Onions for England

Uncapped Durham bowler Graham Onions has been named in the England cricket squad for this summer's internationals. Headline writers are thought to be delighted by the selection. The Onions family wishes him success.

Numerologists more evil than previously thought

Numerologists, satanists, the Illuminati, and those who have April as their favourite month are closer than ever to establishing a New World Order according to a report. Meanwhile members of the public have been warned not to approach anyone expressing an interest in multiples of the number eleven.

Harry delight at Iraq decision - Picture

Prince Harry was today pictured expressing his delight at military chiefs' decision to send him to Iraq with his regiment, the Blues and Royals.

Campaign to save weekly rubbish collection stepped up

Refuse collectors across the country today appealed for support to help save the Daily Mail which has been publishing rubbish every week for over a hundred years. Oswald Mosley was last night unavailable for comment.

Tributes pour in for Boris Yeltsin

Vodka distilleries lined up yesterday to pay tribute to former Russian President Boris Yeltsin who has died aged 76. Dovgan Kubanskaya, a spokesman for Stolichnaya vodka which sells $2 billion a year worldwide, said Yeltsin would be sorely missed by the industry. "Boris Yeltsin was a wonderful man and led the Russian people by example by drinking himself to death. Na zdorovje!"

High turnout for battle Royal

The first round of the 2007 presidential election in France has resulted in an unprecedentedly high turnout of the same headline in newspapers throughout the English speaking world. Philippe Duret, Le Monde's correspondent for cliche and ennui, said, "I am frankly disgusted and bored with the lack of imagination shown by these sub-editors. It's battle Royal this, battle Royal that, battle Royal, battle Royal, battle Royal, battle bloody Royal. It is undignified. I hope 'Le Pen-dulum Swings' to another pun very soon. So."

Millions duped by "fixed" competition

There was anger this morning as a BBC investigation revealed that the contest for the Labour Party leadership has been fixed. Former cabinet ministers have spent hundreds of pounds in phone calls to David Miliband in an attempt to persuade him to enter the competition but the BBC probe shows that the winner was picked in advance. Caller Charles Clarke says he is appalled by the revelations. "I have been calling David every morning for weeks - seems I was wasting my money."

All Four Types of Music - Part One

Speedy response to Virginia Tech shooting praised

There was praise today for the quick response of conspiracy theorists to the Virginia Tech shootings. An unnamed student who witnessed the shooting this afternoon expressed gratitude for the swift intervention. "I just thank god that there are people out there who can get to the point so quickly," he said. "If only we had more guns on campus this tragedy wouldn't have happened," he added.

Bryan Ferry admiration for Nazis provokes outrage

The National Socialist Party today said it was disgusted at comments attributed to Bryan Ferry in which he praised Nazi art and architecture. A spokesman for the party, speaking from Argentina where he has been in hiding for sixty years, said: "We are calling on Bryan Ferry to apologise for these remarks. The Nazi party is appalled at being linked in this way to Roxy Music, dreadful little art school ponces."

The Beatles: Glass Onion

Miliband regrets chancing his arm after brutal response by Brown

After yesterday's events it is believed that David Miliband is having second thoughts about running for the Labour leadership.

Madonna to adopt Brixton

Madonna today announced plans to adopt Brixton. At a secret hearing last week the 48 year old pop star was granted an interim custody order of the London suburb. Under the order Brixton will live with the singer and her husband at their home in Pimrose Hill for up to eighteen months after which full adoption can take place. Some charities have criticised the adoption but a spokesman for Madonna said this afternoon that she is delighted with the news. "This is a great opportunity for Brixton and great news for the whole of south London."

New TV embarrassment for armed forces

Army chiefs are bracing themselves for a new row about their readiness to accommodate today's insatiable popular culture. Following hard on the heels of the widely-condemned decision to allow the sailors recently captured by Iran to sell their stories to the media, the Ministry of Defence has withdrawn all military cooperation with the forthcoming TV series Strictly Come Minesweeping.

Des Browne, the Defence Secretary, apparently fears that allowing servicemen and women to conduct synchronised minesweeping operations with celebrities such as Danielle Lloyd or Tony from Hollyoaks may offend against the dignity of the armed forces, as well as exposing ill-trained celebrities to the risk of horrific injury.

A great man dies

So it goes.
Kurt Vonnegut, (1922 -2007)

Former US envoy critical of own moustache

John Bolton, former US ambassador to the United Nations, today criticised his own moustache over the Iran hostages crisis. The moustache's weakness in standing up to Iran in the stand-off handed a propaganda victory to Tehran, he said yesterday. "I was gravely disappointed that my facial hair decided to resolve this through diplomatic pussyfooting instead of bombing the hell out of Iran as I suggested," he said.

Graphologists left baffled by Brown handwriting

Leading handwriting experts surprised the Daily Mail today by claiming that they are unable to say if a note handwritten by Chancellor Gordon Brown shows whether he is unreliable, evasive or has poor judgment. Mr Brown, pictured putting the final touches to a speech delivered at Mansion House last month, was tonight unavailable for comment.

Friends fear no end in sight to insufferable literary chat

Friends of 'novelist' Leonard Oswald are fearful that evenings out will continue to be ruined by his dreary book talk. "We can't go five minutes without him launching into his monologue on The Great American Novel and why British writers are so useless. I must have heard it a hundred times. It's Philip Roth this, John Updike that," says pal Stu Jackson. "If he's not going on about The Great Gatsby it's Moby Dick or something." Another friend was equally scornful. "A few years ago the bloke wrote a book which was never published," says drinking partner Rory Browne, "And ever since he's been going to parties telling girls he's a novelist just to try to get off with them. It's pathetic." But shop manager Oswald, who is single, has hit back. "I wrote a novel didn't I?" he says, "So it's not like I'm actually lying. And anyway, my book was much better than that rubbish Ian McEwan comes out with," he added.

Brown attacked over increased longevity

Gordon Brown has come under fire for presiding over an unprecedented increase in life expectancy and the row has raised fresh questions about how the Chancellor would run the Government if he becomes Prime Minister. Furious pensioner Harry Gillman slammed Brown over the news. "I'm 65 now. Thanks to that Brown I've got another sixteen years to go. If I had known I would have got myself a private pension," he complained. "My wife is particularly upset because she expected me to be dead by now," he added.

New fears over identity theft scam

Police yesterday launched an inquiry into how thieves were able to steal thousands of policies from the Labour Party.
As the extraordinary scale of the biggest ever policy heist unravelled, security experts urged all political parties to tighten up their security systems to protect their members. The Home Office today warned the public to be on the lookout for a highly dangerous and organised group of criminals.

Onions Latest

A cook who knows his onions.


Picture - Cézanne Still Life with Onions