Brown and Harman to hold clear the air talks

Republican candidates vow to deport themselves

Republican presidential candidates have pledged to deport themselves in a bid to capture their party’s anti-immigration support. Speaking at the candidates’ debate in Florida yesterday, former New York mayor and Italian-American Rudy Giuliani said that there was “no place for this rising tide of southern Europeans in our land”, and promised to put himself on the first steamboat leaving Ellis Island should he be elected to the White House. Not wanting to be outdone, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, said that he would "throw himself back over the Rio Grande" as soon as he is made president. All of the candidates agreed that they would find and expel any remaining tired, poor and huddled masses, yearning to breathe free.

Vile bullying - free in this week's Heat!

The gaiety of the nation was greatly enhanced this week by Heat magazine's decision to ridicule a disabled 5 year old child. Readers were delighted by the free stickers given away with the latest edition which mocked Harvey Price, the severely disabled son of glamour model Jordan. The public was further entranced by editor Mark Frith's novel take on a heartfelt apology. "No offence was intended, but if any was caused we would like to apologise" chortled Frith who is thought to be a grown adult.

Harman claims ignorance

Deputy leader of the Labour Party Harriet Harman knows nothing about anything.

Creator of Paddington Bear goes into hiding

Michael Bond, creator of Paddington Bear, went into hiding yesterday after widespread threats from trainspotters. Bond, 81, has been accused of demeaning one of the holy sites of trainspotters, by naming his cartoon bear after Paddington Station.
Stan Grimshaw, a trainspotter from Acton, claimed to be speaking for a billion trainspotters worldwide. "I am deeply offended," he said. "This blasphemer should know that the name of this bear disrespects the great Station of Paddington. As penance, Bond will be tied to the tracks outside Didcot and lashed by the wheels of the 15:09 to Bristol Temple Meads."

Brown vows to be more inclusive

Prime Minister Gordon Brown, under fire for relying too heavily on 'Young Turks', has promised to widen his circle of advisers beyond his kitchen cabinet of Ed Balls, Ed Miliband and Douglas Alexander. Senior cabinet ministers have complained that Brown is holed up deep in the remote jungle of No.10 and is worshipped by natives and his own loyal men. An unnamed cabinet member outside the inner circle said, "To get to him we have to take a patrol boat many days up river to his compound. Even then he just whispers at us, over and over, 'The horror... the horror.' It's disconcerting."

Embarrassment at Oxford Union free speech debate

There was uproar tonight as BNP leader Nick Griffin and Holocaust denier David Irving apologised for attending an Oxford Union debate on free speech. "We are mortified," said Griffin. "We thought we were coming to a Combat 18 committee meeting. We had no idea we'd have to talk to a bunch of over-privileged nitwits who think they're future Tory cabinet ministers."
David Irving said, "We must starve them of the oxygen of publicity. Look at me. Heil Hitler."

Putin complains of foreign influences on election

Russian president Vladimir Putin says that upcoming national elections are in danger of being influenced by foreign political cultures, particularly those of the Ancient Greek city state of Athens and Rome during the Republican period. "We must not bow to such perfidious and alien concepts as 'term limits', 'popular elections' and 'voting'," Putin told reporters, while ceremoniously burning a toga and smashing a wine amphora belonging to leading opposition figure Boris Nemtsov. Since he was elected president in 1999 Putin has been accused of suppressing sections of the media critical of his administration, and of hampering the efforts of international monitors to oversee elections. Although dismissive of Athenian democracy, Putin has expressed interest in the fate of the Greek philosopher Socrates as a method of dealing with political opponents.

TV comedian mocks self-righteous left

TV funny man Chris Morris has satirised left wingers in an article for The Observer. The Brass Eye frontman, famous for conning gullible celebrities into commenting on subjects on which they know nothing, turns his sights on left wingers anxious to appease the reactionary religious right, brilliantly exposing their hilarious and self-righteous leaps to the defence of Islamists.
CORRECTION
Chris Morris has written an article about Martin Amis. Who is a RACIST.

Breaking news: Cornwall surprisingly close to the Antarctic

A generation of confused Britons was vindicated today as it emerged that the Falkland Islands are indeed off the coast of Cornwall, as many originally assumed. Long-standing suspicions about the Islands' exact whereabouts were confirmed today with news that the Falmouth Coastguard had helped to rescue 150 passengers from a stricken cruise liner in the Antarctic Ocean - 800 miles south of the Falkland Islands.
Befuddled Briton, 46 year old Sarah Reid described herself as relieved on hearing the news: "I've been confused since 1982 - this really puts my mind at rest".

