BBC wins impossible sentence competition

Tiger attacks trigger expert plea

Master parsers commented: "huh?"

BBC: Complaints pour in

The BBC Chairman was last night locked in crisis talks with the Director-General after thousands of viewers jammed the corporation's switchboard complaining about all sorts of stuff. Commentators say the huge backlash against the BBC's handling of one thing or another must now call into question the future of the licence fee itself. "The BBC is under an obligation to act impartially, but they are clearly completely biased either in favour or against whatever it is we are talking about," says one viewer. "Filth," he adds, sadly. "Absolute filth."

BBC may reconsider DEC decision after blonde one off of Starsky and Hutch steps in

Don't Give Up On Us, pleads Beeb.

Fears for Torin Douglas as stories about the BBC threaten to overwhelm

Despite announcing massive job cuts in its news service today, the BBC has revealed that it will be launching a new dedicated channel - devoted exclusively to rolling news about itself. The channel will provide a 24 hour, seven days a week platform for BBC journalists to discuss their terms and conditions and to bitch about their bosses. It will also provide a much needed outlet for gleefulness at the departure of disliked colleagues. It has not yet been revealed whether Richard Bacon will be among the 500 "journalists" to lose their jobs today.

BBC: We got it wrong

The BBC has launched a major investigation after the corporation was forced to admit yesterday that it had broadcast programmes presented by Eamonn Holmes, Richard Bacon, Natasha Kaplinsky, Rosie Millard and Donal McIntyre. Director-General Mark Thompson admitted that viewers had every right to be angry. "I am appalled at these serious lapses," he said. "These unspeakable, vacuous, bumptious people have cast a shadow over the integrity of the BBC. And don't get me started on that gurning twat from Ready Steady Cook."

Queen storms out

The Queen yesterday abdicated the throne, admitting the institution of the monarchy was as offensive as it was absurd.

In other news: Who honestly gives a toss?