Hundreds of Britons on waiting list for Swiss suicide clinic

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No-good punk falls for Puerto Rican lady

Republican representative and leading member of teenage gang 'the Jets' Tom Tancredo has unexpectedly fallen in love with President Obama's nominee for the US supreme court, Puerto Rican-American judge Sonia Sotomayor. Tancredo, until now a strident critic of illegal immigration and who once compared Miami with the third world, risks alienating other members of his gang, who have been reluctantly ceding control of the west side of Congress to the rival Democratic 'Sharks' gang since 2006. "Sonia. I just met a girl called Sonia," he says. "And suddenly that name will never be the same to me."

Tancredo's Republican Senate colleague Mick Huckabee, who plans to challenge Democrats to a rumble at the congressional dance later tonight, is gonna bust his head when he hears about Tancredo's fixation on Sotomayor, who he mistakenly called Maria. "When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way," says Huckabee. "From your first cigarette to your last dying day."

Republican Representatives are joining in the debate by approaching Democratic counterparts while crouching and snapping their fingers.

Boo-fucking-hoo Desk

Tory MP Nadine Dorries, pictured, says the Daily Telegraph's investigation into MPs' expenses amounts to a form of torture.

Dead Ducks must face re-selection

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'Anti-Sleaze' party to contest next election

A party led by Neil and Christine Hamilton is to field candidates at the next general election on an anti-sleaze platform in protest at the scandal over MPs' expenses. Neil Hamilton, flanked by David Mellor and Jonathan Aitken as he launched the campaign, spoke to reporters today. "We need to clean up Parliament and return it to the good old days of cash bribes in brown paper bags," he said. "That Esther Rantzen is a bloody crook too," he added.

Netanyahu triumphs in international baritone contest

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MPs: More second home 'flipping' expected

"Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences: you will go to prison for five years."

Awkward Family Photo Desk

Much more here. Via.

MP issues statement

I'm absolutely outraged that I used my second home allowance to buy a 40 ft yacht. I was astonished to find myself claiming for ball girls and cocktails which are absolutely necessary to allow me to function as an MP in my far flung constituency in the heart of London and back down in Westminster but which are also symptomatic of a failure of all of us, of Parliament, and a failure of the system. I'm disgusted to find that I claimed £100,000 in mortgage interest payments on the second home of my polo ponies, although to be fair everyone was at it and anyway do you have any idea how much I would be earning in the City, well, would have been earning if I could have got a job which I couldn't and anyway there are none left. It is utterly unacceptable that this rotten SYSTEM allowed me to flip my houses so fast and so profitably that frankly I've been munching on big golden Quarter Pounders for the last few years. We have to change THE SYSTEM root and branch for the sake of the people of Britain, who are hurting, sitting in their one houses, with their no jobs. And to draw attention to my family wealth is neither here nor there, I mean, do you have any idea how much it costs to dredge a moat? It's not good enough and I'm as appalled as you are at my ooh, look, a squirrel!

MPs' expenses: David Cameron 'appalled' at ostentatious display of extravagant living

APPALLED, I say.

David Willetts in light bulb shocker

More on 'Two Claims'.

Music Desk: While My Ukulele Gently Weeps

New housing arrangements for MPs unveiled

MPs will no longer be able to claim any allowances for the homes they live in while attending to Parliamentary duties at Westminster, it was revealed today. Under the new regulations, they will be provided with a big tent on Parliament Square and each of the 646 members will be issued with a sleeping bag and a camp bed. Although space will be tight, it is thought that matters will be eased somewhat by the absence of the Prime Minister who will be busy at Downing Street, unblocking the kitchen sink and putting a load in the washing machine.

Hazel Blears under fire over second home expenses

More pixie news.

Alan Johnson quiff tipped to take over as Labour leader

The quiff of Health Secretary Alan Johnson has been
installed as favourite to become the next leader of the Labour Party. James Purnell's sideburns are third favourite, whilst David Miliband's barely detectable bumfluff has slipped to fourth.

That's absolutely, totally brilliant, Derek

Now fuck off.

Foghorn Leghorn opposes judicial nominee

Cartoon chicken Foghorn Leghorn is leading strong opposition among Republican legislators against President Barack Obama's nomination to replace retiring Supreme Court justice David Souter. Leghorn, a failed nominee for a position as a federal judge, represents Republican senators that are up in arms and flightless wings against whomever Obama appoints to the nation's highest court. Although no one has yet been nominated, Republicans fear it might be a woman or a black or something. "I say, I say, I say, boy!" Leghorn says. "Put that gavel down, now. Y'all are not fit to wear that there gown, y'hear?" The Senate judicial committee's leading Republican, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, was unavailable for comment, as he has been taunting a dog that will run at him until its leash jerks it back, making it yelp.

UK 'least wanted' list published

Prime Minister, First Lord of the Treasury and Minister for the Civil Service
Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP
Chancellor of the Exchequer
Rt Hon Alistair Darling MP
Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs
Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State for Justice and Lord Chancellor
Rt Hon Jack Straw MP
Secretary of State for the Home Department
Rt Hon Jacqui Smith MP
Secretary of State for Health
Rt Hon Alan Johnson MP
Secretary of State for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform
Rt Hon Lord Mandelson
Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs
Rt Hon Hilary Benn MP
Secretary of State for International Development
Rt Hon Douglas Alexander MP
Leader of the House of Commons and Lord Privy Seal
Rt Hon Harriet Harman QC MP
Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government
Rt Hon Hazel Blears MP
Secretary of State for Transport
Rt Hon Geoff Hoon MP
Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families
Rt Hon Ed Balls MP
Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change
Rt Hon Edward Miliband MP
Secretary of State for Work and Pensions
Rt Hon James Purnell MP
Secretary of State for Northern Ireland
Rt Hon Shaun Woodward MP
Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport
Rt Hon Andy Burnham MP
Chief Secretary to the Treasury
Rt Hon Yvette Cooper MP

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