Bush pardons Thanksgiving turkeys, expects return favour

In a traditional Thanksgiving ceremony at the White House this week, US president George Bush granted pardons for two turkeys, named May and Flower. In return, the president said he expects their full support in case any unspecified “legal difficulties”, as he put it, should arise after his term ends. “These two fine American birds embody fine American values,” Bush told reporters. “I hope they will understand the core American value of ‘I scratch your back, you scratch mine’.” The president added that he would be putting May and Flower forward as nominees to join the Supreme Court early next year.

Silver lining as England crash out

England's defeat to Croatia means fans will be spared the pain of a quarter final defeat on penalties at next year's European Championships. It had been widely anticipated that England would stutter through the group stages of the competition before coming up against the pre-tournament favourites in the quarter finals. England fan Brian Hill is happy with last night's result. "The team would have at last played to their potential, one of our players would have been unluckily sent off, the remaining players would have heroically almost snatched a winner at the end of extra time, before the game went to penalties and an inevitable exit for England. Everyone would have been saying we'd have won the whole competition if only we had got through that penalty shootout. Thank god we don't have to go through that routine again."

New identity fraud fears

It was revealed today that the identities of 11 English footballers have been lost due to poor organisation and incompetence. There are fears that their personal details may already have fallen into the hands of a bunch of overpaid prancing ninnies. England tonight lost to Croatia 25 million nil.

Bank crisis: Question chancellor still refuses to answer

Where is missing beard?

Van Morrison and The Band

Novelist's attempt to secure place amongst the greats falters

Is Ronan Bennett the new Dickens?

No.

Is Ronan Bennett a dick?

Yes.

Question mark over UK blog poll

Neil Clark, winner of an award for best UK blog, has dismissed suggestions that multiple voting by his supporters inflated his share of the poll. Clark, noted for his support for former Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic, says he won the poll fair and square. "The reason for my blog's popularity is very simple. The positions I espouse are in tune with the views of the majority of ordinary fascists."

Bleak future predicted for Guardian bloggers

Full story.

Swift Boat Veterans attack Hillary’s Vietnam record

US pressure group Swift Boat Veterans for Truth has criticised Senator Hillary Clinton for her lack of front-line combat duty in the Vietnam war. “Where was Hillary at Khe San? Where was Hillary at Da Nang?” said spokesman John O'Neill. Swift Boats was formed to fight Democratic candidate John Kerry’s military record during the 2004 presidential race, but was criticised for being a partisan lobby with ties to President Bush's re-election campaign. The group has yet to comment on the Vietnam war experiences of leading Republican candidates Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani.

Scientists make monkey cloning breakthrough

More.

Make "plans"

" Hat tip."

Meredith murder: New picture clue

Experts believe that pictures of murder suspect Amanda Knox reveal vital clues about the editor of the Daily Mail. "The many, many pictures of 'Foxy Knoxy' published in the Daily Mail tell us a lot about Paul Dacre," says psychoanalyst Peter Keogh. "Diana is dead, the Kate McCann thing is running out of steam and there's a limit on how many pictures of half-dressed drunk young women he can print. This one has the lot: murder, attractive young women drinking taking drugs and having sex with foreign men. Dacre must be absolutely creaming himself."

Arnie to solve Hollywood writer strike

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is stepping in to help resolve a strike by US film and television writers with a direct address to Writers Guild of America president Patric Verrone. "Come on, Verrone! You got what you want. Give these people airtime!" Schwarzenegger, a star of over 30 films, has been a critic of the industrial action since it started on 5 November, and opposes a new contract governing writers’ electronic revenue rights. "You cold-blooded bastard, I live to see you eat that contract. But I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine!"

The Rutles: Cheese And Onions

New concerns over prison overcrowding

A right wing think-tank has criticised the government for allowing prisons to become disastrously overcrowded. "Prisons should be reserved for real criminals, not the petty liars, con men and perjurers who are just clogging up the system," said a spokesman for the Centre for Social Justice. "Many of these prisoners could be out doing useful work for the Conservative Party," he added.

R.I.P./T.K.O.

Norman Mailer.

Hitler's cunning plan revealed

Nazi leader planned to control our minds from his flying saucers based at the South Pole.

Jeremy Paxman Spontaneously Combusts At Launch Of Newsnight Phone-In

The announcement that Newsnight is to feature phone-ins hosted by Richard Bacon was greeted positively today by the social incompetents, insomniacs and bored night shift workers who call his Radio FiveLive show. Meanwhile, CBEEBIES' Mr Tumble has been appointed to post of Lord Chancellor and will take up a seat in the House of Lords. Viewers with an informed opinion on the quality of television news journalism can vote by pressing the red button now.

