Music Desk - French music not at all bad shock: Serge Gainsbourg
Carla Bruni resolves to try harder or shut up.
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- Blairite bastards should stop this factionalism, say Brownites
- Heavy betting reported on timing of Pakistan match fixing denial.
- "We're all in this together". Now applies to hotel beds.
- Coulson: I know what you're all saying about me, you bastards
- Cabinet abandons plans to hold next Cabinet meeting at G.A.Y.
- Libdems and Conservatives surprisingly agree to govern 'against the national interest.'
- Clegg and Cameron to adopt Malawian baby
- Clegg: First thing Monday I'm going to, er, oh, what was that thing?
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- Bloody Sunday: Bono apologises for U2
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- Vuvuzelas: Three more arrests
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- Queen invites Esther Rantzen to form new administration
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- Voters of Poplar show considerable indefatigability
- Cameron to Clegg - My final offer is this: nothing.
- Joanne Cash wins overall best flounce
- Lord Ashcroft demands refund
- Tory front bench to take gap year
- David Cameron harder than Chuck Norris
- Embarrassment as snooker player accidentally wins frame
- Election: Guardian endorses smug moral high ground
- Gillian Duffy front door becomes key marginal
- Brown battles to turn off bigot spigot
- Angry bigots abandon Brown
- Nick Clegg: I won't work with Peppa Pig
- Clegg: I'm ever so excited
- Angry nutters abandon Clegg
- Clegg in foreign incest dungeon shock - Daily Mail
- Misguided grammarians predict hanged parliament
- Lord Mandelson unmasked as Hephaestus, god of the volcano
- Sunday Times nearly as popular as Der Sturmer
- Plane spotters face redundancy as crisis continues
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- Is Obama America's Clegg? Special report
- Nick Clegg to spend the next week training in altitude tent
- Police chiefs demand panic button to be installed on Chris Grayling's forehead
- Continent cut off, nips out for sneaky fag
- Pope eyes up legal aid after Dawkins arrest threat
- Labour unveil Five-Year Plan
- Heavy drinking wife beaters welcome Tory marriage tax break proposals
- Messi to assume Papacy
- Confusion as spoofers accidentally spoof spoof poster
- Tiger Woods' cock admits taking performance enhancing drugs
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- Pope Benedict: Oh? That?
- Chancellor forecasts 75% increase in number of Wurzels clips on TV
- Joe Biden: 'Yes! Kiss my arse!'
- David Cameron disappointed at leak of pictures of Samantha looking quite fit
- Republicans' angry-o-meter goes to 11
- Cameron squeezes one out in time for election
- Brown told today is a good day to bury those who plotted against you
- BA deny hiring replacement Charlie Whelans
- Sam Mendes to Kate Winslet: "Gather" your stuff and get out
- Jack Straw announces plans to abolish MumsNet
- Dangerous dogs to be chipped, deep-fried
- BBC to increase news about BBC by 50%
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- Shares in donkey jackets fall
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- Blair: Oh fuck it
- Gus O'Donnell: I - ow! - never spoke to - you're HURTING me - the Prime Minist - oooww - about bullying. There. Happy now? Sob.
- Gordon brown: Anyone who says I am a bully will get a thump
- Winter Olympics: Team GB take bronze in Massive Snowball Fight and Pile On event
- Tiger Woods to make televised appeal for more chicks
- Olympic chiefs confident of snow for London 2012
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- England captain John Terry too busy having it off to consider resignation
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- John Terry stripped of Dad of the Year gong; title awarded to runner-up Tiger Woods
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- Lord Goldsmith: War was illegal right up to the moment it was legal
- George Monbiot more of a dick than previously thought
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- Brangelina split: Couple to get joint custody of Asia
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- Tiger Woods' cock to confess all on Oprah
- Guardian admits wanting to shag Damon Albarn
- More anger expected next week
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- Poor children just need lots and lots of cuddles says multi-millionaire David Cameron
- Cricket: Onions brings tears of joy to headline writers
- BBC admits U2 are shit
- Oliver Stone is "scapegoat" for Alexander
- Fury as George Galloway deported back to UK
- Big freeze: Fears grow for ex-cabinet ministers
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- Celebrity fails to get into late night punch-up
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- Mark Lester: Do you remember me? I was in Oliver! O-L-I-V-E-R-!
