From his leafy Hampstead home Sir David Hare berates Labour manifesto's lack of emphasis on equality

More.

Labour launches new slogan

Full story.

Tories attack Labour's 'Two Nations'

No, really!

Alan Johnson quiff tipped to take over as Labour leader

The quiff of Health Secretary Alan Johnson has been
installed as favourite to become the next leader of the Labour Party. James Purnell's sideburns are third favourite, whilst David Miliband's barely detectable bumfluff has slipped to fourth.

Brown and Harman to hold clear the air talks

Full story.

Gordon Brown relaunch: Britain responds

Story.

Brown and Harman to hold clear the air talks

Full story.

Tale of sad abandoned robot leaves Glasgow unmoved

Full sad story.

Reheat leftovers says Prime Minister

A government report has revealed that more than four million tonnes of goodwill has been wasted in the last year. Gordon Brown responded to the report by reheating Peter Mandelson and Alastair Campbell, stale leftovers from the Blairite era. "Bubble and Squeak, we call them," said a spokesman for the prime minister.

Great extinction underway, say scientists

Between a quarter and a third of the world's annoying bastards will be made extinct at the next general election, according to data compiled by the Zoological Society of London. "You'd have to go back to the extinction of the dinosaurs in 1997 to see a decline as rapid as this," says Jonathan Loh, editor of the report.

Brown relaunch gets mixed reaction

Story.

No.10 blames 'poisonous' briefings as woes mount up

Downing Street has moved swiftly to dismiss speculation about a possible leadership challenge, blaming the prime minister's current problems on vicious briefings emanating from embittered former chancellor Gordon Brown. Brown is said to nurse a grudge against himself after he failed to honour a deal made several years ago, the details of which are long-forgotten in the internecine feuding of New Labour. A defiant Gordon Brown yesterday insisted he would not hound himself out of Downing Street.

Farce as flame extinguished

There were farcical scenes today as the century old flame of working class representation was finally extinguished. Speaking to Labour leader Gordon Brown about the rise in income tax for five million low-paid workers, former leader Keir Hardie was quoted as saying: "Ah cannae be arsed wi' this, git oot o' ma face ya wee bawbag".

Hain: Can I borrow a tanner?

Work and Pensions Secretary Peter Hain has come under fire for failing to declare over £100,000 donated as part of his campaign to become Neath's "Mr All-Over Tan Of The Year" for the 17th consecutive year. Mr Hain came 5th.
"Bronzing Oil don't come cheap," he said in a prepared statement.
Laboratoire Garnier, makers of Ambre Solaire, are reported to have gone into receivership following the news of Mr Hain's difficulties.

Gordon Brown looking to improve opinion poll ratings in New Year

This might be his best bet.

Man missing for years to be quizzed by cops

A mystery man who disappeared without trace for ten years is to be interviewed by police. Gordon Brown, a 56-year-old father of two, went missing between 1997 and 2007 whenever waters got choppy and now claims to have no memory of what happened or where he was during the past decade. A family member, speaking to reporters today, said: "Gordon remembers nothing at all about that time. He particularly doesn't remember anything whatsoever about illegal donations of £650,000."

Brown and Harman to hold clear the air talks

Harman claims ignorance

Deputy leader of the Labour Party Harriet Harman knows nothing about anything.

Brown vows to be more inclusive

Prime Minister Gordon Brown, under fire for relying too heavily on 'Young Turks', has promised to widen his circle of advisers beyond his kitchen cabinet of Ed Balls, Ed Miliband and Douglas Alexander. Senior cabinet ministers have complained that Brown is holed up deep in the remote jungle of No.10 and is worshipped by natives and his own loyal men. An unnamed cabinet member outside the inner circle said, "To get to him we have to take a patrol boat many days up river to his compound. Even then he just whispers at us, over and over, 'The horror... the horror.' It's disconcerting."

New fears over identity theft scam

Police yesterday launched an inquiry into how thieves were able to steal thousands of policies from the Labour Party.
As the extraordinary scale of the biggest ever policy heist unravelled, security experts urged all political parties to tighten up their security systems to protect their members. The Home Office today warned the public to be on the lookout for a highly dangerous and organised group of criminals.