David Cameron distances himself from 'maverick' Tory party

Conservative leader David Cameron has moved swiftly to put distance between himself and the Tory party, which he described today as having 'some quite eccentric views.' This week Mr Cameron rebuked MEP Dan Hannan over his criticism of the NHS. Yesterday Mr Cameron moved to squash plans put forward by a Tory council to subsidise the fees of children attending private schools if their parents lose their jobs. Meanwhile former cabinet minister Norman Tebbit has been critical of Mr Cameron for driving away the party’s traditional voters. Mr Cameron has also reprimanded shadow cabinet member Alan Duncan as well as backbenchers Douglas Hogg and Sir Patrick Cormack over MPs' pay. A spokesman confirmed today that Mr Cameron had disowned the Tory party altogether. "These are the views of a maverick party, not of David Cameron," he said.

Wrestling Midgets Desk: Alan Duncan speaks

“Basically, it's being nationalised, you have to live on rations and are treated like s**t"

Horror in Browntown

Reports are filtering out from Browntown of a horrifying mass-suicide. Browntown, the informal name for the Government of the United Kingdom, is named after the co-founder of the New Labour cult, Gordon Brown. Followers of Brown, known as Ministers, are reportedly committing suicide as part of a bizarre ritual known as "reshuffling". Details of the ritual are sketchy, but it is believed that Brown intends to cast some of his followers out of the cult, and to elevate preferred acolytes, in an attempt to propitiate their god, Gallup-Mori. Some Ministers who are to be cast out into the wilderness (the "back of the benches", in cult lore) have chosen self-immolation instead, with one case reported of seppuku, or disemboweling oneself on one's own second home.

Browntown began as a benign experiment in social democracy but conditions have recently deteriorated. Ministers have complained of intrusive media attention, an atmosphere of paranoia, and an unusual number of accountancy errors. Brown's behaviour has become increasingly erratic, and some cult supporters are praying for delivery by a mythical "postman".

Boo-fucking-hoo Desk

Tory MP Nadine Dorries, pictured, says the Daily Telegraph's investigation into MPs' expenses amounts to a form of torture.

Dead Ducks must face re-selection

More.

'Anti-Sleaze' party to contest next election

A party led by Neil and Christine Hamilton is to field candidates at the next general election on an anti-sleaze platform in protest at the scandal over MPs' expenses. Neil Hamilton, flanked by David Mellor and Jonathan Aitken as he launched the campaign, spoke to reporters today. "We need to clean up Parliament and return it to the good old days of cash bribes in brown paper bags," he said. "That Esther Rantzen is a bloody crook too," he added.

MPs: More second home 'flipping' expected

"Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences: you will go to prison for five years."

MP issues statement

I'm absolutely outraged that I used my second home allowance to buy a 40 ft yacht. I was astonished to find myself claiming for ball girls and cocktails which are absolutely necessary to allow me to function as an MP in my far flung constituency in the heart of London and back down in Westminster but which are also symptomatic of a failure of all of us, of Parliament, and a failure of the system. I'm disgusted to find that I claimed £100,000 in mortgage interest payments on the second home of my polo ponies, although to be fair everyone was at it and anyway do you have any idea how much I would be earning in the City, well, would have been earning if I could have got a job which I couldn't and anyway there are none left. It is utterly unacceptable that this rotten SYSTEM allowed me to flip my houses so fast and so profitably that frankly I've been munching on big golden Quarter Pounders for the last few years. We have to change THE SYSTEM root and branch for the sake of the people of Britain, who are hurting, sitting in their one houses, with their no jobs. And to draw attention to my family wealth is neither here nor there, I mean, do you have any idea how much it costs to dredge a moat? It's not good enough and I'm as appalled as you are at my ooh, look, a squirrel!

MPs' expenses: David Cameron 'appalled' at ostentatious display of extravagant living

APPALLED, I say.

David Willetts in light bulb shocker

More on 'Two Claims'.

New housing arrangements for MPs unveiled

MPs will no longer be able to claim any allowances for the homes they live in while attending to Parliamentary duties at Westminster, it was revealed today. Under the new regulations, they will be provided with a big tent on Parliament Square and each of the 646 members will be issued with a sleeping bag and a camp bed. Although space will be tight, it is thought that matters will be eased somewhat by the absence of the Prime Minister who will be busy at Downing Street, unblocking the kitchen sink and putting a load in the washing machine.

Hazel Blears under fire over second home expenses

More pixie news.

Jacqui Smith's husband apologises for the whole goatee/swept back hair thing

The shame.