- Cricket: Relief as England turn out to be shit after all
- Nick Clegg: Do you want to see my cock?
- Newly freed Ronnie Biggs "just looking" at train schedules
- Swine flu website crashes after 9 million hits an hour from journalists
- Swine flu: Pregnant women advised to avoid Andy Burnham
- Swine flu: Enjoy your last moments says government advisor
- Baron Cohen already planning next umlaut
- Cameron apologises to gays, straights
- Wimbledon: Scottish bloke through, name escapes me
- Wimbledon: Henmania reaches fever pitch
- Griffin: Stop being racist against fascists
- Most of Michael Jackson dead - Reports
- Boost for ink industry as MPs' expenses published
- MPs go redact themselves
- Polly Toynbee appointed to Iran's Guardian Council
- Caroline Flint: Gordon Brown questioned my loyalty, the fucking bastard
- Boost for egg trade as BNP takes seats in Euro election
- Davina McCall appointed housing czar
- Turns out Gordon Brown had Presbyterian upbringing
- Jacqui Smith quits to spend more time with family's porn collection
- Queen 'totally fucked off' with Britain's Got Talent result
- Cameron calls for radical redistribution of platitudes
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- MP calls on Speaker Martin to resign for allowing him to claim for non-existent mortgage
- Man Utd on the brink of being even more annoying
- Cameron orders review of second swimming pool allowance
- Tory pledge: only MPs who already have a second home welcome on the front bench
- Blears: You pay capital gains tax if you want to
- Illuminati admit fixing Chelsea-Barcelona tie
- Journalists horrified at expense claims
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- Congress agrees to extend Obama's first 100 days by four weeks
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- Cheney's had enough of this shit
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- Tory smears: Dale, Fawkes sporting proud erections
- Steven Gerrard's acquittal adjourned to July
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- Jade to be given state funeral
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- Irish not planning to go overboard for St Patrick's Day
- James Corden: three more arrests
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- Not enough being written about Julie Myerson and her stupid fucking book - Report
- Retro IRA claims responsibility for Northern Ireland murders
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- Lib Dems still plugging away, bless 'em
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- Nation shocked as disqualified University Challenge winners allowed to keep generous pensions
- Demands for 'Fred The Shred' to give up pension, knighthood, nickname
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- James Purnell: Gurning is the best route out of poverty
- Coldplay sued for plagiarism, being twats
- Bank of England inaugurates new Lack-of-Interest Rate
- Sunderland in urgent talks with Roy Keane's beard
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- Shadow cabinet will be made to wear high-visibility vests from next week
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- Lansley: Recession would be good for country, Tories
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- Fury as wintry weather hits UK
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- David Cameron: Cheap soundbites are for life, not just for Christmas
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- Left prepares response to Obama failures
- SNP: No we can't
- Nader demands a recount
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- Obama victory: Republicans to initiate impeachment proceedings first thing Monday
- Democrats stock up on champagne, cyanide pills
- US Election: Thomas E. Dewey confident of victory
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- Terry Wogan sacked by BBC after lewd driving gloves prank
- Confusion as M&S shopper sent to Switzerland to die
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- Ross and Brand sacked for being utterly tiresome
- Economists upgrade investment ratings on animal skins, flint axes, fire
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- Austria shocked to learn that Jörg Haider was secret fascist
