Top boffins: Onions boffo

Leading scientists have revealed that onions can reduce some early signs of heart disease. “Onions are fab,” said head onion researcher Jeremy Behan. “I love onions, me.” The findings confirm the results of a raft of totally unscientific tests conducted by internet bloggers.

Sports desk - A nation mourns

Public sadness about millionaire Premiership footballers 'mugged' over charity donations will today be lifted by news that the minimum wage goes up this month by 17p an hour.

Pop Quiz

What is the connection between MC5, The KLF and a Bavarian secret society?



Who knew? As this commentator points out: "In no sense, Nonsense ????"

Psychic world shocked over rival claims

The psychic and clairvoyant community is in a state of shock after rival claims were made to the crown of Britain's top medium. In one corner Gordon Smith is hailed by the Daily Mail as "the UK's most accurate medium". In the other corner fellow psychic Stephen Holbrook is similarly described in publicity as "Britain's 'most accurate' medium". Professional clairvoyant Graham Booth claims he and his colleagues are reeling at news of the dispute. "We are very surprised at recent developments," he told reporters today.

Police probe London man

A London man is being questioned at the high security Paddington Green police station after an extraordinary outburst at work. A police spokesman confirmed that a 41 year old man, thought to be Camden lawyer David Burns, is being detained. "Officers were called to offices in Central London yesterday afternoon after the suspect was asked in a meeting what was on his mind. The suspect's answer to that question has now been running for more than fourteen hours and has led to several promising lines of enquiry."

Fire no longer walks with me

President of France Leland Palmer has today announced his divorce from his wife, Sarah. The couple issued a statement claiming that the split was amicable. Speculation had mounted in the French media in recent months after Mrs Palmer had been linked to an individual known only as Bob l'assessin.

(h/t Dave)

Fears for Torin Douglas as stories about the BBC threaten to overwhelm

Despite announcing massive job cuts in its news service today, the BBC has revealed that it will be launching a new dedicated channel - devoted exclusively to rolling news about itself. The channel will provide a 24 hour, seven days a week platform for BBC journalists to discuss their terms and conditions and to bitch about their bosses. It will also provide a much needed outlet for gleefulness at the departure of disliked colleagues. It has not yet been revealed whether Richard Bacon will be among the 500 "journalists" to lose their jobs today.

Breaking News: Crime Desk

Woman prosecuted for swearing at own toilet.

Onions Latest

A cook who knows his onions.


Picture - Cézanne Still Life with Onions