dramatically if the virus "mutates" say experts. "It could mutate into a big slime that eats everything in its way and kills everyone it touches," said Freddie Walker, a nine year old schoolboy from Tottenham. His friend, Ben Kelly, 10, had another theory. "I reckon it will mutate into a giant leopard which would rip off everyone's heads, and you couldn't even shoot it because it would be so strong, that would be wicked," he said. Last night Dr Jonathan van Tam of the Health Protection Agency, admitted that there was still considerable uncertainty among the scientific community as to how the virus will develop.

Monday, 12 February 2007

Conservative central office shut down by drug police

The Conservative Party Central London office was shut down today by police investigating allegations that the premises were being used as a crack house. A Metropolitan Police spokesman confirmed that an address in Victoria had been made the subject of a Closure Order under Section 2 of the Anti Social Behaviour Act 2003, which enables police and local authorities to close down premises connected to Class A drug use. The news came as a further blow to leader David Cameron who has refused to comment on reports that he smokes up to three rocks of crack a day.

McLaren shooting: fans not responsible

The Football Association today moved quickly to quash suggestions that yesterday's non-fatal shooting of England football manager Steve McLaren was an attempted assassination carried out by a disgruntled fan. The shooting came just days after England's latest poor result, the 1-0 defeat against Spain at Old Trafford, but an FA spokesman denied any link. "It is complete nonsense to say that any of our loyal England fans was responsible for this incident." Commenting on the two shotgun wounds sustained by McLaren, who left hospital this morning, he added: "This was just one of those training ground arguments, and a player got wound up. It's been dealt with internally and everyone's friends again. It was handbags stuff really."

Friday, 9 February 2007

Miliband in Brown "twat" gaffe

David Miliband was today forced into an embarrassing climbdown after describing Gordon Brown as a "twat" on last night's Question Time. The Secretary of State for Environment, an arch-Blairite tipped as a future Labour leader, said: "If Gordon becomes Prime Minister I guarantee that in six months time people will be saying 'Fuck me, even that little prick Tony Blair was better than this dour twat. Why the hell is this tit our prime Minister?' " Asked by David Dimbleby to explain his remarks, he said: "Whoever's in – people always have a whack at you, that's the joy of politics." A spokesman for Miliband said today: "David was pointing out the fickle nature of political life, so piss off."

The Dark Side of Oz

Disappointment as co-worker not as zany as claimed

A local government housing officer has hit out at a colleague who has turned out to be deeply dull despite claims to the contrary. Alex Ingram, 26, who recently started working for Camden council, complained: "When I started the job a few months ago I was introduced to this guy in the office. Virtually the first thing he said to me was, 'Don't mind me, I've got a really crazy sense of humour,' and so I was looking forward to seeing some of his zany antics. Turns out he's really, really, irritating, and tells incredibly unfunny jokes. Everyone seems to hate him actually. It's been a bit of a let-down." A spokesman for Camden council said last night: "We cannot comment on individual internal matters."

Wednesday, 7 February 2007

Angry parents blame government for inadequate warnings

The government was criticised last night for giving insufficient warnings about the consequences of pregnancy. One London father expressed astonishment at the huge volume of excrement produced by his infant son. The 38 year old from Hackney, who cannot be named for legal reasons, said: "I am absolutely disgusted. The child does nothing but shit and puke all day, and Tony Blair expects us to clean up the mess. I want to know why we were not told about this. I voted Labour in 1997, but not again. I'm switching to David Cameron." Minister for Children, Beverley Hughes MP, said this morning that the Labour government had increased provision of baby turd information by 200 per cent in the last five years.

Tuesday, 6 February 2007

Left wingers spend long time brooding

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This eBook was produced by David Widger [] See reference to the previous producers above.
Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we usually do not keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
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domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project"). Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this eBook under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark.
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