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- Peter Mandelson: 'This is more like it'
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- PM orders troops into Hamleys
- Brown's threat to freeze assets leaves Iceland unmoved
- Economy: Mattress sales go through roof
- Spectators gather as Björk's assets are frozen
- Economy "fucked", says Le Bon
- Robert Peston to inject £50 billion into economy
- Robert Peston tipped as next Doctor Who
- Lloyds TSB to take over Iceland
- Mandelson "grateful" for opportunity to resign from cabinet a third time
- Cameron: Poor children must learn to spell hereditary privilege correctly
- Palin considers dropping McCain as running mate
- Tories to scrap all sorts of things, details to follow
- Workers to take control of means of production 9am Monday
- Financial crisis hits political podium manufacturing industry
- Palin: 'I been just about all over Alaska'
- Money to run out tomorrow
- Democrats are sexist say Misogyny Party
- Universe to continue in new dimension
- Sexy Librarian Association angered by Sarah Palin comparison
- Man-made black hole to swallow Gordon Brown
- Sarah Palin dismisses moose-burger rumours
- Man City to bid for Bill Gates as new steward
- GOP worried about Hurricane Gustav, election
- Chris Hoy's thighs to open London 2012
- Mandelson returns to solve mortgage crisis
- F.A. delighted with seamless transition to Capello regime
- Putin refuses to add "Simon Says" to troop withdrawal order
- President resigns due to violation of constitution claims, US surprised
- Rest of UK wants devolution for Edinburgh Festival
- Fury as conditions in Basra continue to improve
- East, west Ossetians feeling left out
- A-levels: Record number of newspaper pictures of attractive female students
- John Edwards: 'It's ok, she only had a bit of cancer at the time'
- Ronaldo pledges loyalty to Man Utd's money
- Guardian admits wanting to shag Damon Albarn
- US Global War on Chauffeurs claims first victim
- Official figures confirm Martin Bashir is an arsehole
- Brown will either go or stay within weeks, agree political commentators
- Police carry out controlled explosion on Nick Robinson
- Tom Watson resigns from Government, demands Brown exit
- Giles Coren: 'Ich bin ein Berliner'
- Karadzic's beard released without charge
- Heath Ledger great now dead
- Sales of Joker merchandise great now Heath Ledger dead
- First New Yorker cover not going so well for Danish cartoonist
- Knife thugs will be forced to meet Jacqui Smith
- David Cameron: 'Give me one good reason why you can't just move to Notting Hill, you fat bastards'
- Nazis angrily deny Mosley claims
- Bob Geldof's tailor detained for 42 days
- Colombian rebels tricked into adopting amusing name
- Go West hanged 1,000 times in tragic Mugabe statement mix-up
- Nelson Mandela: 'I wish Annie Lennox wasn't playing, she's shit'
- Shami Chakrabarti demands Wimbledon wild card
- Steve Rider's hair signs new contract with ITV
- Brown: 42 is a number I have pulled out of my arse
- Quantum mechanics: three more arrests
- British voters 'in the bath', will ring Brown straight back
- Mars probe finds Brown not popular there either
- George Monbiot attempts citizen's arrest on John Bolton's moustache
- Brown faces leadership challenge over Eurovision fiasco
- Police carry out controlled explosion on John Humphreys
- Diana Inquest: We agree with verdict say relieved Illuminati
- Hillary to run against Gordon Brown; also considering trying out for Mayor of London and Britain's Got Talent.
- Mugabe lagging well behind in Zimbabwe poll
- Mugabe concedes after poll humiliation
- All football managers named Phil to be designated 'Big" from today
- £120,000 a week could ease the pain admits tearful John Terry
- Half of UK school test results still below average; Brown must take blame, say Tories
- Cherie Booth: That Tony Blair can kiss my arse, too
- Ant and Dec criticised for misleading public about their height
- Outrage as website reveals some Italians pay tax
- Memoirs: Lord Levy to invoice Blair
- Hull evacuated after John Prescott reveals battle with bulimia
- Mosley demands strict punishment from Formula One bosses
- Heston's gun surprisingly easy to pry from cold, dead fingers
- Nick Clegg: Do you want to see my cock?
