Olympics: Croatia unplaced in Mark Spitz look-alike event

Spitz record under threat as Phelps fingers upper lip

Mark Spitz's record haul of Olympic moustaches is under threat from American pool sensation Michael Phelps who is understood to be planning to unveil secret aerodynamic technology at the Beijing games this week. Spitz's moustache yesterday sent a good luck telegram to Phelps' upper lip in advance of the men's 200 metres freestyle and wax.

"Do you have any light reading?"

Several sharp-eyed investigators have uncovered a disturbing clue embedded in the new 2012 Olympics logo which suggests that the Jews are planning to open a new front in their ceaseless quest to take over the world: sports.

David Morris, part-time director of the previously defunct Sports Sub-Division of the Committee of the Elders of Zion, said, "Let's face it, we've been nowhere since the infiltration of Agent Spitz into the 1972 Olympics.

"I just don't know whether we've got the talent to pull it off," he added, "but with Agents Spielberg and Streisand on board, at least we'll put on one hell of an opening show."