Novelist's attempt to secure place amongst the greats falters

Is Ronan Bennett the new Dickens?

No.

Is Ronan Bennett a dick?

Yes.

Celebrity couple push forward the boundaries of thought

Following news that Jordan's latest novel, Crystal, is outselling the entire Man Booker prize shortlist, celebrity husband Peter Andre has announced that he is close to developing a complete theory of prime numbers which will shed new light on the mathematical structure of the universe and could lead to the development of proofs for hotly disputed mathematical controversies such as the Riemann Hypothesis and the Strong Goldbach Conjecture.

Meanwhile Ian McEwan, Britain's leading poorly-selling novelist, was last night reported to be considering changing his name to Chardonnay.

A great man dies

So it goes.
Kurt Vonnegut, (1922 -2007)

Friends fear no end in sight to insufferable literary chat

Friends of 'novelist' Leonard Oswald are fearful that evenings out will continue to be ruined by his dreary book talk. "We can't go five minutes without him launching into his monologue on The Great American Novel and why British writers are so useless. I must have heard it a hundred times. It's Philip Roth this, John Updike that," says pal Stu Jackson. "If he's not going on about The Great Gatsby it's Moby Dick or something." Another friend was equally scornful. "A few years ago the bloke wrote a book which was never published," says drinking partner Rory Browne, "And ever since he's been going to parties telling girls he's a novelist just to try to get off with them. It's pathetic." But shop manager Oswald, who is single, has hit back. "I wrote a novel didn't I?" he says, "So it's not like I'm actually lying. And anyway, my book was much better than that rubbish Ian McEwan comes out with," he added.