- Olympic Torch to claim political asylum
- British Union of Formula One considers name change
- Irish PM Aherne: I've enough money now, so I'll be off
- Embarrassment for Ed Balls as his bulging eyes finally pop out of their sockets during Paxman interview
- Brown orders inquiry into absence of any fuck-ups in last 5 minutes
- Mugabe delays announcement of his victory
- Konnie Huq in Tibet peace talks
- Mugabe delays result of Diana inquest
- Apprentice boys' team leader "fired" after they lose controversial Terminal 5 task
- Foul stench descends on Downing Street
- Treasury to set up body to supervise FSA
- Diana verdict: Gross waste of time and money
- Global warming fears ease as Thom Yorke steps in
- David Cameron apologises for own existence
- Daily Express apologises for own existence
- Ashley Cole apologises for own existence
- Also Sprach Zarathustra shoots up charts
- New governor of New York admits sleeping with everybody
- Darling: Heavy drinkers got us into this mess in the first place
- Prostitute apologises to family over association with NY governor Eliot Spitzer
- Budget: Planned 2p rise in duty on improbably dark eyebrows postponed until October
- FA Cup to be renamed Autoglass Trophy
- Eric Hall resigns from Obama campaign after "monster, monster" gaffe
- Tories propose duty hike on alcopops; no news on Bollinger '61
- Gary Gygax fails final saving throw
- Lee Jasper resigns after leaked email exposes poor grasp of grammar
- Autoerotic Asphyxiation Society announce "different kind of" plastic bag crackdown
- Millions unhurt in earthquake
- Castro retirement speech enters third day
- Blonde woman not murdered by psychopath
- Mitty set to testify at Diana inquest
- Georgian tycoon death: anti-moustache activists questioned
- Tie-dye t-shirt industry faces global slump after Camden fire
- Heather Mills to sue remaining leg
- Tory party to hand itself in at local police station
- Neo-cons to blame for everything - report
- Mitt Romney withdraws 'for the sake of the wallet I love'
- Survey: Jack Straw really bugs a lot of people
- Robbie Williams to be crushed and used for road surfacing in China
- I love Liverpool says Ringo speaking from his Surrey mansion
- Keegan looking forward to emotional resignation
- Bill Clinton to Obama: "Your mama”
- BA pilot critical of new third runway at Heathrow
- Peter Hain takes up simple sword of truth and trusty shield of British fair play
- Bobby Fischer: it's the Jews wot done 'im in
- Tories: Our secret donations are less illegal than Labour's
- Societe Generale trader was funding Hain's deputy leadership campaign
- Iowa backs Huckabee after threats from Chuck Norris
- Rott Mimney, or whatever, wins US election
- Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
- Giuliani: Did I mention 9/11?
- Romney: Nine wives for every voter
- CBeebies abandons plans to screen Trainspotting
- Ferguson gives Man Utd players day off from orgy training
- God: I will not be voting Lib Dem at next election
- Pop group to release record not sung in exaggerated regional accent
- Tommy Sheridan swears on oath that he is not now nor has he ever been charged with perjury
- Legendary pioneer of wife beating Ike Turner dies at 76
- Elderly to be given more choice on when and where they are murdered in their own beds
- UK's super-rich: Would they like a hand with anything?
- Sudan accuses Turner Prize committee of "taking the piss"
- Iranian intelligence: US stopped having credible military deterrent in 2003
- Tommy Sheridan: I am working class and I have a cute two year old. How could you accuse me?
- Gillian Gibbons wins Turner Prize
- Cheney doctors shocked by heart discovery
- David Cameron comes out against rape, no decision yet on murder
- Emergency meeting of Cobra to discuss No.10 sandwich order
- Lib Dems publish timetable for removal of next leader
- Loss of benefit data including children's names & addresses - Father Christmas denies involvement
- Sarkozy renames brioche "freedom buns"
- McCartney-ex Heather demands William Blake retract 'Dark Satanic Mills' allegation
- Simply Red pencil in money-spinning reunion tour for 2015
- Lady Macca: My leg was abducted too
- Sharp fall in Tory party membership applications by one-legged Lithuanian lesbians
- Dumbledore is new frontrunner in Lib Dem leadership contest
- Television programme "not completely made up"
- Shadow Chancellor to change name again, this time to Garth
- Nick Robinson diagnosed with Foot and Mouth, to be culled tomorrow
- New calls for global boycott of John Pilger
- Saudis to increase production of beard dye to 11m barrels a day
- Postal workers accused of 'British practices' at Bilbao sorting office
- Cheese-lover Lewis Hamilton to move to Switzerland
- Nickname of next Lib Dem leader to be decided by One Member One Vote
- David Cameron to recite Pi to 1000 decimal places
- A-levels: Record number of newspaper pictures of attractive female students
- Strong winds forecast for Marcel Marceau funeral
