Alan Johnson quiff tipped to take over as Labour leader

The quiff of Health Secretary Alan Johnson has been
installed as favourite to become the next leader of the Labour Party. James Purnell's sideburns are third favourite, whilst David Miliband's barely detectable bumfluff has slipped to fourth.

James Purnell's sideburns tipped for top job

As nervous Labour MPs ponder how long Gordon Brown can stay in office, many in Westminster are tipping James Purnell's sideburns to take over as Prime Minister before the next election. If the Welfare Secretary's sideburns make it to Downing Street they would become the first facial hair to make it to the top job since Harold Macmillan's moustache and pipe's joint premiership.

Great extinction underway, say scientists

Between a quarter and a third of the world's annoying bastards will be made extinct at the next general election, according to data compiled by the Zoological Society of London. "You'd have to go back to the extinction of the dinosaurs in 1997 to see a decline as rapid as this," says Jonathan Loh, editor of the report.