Tories reject fat cat support

The Conservative Party has moved quickly to distance itself from Frank Lampard, after the Chelsea and England footballer declared himself a fan of the party and its leader David Cameron. "Mr Lampard plays for an unpopular team of well-off misfits and underachievers, that has been funded by money of dubious overseas origin," shadow cabinet office minister Francis Maude said. "There's no place for him in the Conservative Party." Lampard has tried to vote Conservative in previous elections, but has repeatedly spoiled his ballot by putting the 'X' too far above the target box.

Lesbian soldier was 'blonde', court told

An employment tribunal has heard how a female lance bombardier was 'blonde' and 'had sex'. The case continues.

Cheney says Iran on his side of the car

US forces in the Persian Gulf were put on high alert for possible military action, after vice president Dick Cheney's office claimed that Iran was encroaching on his side of the car. "Iran continues to flout international norms by refusing to stay on its side of the back seat," said Cheney spokesperson Lea Anne McBride. "The division is clearly marked by the armrest down the middle." Critics say the announcement is an attempt to draw attention away from impeachment proceedings against the vice president by providing a casus belli for an invasion of Iran, although Cheney's office denies that the comments are provocative. It is the second time this year that Cheney has spoken out publicly against the Teheran regime, after accusing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in August of touching his stuff.

Police to get extra powers

Government proposals to give the police controversial new powers have been criticised by the Opposition and civil liberties campaigners.
The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, outlined the new powers in an interview yesterday. "In this complex world, the police need greater powers to counter the serious threats we face. The old ways of masks and capes will no longer do. The police need to be able to regenerate from the most serious wounds, travel through time, and be really telekinetic. For up to 56 days."
The embattled Metropolitan Police Commissioner, Sir Ian Blair, facing renewed calls for his resignation, backed up Ms Smith. "Save the cheerleader, save the world," he said. "Do you want to see me fly or go invisible?"

"Women are stupid, vain and shallow" - Observer Editor

A dangerous shortage of stories about Kate Moss, pictures of Kate Moss and tittle tattle about Kate Moss threatens the existence of Observer Woman Magazine, Olly's Onions has learned. The monthly magazine, which specialises in body-hatred, neurotic panic about ageing and the promotion of plastic surgery, botox and nasty but expensive handbags, marks an interesting departure for the Observer which was founded over two centuries ago as a forum for liberal politics and independent journalism. "We are trying to plug the Kate Moss gap with pictures of other models wearing clothes and more drivel about it-bags but we don't know whether we can hold out. It can't be long before we're forced into writing something intelligent" a spokesman said.

CIA exhausts medieval torture budget

The US Central Intelligence Agency is expected to hugely overspend its torture budget this year because of large royalty payments to the estate of Tomás de Torquemada, the former Inquisitor General of Spain and inventor of waterboarding. Lawyers acting on behalf of Torquemada's descendants are suing the agency for $300mn for unlicensed use of the technique, which simulates death-by-drowning in its subjects. "We've tried to get them to back down on this," said CIA director, General Michael Vincent Hayden. "But, let's face it, you can't Torquemada anything." The Democratic-controlled Congress is likely to approve a budget increase to cover the shortfall.

Cameron slates government over economic competence

Chancellor Alistair Darling today came under renewed pressure from the Conservatives over his stewardship of the economy after it emerged that he blocked a move that could have rescued troubled bank Northern Rock. A Tory spokesman said this morning: "This comes on top of the capital gains tax fiasco, the US mortgage crisis and his U-turn on guarantees for bank depositors. It's pretty clear that we are now heading for the worst financial crisis since 1992 and that the Conservative party, under the leadership of David Cameron, is increasingly seen as a much safer pair of hands."

Top boffins: Onions boffo

Leading scientists have revealed that onions can reduce some early signs of heart disease. “Onions are fab,” said head onion researcher Jeremy Behan. “I love onions, me.” The findings confirm the results of a raft of totally unscientific tests conducted by internet bloggers.

Tories unveil new campaign poster

Beards can live for a thousand years - claim

Full story.

Bitter custody battle coming to an end

Full story.

Bush defends toady

US president George Bush has come out in support of attorney general nominee Michael Mukasey, as he faces pressure over his views on the constitutionality of coronation. "It's an unfair question," President Bush told reporters from a large chair on a raised platform in the Oval Office. "Michael Mukasey is a fine and loyal subject, but the Senate Judiciary Committee is asking him to comment on issues on which he has not been briefed. Off with their heads." Mukasey has over 20 years' experience hitting people with a balloon on a stick.

Stevie Wonder plays The Muppet Show*

*Err, make that Sesame Street.