Sunday, 30 September 2007
Friday, 28 September 2007
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Stepping out in a typically stylish and tieless grey two-piece, diminutive Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad brought his own inimitable glamour to a grateful New York in a whirlwind two-day visit. Olly's Onions caught up with him to ask him a few questions.
OO: Mr President...
MA: Mahmoud, please.
OO: Mahmoud, welcome to New York City. You've really stirred things up here...
MA: (Chuckles) Well, you know, as the song goes, it's a wonderful town! But seriously, I've had a blast. I'm gonna be out tonight, hoo boy. Shaking my tuches. Feeling fine.
OO: And where will you be going?
MA: First I'm going to try one of your famous hot dogs. All beef, like my men! (Laughs) Only kidding. Then I'm going to catch The Producers on Broadway. I've been dying to see it for years. "Bialystock & Bloom! Bialystock & Bloom!" I LOVE that film.
OO: We're surprised to hear you say that. As a Holocaust denier....
MA: No! Why is only Mel Brooks allowed to make jokes about Nazis? (Sings) "We're marching to a faster pace, look out here comes the master race." I mean, brilliant!
OO: So what's with you and nukes?
MA: Relax, relax, I'm just pulling everyone's shvantz. Or AM I? (Laughs)
OO: And what is your message to the people of New York?
MA: I'd say to each one of you, be a mensch. And if you can't be a mensch, be amazing.
OO: Mr President...
MA: Mahmoud, please.
OO: Mahmoud, thank you.
Tuesday, 25 September 2007
Monday, 24 September 2007
Saturday, 22 September 2007
Friday, 21 September 2007
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Whichever way you look at this case, the parents have got to be guilty. I'm sorry, but these so called well educated ‘pillars of society’ should not be allowed to get off scot free. How can intelligent people believe it's perfectly acceptable to leave three very young children alone in a foreign country? I've got to say I always thought there was something odd about that whole group of friends, the Tapas 9 I call them. When it all went terribly wrong on the night of May 3rd they obviously covered the whole thing up and faked the abduction of poor little Madeleine. I hope the angels are with her wherever she is. Sorry, but I have instinctively felt that they were suspect from the very beginning and I trust my sixth sense. I really think they are 100% guilty. I heard they were swingers too. And what about the 40 questions they refused to answer? One of the parents, I forget which, told the police that the window of the room was wide open and the shutters were up but apparently those shutters were very difficult to lift from the outside, and would have made a lot of noise. It's not difficult to join the dots, is it? And what about the DNA, body fluids, all that putrefaction, in the hire car? Those dogs can smell dead bodies you know. Now they're saying the dogs can be put off by the scent of a piece of pork - but would a trained dog really be fooled by a dodgy piece of pork? They must have moved the body, and they must have had outside help, what with being watched by the police and the media twenty four hours a day. It's obvious. Also, I heard they're doing tests to see if the sperm used in the IVF treatment was really Gerry's, and if it isn't, well there's his motive to kill the child if he knew she wasn't really his daughter. And as for Kate, apparently she couldn't cope with the children at all. She says all she ever wanted was to have kids but she was obviously a terrible mother, very aggressive they say, a depressive. Her a doctor as well. It's obvious she accidentally over sedated poor little Maddie. The hair in the car proves that. And did you see her afterwards? A bit too composed if you ask me, a bit too groomed, all those nice clothes. Unfeeling, that's what it is. The coldness of a killer, perhaps. Certainly not fit to be a mother. And why is that Branson getting in on the act? And I would have thought Gordon Brown had more important things to do with his time, like running a country, perhaps? Friends in high places, that's what it is. Apparently there's a link with the Masons as well. And just how much money and fame are the McCanns, getting out of it? The McSpins, I call them, the McScams. If they had organised their child care as meticulously as their press and PR campaign then perhaps, just perhaps, little Maddie would still be with us today.
Monday, 17 September 2007
Sunday, 16 September 2007
A 111-year-old man confirmed as the world's oldest man says he owes his longevity to steering clear of alcohol. Tomoji Tanabe, who still works as leader of the Liberal Democrats, revealed the secrets of his long life to reporters. "Unlike my predecessor I don't drink alcohol - that is the biggest reason for my good health," he said, adding that he intends to lead the Liberal Democrats into the next election and beyond.
Thursday, 13 September 2007
Wednesday, 12 September 2007
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
The Supreme Commander of the Droid Armies yesterday claimed that the military surge had produced real gains, and that the Confederacy is heading for victory over the Galactic Republic. General Grievous told Congress in testimony before a joint hearing of the Confederacy armed services and foreign affairs committee that the objectives of his Sith master Count Dooku are “largely being met”. The fearsome cyborg who retains his own organic brain, nervous system and sensory organs said that uneven but substantial progress had been made this year. “I cannot guarantee success for the Dark Side but I do believe that it is obtainable,” he said.
Saturday, 8 September 2007
Friday, 7 September 2007
Wednesday, 5 September 2007
Tuesday, 4 September 2007
Monday, 3 September 2007
Sunday, 2 September 2007
The Republican Party has moved quickly to restore its reputation for upholding family values after Idaho Senator Larry Craig resigned yesterday following his now notorious "bathroom incident".
Party officials said last night that they could foresee "no problems whatsoever on the gay front" with the fact that Craig's replacement would be chosen by Idaho Governor C.L. "Butch" Otter.
The Republican leadership is keen to scotch rumours that the whole social conservative movement is a seething mass of repressed and self-hating closet cases. Advising Governor Otter on his choice of appointee will be ex-House Majority Leader Tom "Cruise" DeLay and current Minority Whip, Trent "Dorothy" Lott (left, with Craig, centre, as one of a barbershop quartet known as The Singing Senators, singing their acclaimed a capella version of the theme from Cagney & Lacey).
UPDATE If Larry Craig were gay: