Cameron demands keys to No.10, disappears in puff of logic

Tory leader David Cameron this morning called for Gordon Brown to step aside after the Labour party lost its commons majority. "The people have delivered a clear verdict on this failed administration. The Labour party has no mandate to govern and Gordon Brown cannot continue as Prime Minister. It is now time for the Conservative party to form a Government because we, er, we have a clear mandate, no hang on, we got more, wait, not quite half, but still lots, and we were first past the post, nearly, and anyway it's my turn. Oh shit," said Mr Cameron. "Shit, shit shit," he continued. "Bollocks," he added.

Fasten your seatbealts...a message from Tom Harris

Top man.

The Sun uncovers new photo of the young David Hussein Cameron

Olly's Onions says: In Jowls We Trust

In jowls we trust.

Shadow cabinet prepare for jolly important day

Shorter election endorsements of the press no.17

Economist: The Tories got the financial stimulus wrong and would have plunged the country into depression. Vote Conservative.

Gays attempt to cure Tories

Gay rights activists have been criticised for an outreach programme targeting Tory MPs. These gays believe that they can "cure" Tories by driving out their "demons" through the worship of icons.

The gays have established a temple in which young Conservatives are counselled. "Phil", the prospective Tory candidate for Sutton and Cheam, was sent to the gays by his local party, who are all flaming. "I was told they could stop me believing in a Big Society," he said. "They said they had something much bigger they wanted to show me."

The latest row comes not long after a leading homosexualist, Christophe Gayling, caused uproar when he told a meeting of gay B&B owners that they should have the right to turn away Tories in case they smashed up the joint while looking like idiots.

New development in prayer "cure" controversy

"Oh Lord, cure them of their Toryism."

Nimble Clegg evades Brown's feared bollock-grip

Chapeau: Danny T

David Cameron hoping to drop some of his stuff off at No.10 on Wednesday

Tory leader David Cameron is hoping to drop some of his stuff off at No.10 Downing Street on Wednesday it was announced today as the Tory Party dismissed claims that the Conservative leader was being presumptuous about his prospects of victory on Thursday. The announcement came as Mr.Cameron took a day away from the campaign trail to pack at his Notting Hill home. "There's always masses more to pack than you think," he told reporters this afternoon. "The attic was absolutely full of stuff and so was the cellar. I've filled about a dozen black plastic bags already with old T-shirts and stuff which I haven't worn for years, and I filled a whole box with Simply Red CDs. I've got some guys coming on Friday to move the sofas and all the big bits of furniture but I'm going to drop some boxes round to No.10 on Wednesday night so we've got something to wear and something to eat for breakfast."

Clegg vows to remember the names of everyone

During the final televised leaders' debate last night Nick Clegg pledged to remember the name of every voter in Britain. "Nadine?" he said, "do I have that right? Yes, Nadine, that's a good question, and it goes back to something I was saying to Gavin a few moments ago. You deserve an answer, as does Mohammed, Dennis, Joe - and Jo! - and the Shah family."

He went on: "Bill, Mrs Merriwether, the Barnetts, you don't want the same old answers from the same old parties, and nor do you, Chantelle, Vicky, and Justin, Soresh, Dianne, Joshua - it is Joshua, isn't it?"

"I want a Britain that's fairer, Sarah," he said, "I have a new plan, Stan, and I won't be coy, Roy, so get yourself free."

George Osborne settles down to watch leaders' debate

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