Friday, 30 November 2007
Thursday, 29 November 2007
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
The gaiety of the nation was greatly enhanced this week by Heat magazine's decision to ridicule a disabled 5 year old child. Readers were delighted by the free stickers given away with the latest edition which mocked Harvey Price, the severely disabled son of glamour model Jordan. The public was further entranced by editor Mark Frith's novel take on a heartfelt apology. "No offence was intended, but if any was caused we would like to apologise" chortled Frith who is thought to be a grown adult.
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Michael Bond, creator of Paddington Bear, went into hiding yesterday after widespread threats from trainspotters. Bond, 81, has been accused of demeaning one of the holy sites of trainspotters, by naming his cartoon bear after Paddington Station.
Stan Grimshaw, a trainspotter from Acton, claimed to be speaking for a billion trainspotters worldwide. "I am deeply offended," he said. "This blasphemer should know that the name of this bear disrespects the great Station of Paddington. As penance, Bond will be tied to the tracks outside Didcot and lashed by the wheels of the 15:09 to Bristol Temple Meads."
Monday, 26 November 2007
There was uproar tonight as BNP leader Nick Griffin and Holocaust denier David Irving apologised for attending an Oxford Union debate on free speech. "We are mortified," said Griffin. "We thought we were coming to a Combat 18 committee meeting. We had no idea we'd have to talk to a bunch of over-privileged nitwits who think they're future Tory cabinet ministers."
David Irving said, "We must starve them of the oxygen of publicity. Look at me. Heil Hitler."
Sunday, 25 November 2007
TV funny man Chris Morris has satirised left wingers in an article for The Observer. The Brass Eye frontman, famous for conning gullible celebrities into commenting on subjects on which they know nothing, turns his sights on left wingers anxious to appease the reactionary religious right, brilliantly exposing their hilarious and self-righteous leaps to the defence of Islamists.
Chris Morris has written an article about Martin Amis. Who is a RACIST.
Friday, 23 November 2007
A generation of confused Britons was vindicated today as it emerged that the Falkland Islands are indeed off the coast of Cornwall, as many originally assumed. Long-standing suspicions about the Islands' exact whereabouts were confirmed today with news that the Falmouth Coastguard had helped to rescue 150 passengers from a stricken cruise liner in the Antarctic Ocean - 800 miles south of the Falkland Islands.
Befuddled Briton, 46 year old Sarah Reid described herself as relieved on hearing the news: "I've been confused since 1982 - this really puts my mind at rest".
Thursday, 22 November 2007
In a traditional Thanksgiving ceremony at the White House this week, US president George Bush granted pardons for two turkeys, named May and Flower. In return, the president said he expects their full support in case any unspecified “legal difficulties”, as he put it, should arise after his term ends. “These two fine American birds embody fine American values,” Bush told reporters. “I hope they will understand the core American value of ‘I scratch your back, you scratch mine’.” The president added that he would be putting May and Flower forward as nominees to join the Supreme Court early next year.
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
It was revealed today that the identities of 11 English footballers have been lost due to poor organisation and incompetence. There are fears that their personal details may already have fallen into the hands of a bunch of overpaid prancing ninnies. England tonight lost to Croatia 25 million nil.
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
Monday, 19 November 2007
Sunday, 18 November 2007
Friday, 16 November 2007
Thursday, 15 November 2007
US pressure group Swift Boat Veterans for Truth has criticised Senator Hillary Clinton for her lack of front-line combat duty in the Vietnam war. “Where was Hillary at Khe San? Where was Hillary at Da Nang?” said spokesman John O'Neill. Swift Boats was formed to fight Democratic candidate John Kerry’s military record during the 2004 presidential race, but was criticised for being a partisan lobby with ties to President Bush's re-election campaign. The group has yet to comment on the Vietnam war experiences of leading Republican candidates Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani.
