Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Democrats use unprecedented totalitarian tactics to pass healthcare

The passage of healthcare reform in the US was achieved by unprecedented totalitarian tactics, leading Republicans claim. By following US rules that govern how legislation is written by an elected Congress, Democrats have sidestepped more accepted totalitarian methods of repression, diktat and violence, Republicans say.

"They used their filibuster-proof, 60-vote majority to pass it in the Senate. They used their majority control of the House to pass it there. This was all accomplished by a Democratic President who won the election with the most votes in history after making healthcare reform a daily commitment on the campaign trail," House minority leader John Boehner said. "No totalitarian regime in history would have ever contemplated doing it this way. Shame on them."

"It's Armageddon!" Republican Party chairman Michael Steele said. "Aaaaaggghhh!!!" he added.

Brown reviews options

Following further revelations about prominent Labour politicians peddling themselves for cash, Gordon Brown is thought to be weighing up the next steps for his Government. One option under consideration is to put in a formal request for a military coup. A mass visit to Dignitas has also not been ruled out. The Prime Minister's spokesman, commenting on the latest sleeze allegations, said "Oh fuck it. What's the point?"

Prime Minister moves against cash-for-influence MPs

Monday, 22 March 2010

Byers: I am NOT a corrupt influence peddler! I am a liar!

Stephen Byers today furiously condemned those who questioned his dishonesty, following tonight's Channel 4 Dispatches documentary. Byers, who was recorded claiming to have successfully influenced legislation for National Express and Tesco, today stated that nothing he said could be believed by anyone. "My pants are on fire," he explained, "and I will say anything for cash. Everything I say is a lie."

"Or is it?" he added.

Monday, 15 March 2010

London Man not giving up on Kate Winslet

A Londoner spoke tonight about how he still has hopes of meeting and marrying film star Kate Winslet. David Burns says that although he is older now than when his obsession began over ten years ago, he feels he is still in with a chance with the newly separated star. He is encouraged by recent developments, he says. "Since my own divorce I've been writing to Kate more often than before," says the lawyer from his home in Camden. "By chance I discovered that her agent's office is near mine so I can pop round there most lunch times to leave presents for Kate. Little things, really. Things I've made," he says. Burns, 41, has vowed never to give up on his dream. "When she finally sees the many, many photographs I've sent her I'm certain she'll give me a call," he adds.

Sunday, 14 March 2010

New Tory policy: Free Smythson handbag for every voter

Handbags! SamCam! A discreet tattoo! Sir Trevor! Broken Britain! Handbags! Burke's Peerage! Lovely!

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Oscars Assault Drama

Charlize Theron is grabbed from behind by George from Rainbow.

Friday, 5 March 2010

Mugabe distances self from 'sleazy' Lord Ashcroft

Zimbabwe president withdraws support for 'shambolic' Cameron and the 'sleaze from Belize'.

Thursday, 4 March 2010

RIP Desk: Michael Foot


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