US voters nervous about Giuliani confidence

Americans are hoarding tinned foods and bottled water, as Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani remains eerily confident that his flagging campaign can be turned around somehow. Former New York mayor Giuliani, whose campaign has focused heavily on terrorist threats to the US, appears unconcerned about gathering no delegates from the Iowa caucuses and the Wyoming convention, and trailing in the New Hampshire primary. "Something's not right. He's so blasé about finishing behind Ron Paul in Iowa," said terrorist expert Michael Scheuer. "He must know something's coming. Run! Run! Aieeeeee!" he added. Giuliani himself has largely refused to comment about his position in the polls. "It's a long primary season and we're running a national strategy," said Giuliani campaign co-chair Steve Forbes. "Almost anything could happen. Anything! Just when you least expect it!"

Madman releases video threat to US

Republican candidates vow to deport themselves

Republican presidential candidates have pledged to deport themselves in a bid to capture their party’s anti-immigration support. Speaking at the candidates’ debate in Florida yesterday, former New York mayor and Italian-American Rudy Giuliani said that there was “no place for this rising tide of southern Europeans in our land”, and promised to put himself on the first steamboat leaving Ellis Island should he be elected to the White House. Not wanting to be outdone, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, said that he would "throw himself back over the Rio Grande" as soon as he is made president. All of the candidates agreed that they would find and expel any remaining tired, poor and huddled masses, yearning to breathe free.

Swift Boat Veterans attack Hillary’s Vietnam record

US pressure group Swift Boat Veterans for Truth has criticised Senator Hillary Clinton for her lack of front-line combat duty in the Vietnam war. “Where was Hillary at Khe San? Where was Hillary at Da Nang?” said spokesman John O'Neill. Swift Boats was formed to fight Democratic candidate John Kerry’s military record during the 2004 presidential race, but was criticised for being a partisan lobby with ties to President Bush's re-election campaign. The group has yet to comment on the Vietnam war experiences of leading Republican candidates Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani.

USA special report: Is the nation ready for a President in a dress?

Voters across America are reconciling themselves to the possibility of electing a commander-in-chief who wears make-up and a dress. "On the plus side, we are talking about a candidate from New York," says Tennessee resident Jason Clayborne. "They've got Macy's and Bloomingdales, and all that fancy finery and whatnot. Least we won't get shown up at the heads-of-state summits." Hillary Clinton has vowed to remain in pantsuits for the rest of the campaign.