Thursday, 22 January 2009

Obama conspiracy theorist suffers fatal erection

Conspiracy theorist Ted Byrd died yesterday moments after watching Chief Justice John Roberts and "President" Barack Obama stumble through the oath of office during the inauguration in Washington. Byrd, who has lately claimed that Obama is ineligible for office, suffered a massive and fatal erection whilst watching the ceremony on Fox News.
Friends of Byrd say he died a happy man. "He pointed at the television and said 'He's not technically President,' and then he keeled over," said pal Jim Lawrence today. "His last words were 'That awkward syntactic muddle had all the hallmarks of the Illuminati,' and then he was gone. It's the way he would have wanted it," he added.
The White House today would only confirm that the new President is a puppet of the military-industrial complex hellbent on profitable endless war and suppression of the peoples of the world.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Monday, 19 January 2009

Canine world sent into disarray as Osborne broadcasts ultrasonic response to Ken Clarke appointment

Dog owners across the country reported bizarre behaviour in their pets this morning as George Osborne took to the Today studio to say how pleased he was about the return of Kenneth Clarke to the Tory front bench. Mr Guy D'Aug, 56, described how his labradoodles reacted to the broadcast. "They both went absolutely crazy, running around the garden and spinning in circles before trying to eat the radio." Thousands of other dog lovers rang the BBC to complain about the broadcast. Boffins say the unusual response is because Osborne speaks at ultrasonic frequencies detected only by dogs. Despite recent voice-coaching lessons designed to help the shadow chancellor speak at frequencies detectable by humans, it is thought that the news of Clarke's appointment sent Osborne back to his old ultrasonic ways. George Osborne is pre-pubescent.

Thursday, 15 January 2009

A third runway? Surely you're not serious

I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

Monday, 12 January 2009

UK showbusiness shut down in awards shame

Gordon Brown has placed the entire British film industry under house arrest after Kate Winslet's poorly acted, embarrassing and self-important acceptance speech at Sunday's Golden Globe awards. Winslet and her fellow over-emoters are also to be banned from talking about their feelings or referring to their work as "remarkable" or "extraordinary".

Explaining his actions, Gordon Brown said this evening "This embarrassing behaviour must stop. I'll let them out when they realise all they do is dress up and read out other people's words whilst pouting".

Israel's bitterest foe yet

Israel faces a new front against a foe potentially more dangerous than Hamas, Hezbollah or Iran. A fierce battle for territory is being fought over the Best UK Blog section of the 2008 Weblog Awards, the winners of which traditionally go on not to win an Academy Award next month.

Neil Clark, last year's winner of the Weblog Awards in the thankfully discontinued Most Unspeakable Twat category, and an extremely well-respected blogger, anti-imperialist and champion of oppressed Muslims everywhere (except quislings and Bosnians), has waged a one-man rearguard action against Israel. Clark, 7, has been a lone voice of principle in a blogosphere too ready to condemn Hamas' modest, home-made rocket fire into Israeli cities and too quick to offer thoughtful commentary on an intractable conflict. Too often critics of Israel have been reluctant to demonise Israel and Zionists, and Clark rightly notes that it is only recently that protesters have felt able to compare Israel to the Nazis.

Israel has responded to Clark with disproportionate force by calling in overnight votes from the US in favour of Melanie Phillips, which is unfair, wrong and Zionist.

Sunday, 11 January 2009

Alan Duncan under fire for latest project

Pint sized shadow business minister Alan Duncan's stay in the Celebrity Big Brother house has left Tory chiefs red-faced. The tiny minister, best known as shadow foreign secretary William Hague's 'Mini Me', performed a version of the classic song Endless Outside Interests on the show, prompting some in the party to speculate on his future on the Tory front bench. Alan Duncan is a non-executive director of almost everything.

Pietersen: Flintoff begged me not to quit

Full story.

Saturday, 10 January 2009

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Impending Robot Takeover, Part 1: Jellyfish

Beautiful, or terrifying?


Career women are ugly bitches

By Random Misogyny Generator

New research made up exclusively for the Daily Misogyny reveals that if all you bitches stayed at home doing the cooking and all that as God and nature intended you would look like Sophia Loren, and we'd all be a lot fucking happier. Bitches.
Here is a picture of Sophia Loren.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Malcolm Gladwell took 10,000 hours to get his hair like that

The best way to get your hair to stick up in an appealing big curly sort of way is to spend 10,000 hours honing your skills, says a new book by Malcolm Gladwell. Since he was five years old the sociologist has been teasing his hair for seven hours a day, winning his first international prize for huge clever scientisty hair at the age of 15.

Bullingdon Clubbers