- Next Bin Laden video to include director's commentary and alternate ending
- Control orders to be imposed on all school caretakers
- Jack Straw makes citizens arrest on four more cabinet members
- Michael Fish: "But the dog ate my homework"
- Mourinho "to appear to followers on the third day"
- Socks the Blue Peter cat hires top QC
- Cuddle Cat hires top QC
- Outrage and disbelief as police accuse middle class couple
- Faithful gather as Christ's face appears on Ming Campbell's scalp
- Foot and Mouth lab leak: Police suspect evil scientist bent on world domination
- Brown's first 100 days: Famine expected next Thursday
- Rest of UK wants devolution for Edinburgh Festival
- New Robin Williams movie: three more arrests
- Stocks rise in opera themed puns
- Actor "too funny" to be paedo
- May: Fat bottomed girls ate my thesis
- Ryanair to fly to Richistan from Luton
- Bowser enters Big Brother house
- Brown: five bowls of salty porridge a day for every child
- Charles Kennedy to apply for astronaut training
- Bowsers to compete in Crufts '08
- Tour de France riders "more loaded than cabinet"
- Home Office to re-classify cannabis once it has finished blazing a fat blunt
- Ming Campbell wants Bowser to be Lib Dem candidate for London Mayor
- Campbell diary: fists flew the day I ordered myself to resign
- Planet "fucked" says Le Bon
- Bin Laden's deputy receives honorary MBE; goes mental
- Health institute NICE rejects provision of heavenly virgins on NHS
- Gordon Brown to grant independence to Ed Balls
- Terror alert downgraded from "Critical" to "Run, run for your lives"
- House prices to increase exponentially says mathematician hired by Daily Express
- Huge manhunt as BBC's Alan Johnston on the loose again
- Al Qaeda condemns standards in science teaching
- Duty free flaming sambucas banned at all Scottish airports
- West End traffic wardens: we will not let terrorists destroy our way of life
- Olympic Torch to claim political asylum
- Karadzic's beard released without charge
- Fury as conditions in Basra continue to improve
- Mandelson returne to solve mortgage crisis
- UK sold to private equity firm
- Lord Ashcroft demands refund
Contributors
Politics Desk
- Police State Britain: Dissidents rounded up, will face firing squad
- David Cameron tells shadow cabinet to give up second jobs
- George Osborne: Unanswered questions remain
- Brown to unveil new, populist Cabinet
- Peter Mandelson's moustache makes shock return to cabinet
- David Cameron: Palindromes can solve this economic crisis
- Tory Conference: Cameron and Osborne put on their serious face
- Labour MPs rally round PM
- David Cameron: Working classes need a Nudge
- Prime Minister sends David Miliband on well earned fishing trip
- Friends of Jack Straw in a bad mood, not speaking to anyone
- James Purnell's sideburns tipped for top job
- Crackpot to stand in by-election
- Shami Chakrabarti: Publicity is a fundamental human right
- Cameron, Osborne: We are ready to move into Downing Street
- Man advertises for pals
- No.10 blames 'poisonous' briefings as woes mount up
- I see a role for Mandelson says Brown
- Cameron: Prime Minister is 'strange man'
- New row over deportation of foreign nationals
News Desk
- Teenager attempts to become youngest round-the-world yachtsman
- Liz Hurley wears dress
- Oddly shaped vegetables need not be discarded - EU
- Henry Porter Convention will highlight important issues
- Brangelina twins: First pictures
- Lap dancing - not exploitation but accountancy
- Polish workers leaving in droves - report
- Global financial meltdown update
- Prison watchdogs, Tartarus residents object to Titan jails
- Black hole to swallow Earth
- Sunderland puts in offer for Notting Hill
- Mosley celebrates libel win
- Pig wears wellies
- Banks stave off credit crunch
- Hannah Montana photos provoke outrage
- High spirits blamed for Princes' latest night out
- Diana inquest verdict: murdered by Prince Philip*
- Hybrid creatures round on Catholic Church
- Heather: Paul has favourable press
- Pupils should swear oath of allegiance - report
Middle East Desk
- Western imperialism blamed for new outrage
- Saudi court transcripts leaked
- Amnesty International shocked by latest human rights atrocity in Iran
- Teddy bear row - startling developments
- Cheney says Iran on his side of the car
- Exclusive interview with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- Queen in shock Rushdie beheading
- Surge strategy is working - General
- Galloway: my Saddam shame
- Iran hostages: parading continues
- Former US envoy critical of own moustache
Science Desk
- Black hole to swallow Earth
- David Cameron: Fuck science
- Scientists issue timely warning
- Lifestyle journalist more knowledgeable than scientists
- Ethical storm as scientist becomes first man to clone own moustache
- Food: the silent killer
- Physicist's daughter not comforted by Schrödinger's cat paradox
- Could alien life exist in the form of DNA-shaped dust?
