Friday, 27 February 2009

BBC wins impossible sentence competition

Tiger attacks trigger expert plea

Master parsers commented: "huh?"

Monday, 23 February 2009

Police warn of impending 'Summer of George'

The UK risks a wave of layabouts indulging in petty grievances against imagined slights, in what police warn could become a "Summer of George". Given free rein by post-employment severance packages, stocky, slow-witted men are likely to end up with too much time on their hands, taking mid-morning naps and growing moustaches. Other themes vying to be the leitmotif of the summer include rage, despair and excitable police officials taking up headline space.

Friday, 20 February 2009

Monday, 16 February 2009

David Bowie tribute band criticises revival tours

"I'm obsessively opposed to nostalgia," declares pastiche band guitarist Bernard Butler.

Full story here, pop pickers.

George Washington - A Presidents' Day Tribute

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Refugees flock to Guardian's Liberty Central

Thousands of persecuted contributors to the Guardian's Comment Is Free have set up a make-shift refugee camp outside the newspaper's offices in north London. Sheltering in tents and impromptu wooden structures at the camp known as 'Liberty Central,' the refugees are seeking out a mysterious prophet known to some as Po' Rterhe Nry and to others as He' Nrypo Rter. Refugees relate how they have heard people speak of this semi-mythical figure in illegal coffee shops of Hampstead and the underground drinking houses of Islington. "I have brought my family here from far, far away," says one refugee, pointing, "From beyond Muswell Hill. We have been forced to flee our homes because of serious concerns over data protection," he says in hushed tones. "Where else can we go?" Another adds: "The corrupt totalitarian apparatchik control freaks of nu-Labour forced us here. This is worse than the old East Germany. I heard they are collecting our DNA so they can clone us and line their own pockets with the profits." Later in the day a rumour sweeps the camp that the prophet Po' Rterhe Nry is to appear and release them from their oppressors in just a few days. But then an awful realisation takes hold. As one refugee puts it: "Smith's bootboys will never let him speak. Never in a million years."

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Triffids expected week on Tuesday - Blears to blame says Monbiot

Top boffins are warning that a comet which blasts out poisonous gases is heading towards Earth. Comet Lulin, which glows an eerie green colour is expected to shower meteorites on earth, leaving all those who witness it blind, and infecting the planet with venomous triffids. Environmental campaigner George Monbiot said this morning that cabinet minister Hazel Blears is directly to blame for the problem. "Her record clearly shows she has never once voted against man-eating killer plants. In fact she is STRONGLY IN FAVOUR OF THEM," he shouted. "If I had my way she would be IN PRISON," he added. "THEY WOULD ALL BE IN PRISON."

Thursday, 5 February 2009

BBC: Complaints pour in

The BBC Chairman was last night locked in crisis talks with the Director-General after thousands of viewers jammed the corporation's switchboard complaining about all sorts of stuff. Commentators say the huge backlash against the BBC's handling of one thing or another must now call into question the future of the licence fee itself. "The BBC is under an obligation to act impartially, but they are clearly completely biased either in favour or against whatever it is we are talking about," says one viewer. "Filth," he adds, sadly. "Absolute filth."

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

David Cameron speech strikes fear into flinty heart of Simon Heffer

'I understate my case to say that it is one of the most shallow speeches by a supposedly serious politician that I have ever read. It should also terrify anyone who might feel he or she should vote Conservative at the next election...'

Monday, 2 February 2009

Fury as snow brings Daily Mail journalists to a standstill

There was a growing sense of outrage tonight as heavy snowfall left Daily Mail journalists struggling to fill columns with manufactured outrage and semi-coherent patriotic gibberish. Forecasters say that the worst journalism for nearly twenty years will continue for the rest of the week and beyond.

Tories unveil new frontbench team

Da da, da da, da-da-da-da BOOM.

Londoners struggle into work as snow hits capital


Sunday, 1 February 2009

New evidence in lunar "hoax" conspiracy

Internet chat boards have been buzzing for weeks with the emergence of new evidence that the moon landings were an elaborate hoax. Excited conspiracy theorists say that analysis of the television programme Lunar Jim, which chronicles the moon life of astronaut Jim and his team – Robot Dog Rover, Ripple, Eco, and T.E.D. the Technical Equipment Device - shows that the images apparently being beamed back to earth are staged, probably in the Nevada desert. Bill Kaysing, for many years a leading hoax theorist, says that Lunar Jim is yet more NASA funded propaganda. "If you look carefully you can see that Jim's flag flutters in a breeze - yet there is no air on the moon at all! Plus you couldn't have that cow and that chicken just walking around on the moon like that." A tight lipped CBeebies spokesman would confirm only that Lunar Jim is intended as "a children's cartoon."

Bullingdon Clubbers