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
Monday, 12 November 2007
Friday, 9 November 2007
Thursday, 8 November 2007
The announcement that Newsnight is to feature phone-ins hosted by Richard Bacon was greeted positively today by the social incompetents, insomniacs and bored night shift workers who call his Radio FiveLive show. Meanwhile, CBEEBIES' Mr Tumble has been appointed to post of Lord Chancellor and will take up a seat in the House of Lords. Viewers with an informed opinion on the quality of television news journalism can vote by pressing the red button now.
The Conservative Party has moved quickly to distance itself from Frank Lampard, after the Chelsea and England footballer declared himself a fan of the party and its leader David Cameron. "Mr Lampard plays for an unpopular team of well-off misfits and underachievers, that has been funded by money of dubious overseas origin," shadow cabinet office minister Francis Maude said. "There's no place for him in the Conservative Party." Lampard has tried to vote Conservative in previous elections, but has repeatedly spoiled his ballot by putting the 'X' too far above the target box.
US forces in the Persian Gulf were put on high alert for possible military action, after vice president Dick Cheney's office claimed that Iran was encroaching on his side of the car. "Iran continues to flout international norms by refusing to stay on its side of the back seat," said Cheney spokesperson Lea Anne McBride. "The division is clearly marked by the armrest down the middle." Critics say the announcement is an attempt to draw attention away from impeachment proceedings against the vice president by providing a casus belli for an invasion of Iran, although Cheney's office denies that the comments are provocative. It is the second time this year that Cheney has spoken out publicly against the Teheran regime, after accusing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in August of touching his stuff.
Government proposals to give the police controversial new powers have been criticised by the Opposition and civil liberties campaigners.
The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, outlined the new powers in an interview yesterday. "In this complex world, the police need greater powers to counter the serious threats we face. The old ways of masks and capes will no longer do. The police need to be able to regenerate from the most serious wounds, travel through time, and be really telekinetic. For up to 56 days."
The embattled Metropolitan Police Commissioner, Sir Ian Blair, facing renewed calls for his resignation, backed up Ms Smith. "Save the cheerleader, save the world," he said. "Do you want to see me fly or go invisible?"
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
A dangerous shortage of stories about Kate Moss, pictures of Kate Moss and tittle tattle about Kate Moss threatens the existence of Observer Woman Magazine, Olly's Onions has learned. The monthly magazine, which specialises in body-hatred, neurotic panic about ageing and the promotion of plastic surgery, botox and nasty but expensive handbags, marks an interesting departure for the Observer which was founded over two centuries ago as a forum for liberal politics and independent journalism. "We are trying to plug the Kate Moss gap with pictures of other models wearing clothes and more drivel about it-bags but we don't know whether we can hold out. It can't be long before we're forced into writing something intelligent" a spokesman said.
The US Central Intelligence Agency is expected to hugely overspend its torture budget this year because of large royalty payments to the estate of Tomás de Torquemada, the former Inquisitor General of Spain and inventor of waterboarding. Lawyers acting on behalf of Torquemada's descendants are suing the agency for $300mn for unlicensed use of the technique, which simulates death-by-drowning in its subjects. "We've tried to get them to back down on this," said CIA director, General Michael Vincent Hayden. "But, let's face it, you can't Torquemada anything." The Democratic-controlled Congress is likely to approve a budget increase to cover the shortfall.
Monday, 5 November 2007
Leading scientists have revealed that onions can reduce some early signs of heart disease. “Onions are fab,” said head onion researcher Jeremy Behan. “I love onions, me.” The findings confirm the results of a raft of totally unscientific tests conducted by internet bloggers.
Sunday, 4 November 2007
Friday, 2 November 2007
US president George Bush has come out in support of attorney general nominee Michael Mukasey, as he faces pressure over his views on the constitutionality of coronation. "It's an unfair question," President Bush told reporters from a large chair on a raised platform in the Oval Office. "Michael Mukasey is a fine and loyal subject, but the Senate Judiciary Committee is asking him to comment on issues on which he has not been briefed. Off with their heads." Mukasey has over 20 years' experience hitting people with a balloon on a stick.