- Bird flu virus could mutate in unexpected ways
- Mix-up puts Blumenthal on the menu
- Majority think 'carbon footprint' must be cut
- List of superfoods expands to include pork pies
- Scientists discover new use for Nanotechnology
US Politics Desk
- USA to McCain: we're not your fucking "friends", okay?
- Republicans put faith in "John Frum" McCain
- Bill Clinton campaigns hard for Obama
- Republicans urge drilling for snake oil
- Dick Cheney steps into Georgia conflict
- Obama critical of insufficiently biased press
- US founding fathers now spinning at over 200 rpm
- Clinton campaign says wait until November
- McCain impulsively threatens critics over 'hothead' accusations
- Ghoulish Clinton wins big in Transylvania
- Hillary goes on attack with 3am phone call ad.
- US PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: SPECIAL REPORT
- Clintons replace campaign manager after image change backfires
- Senator McCain 'not a Manchurian Candidate'
- US voters nervous about Giuliani confidence
- 0.1pc of US revels in democratic exercise
- Madman releases video threat to US
- Magna Carta to replace US Constitution
- White House latest victim of subprime crisis
- Swift Boat Veterans attack Hillary’s Vietnam record
- Republican candidates vow to deport themselves
- CIA exhausts medieval torture budget
- Is the nation ready for a President in a dress?
- Bush to cancel 2008 election - Sources
- Republicans: We're so not gay
- Peace prize awarded jointly to Al Gore and beard
Religious Affairs Desk
- Pope Benedict delivers seasonal message
- Does a bear, when shitting in the woods, realise how ridiculous it sounds?
- Church split over beards
- Anti-Scientology protestor arrested
- Brothers Grimm consult lawyers over slur
- Hybrid creatures round on Catholic Church
- Mother Teresa letters: This whole God thing really is a load of old bollocks
- God hits back in Sharia law row
- Answer found to age old theological puzzle
- Vatican: strong evidence for evolution
- Museum settles dinosaur dispute
- God still pondering response in Hitchens debate
Conspiracy Desk
- Diana inquest verdict: murdered by Prince Philip*
- Hoax, or hostile act by the masonic overlords that seek to rule every aspect of our existence?
- Diana: Inquest jury to be shown unseen film
- 9/11: The Conspiracy Behind the Conspiracy
- Emmerdale plane crash: Jews “had prior warning”
- New evidence in lunar "hoax" conspiracy
- Bush to cancel 2008 election - Sources
- Zionist Olympic plot revealed
- 9/11 Truth Campaigner: Collapse was a controlled demolition
- Poll boost for 7/7 Truth Campaign
- New evidence reveals truth about John Lennon murder
Arts Desk
- Paul: I gave John all his best ideas
- Britain falls for Mme Sarkozy's charm, breasts
- Heather: Paul has favourable press
- Celebrity couple push forward the boundaries of thought
- Led Zeppelin reunite - exclusive bootleg footage
- English National Ballet unveil latest production
- Arnie to solve Hollywood writer strike
- Blur play one off gig
- 'Merda' hoax divides art world
- Martin Amis: the Horrorism of dentistry
- Celebration of Sgt. Pepper anniversary set to continue
- Bryan Ferry admiration for Nazis provokes outrage
Sports Desk
- Suspicions grow along with Team GB's medal haul
- Spitz record under threat as Phelps fingers upper lip
- Olympics - Special Report
- Pietersen quits England captaincy over quota row
- Odds lengthen on Fischer-Spassky rematch
- Italian flies in to save English football
- Silver lining as England crash out
- Tour de France doping shock
- Flintoff axed after "lapse in judgement"
- Manchester City man 'may not be fit and proper'
- Mourinho cries foul after Champions League defeat
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