David Cameron to Nick Clegg: 'I was born to love you, I was born to lick your face.'

Full sordid story.

Jenny Tonge cancels Dubai holiday "just in case"

Leading Liberal Democrat Baroness Jenny Tonge has today announced that she is calling off a forthcoming holiday to Dubai because of fears that her own organs might be harvested through the strings of a tennis racquet. Zionists, who it is believed already have a grip on her party, have called for Tonge to set up an immediate enquiry into how she was able to forge an identity as a politician.

Nick Clegg: Make It Milky With Two Sugars

Nick Clegg wowed the Liberal Democrat faithful yesterday in his first conference speech as leader as he promised to guide his party to victory at the next election. His confident claim echoed the cry by former leader David Steel in 1981. Clegg received a three second standing ovation as he told delegates: "Go home to your constituencies and prepare yourself a lethal cocktail of prescription drugs you bunch of weirdy vegan bastards."

Lib Dems united on Europe insists Clegg

Story.

Senior Lib Dems: Ming chose his own moment to go

Many prefer to pull out their own teeth - poll

Liberal Democrats would rather pull out their own teeth than have Sir Menzies Campbell lead the party into the next election, a poll has revealed.

Doctors baffled by meteor sickness

Hundreds of people at the Liberal Democrat Party conference have required medical treatment after being exposed to a Hello! magazine double page spread in which the meteor-fixated MP Lembit Öpik is pictured embracing girlfriend Gabriela Irimina of pop duo The Cheeky Girls. People who saw the pictures complained of headaches, vomiting and nausea. The news came as Lib Dem poll ratings plummeted to Earth in a remote area of South West England.

World's oldest man: The secret to long life

A 111-year-old man confirmed as the world's oldest man says he owes his longevity to steering clear of alcohol. Tomoji Tanabe, who still works as leader of the Liberal Democrats, revealed the secrets of his long life to reporters. "Unlike my predecessor I don't drink alcohol - that is the biggest reason for my good health," he said, adding that he intends to lead the Liberal Democrats into the next election and beyond.

Lib Dems furious at Brown's "dirty tricks"

Senior Lib Dems have angrily denounced Gordon Brown's recent overtures to leading members of their party. Paddy Ashdown has confirmed that Brown offered him a seat in the Cabinet as Northern Ireland Secretary.
A spokesman for Menzies Campbell, the Lib Dem leader, said today, "It is outrageous that Gordon Brown should try to trick us into joining the government. It was touch and go after the Scottish Parliament elections, but we avoided a coalition there, and we're damn well going to avoid doing anything of consequence here as well. "