David Cameron: New airbrushing claims

New fears over identity theft scam

Police yesterday launched an inquiry into how thieves were able to steal thousands of policies from the Labour Party.
As the extraordinary scale of the biggest ever policy heist unravelled, security experts urged all political parties to tighten up their security systems to protect their members. The Home Office today warned the public to be on the lookout for a highly dangerous and organised group of criminals.

Fathers must take responsibility - Cameron

David Cameron yesterday told feckless fathers they must become more involved in deciding which boarding school their children should attend. In a speech in Manchester the Conservative leader said that too often important decisions about a child's future were left to the mother. "For the children's sake let there be a proper balance. It saddens me greatly that very often children are not cared for by the man and woman who brought them into the world," he said. "That’s what our society’s now come to - while absent fathers are out chasing City bonuses or goodness knows what, mothers are left at home filling out the forms for Westminster or Eton. These men must be obliged to take their responsibilities seriously."

Miliband: Hundred per cent cut in emissions by 2010

Environment Secretary David Miliband says latest projections suggest that the Labour government will cut emissions entirely by 2010. With the next general election three years away Mr Miliband says that Labour will easily achieve the ambitious target. "Under the leadership of Mr Brown there is no doubt in my mind that we will not be emitting any more damaging policies, Bills or Acts because we'll all be sitting on the opposition benches listening to Mr Cameron drone on." The Tories and Liberal Democrats have welcomed the proposals.

Cameron refuses to comment on new embarrassing picture

Conservative leader David Cameron yesterday refused to answer reporters' questions about a photograph which seems to show him dabbling in 'Norman Lamont'. Mr Cameron is alleged to have been heavily involved with 'Norman Lamont' when the then chancellor spent billions in failing to prop up the pound on ‘Black Wednesday’. Mr Cameron said in a statement last night: "I believe every politician has a right to a private past. All I will say is that I had a normal special adviser experience."

Blair avoids exit question with squirrel distraction

Prime minister's questions ended in uproar yesterday as Tony Blair deflected David Cameron's question about the timing of his departure. Asked by Mr Cameron to say precisely when he would be leaving Number 10, the prime minister distracted his opposite number's attention by pointing above the opposition benches and shouting "Look! A squirrel!" As opposition MPs turned to see the 'squirrel' the prime minister gathered his papers and ran out of the chamber leaving commentators speculating furiously whether this was a signal that Mr Blair is planning to stay in Downing Street longer than expected.

Vicar kidnappings continue as parents vie for best schools

It emerged last night that two more vicars have been kidnapped by desperate parents hoping to find places in popular local schools. The latest kidnappings took place in London’s trendy Notting Hill and bring the number of kidnappings in the last month to nine. The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams, issued a statement this morning condemning the kidnappings: “The Church of England utterly condemns these criminal acts. Our schools are increasingly popular, but the best way to secure a place for your child is to stuff your principles, go to church every Sunday and help out with the summer fete, just like that nice Mr Cameron.”

Cameron wants a Bullingdon Club in every borough

Community leaders have given a cautious welcome to David Cameron's proposal for a Bullingdon Club to be set up in every deprived borough. As an Oxford undergraduate in the 1980s Cameron was a member of the club, notorious for its boisterous dinners and whose members wear tailcoats costing over £1,000, and the Conservative leader believes that creating new clubs, in areas like Peckham and Streatham, might help solve the current gun crime epidemic. "We are seeing a break up in society precisely because too many young men lack direction and guidance. When I was a young man I found that being a member of Bullingdon helped me make new friends and keep on the straight and narrow. The worst we ever did was trash a few Michelin starred restaurants after a glass or two of champagne, but we never got involved in guns. Except when we went hunting."

Conservative central office shut down by drug police

The Conservative Party Central London office was shut down today by police investigating allegations that the premises were being used as a crack house. A Metropolitan Police spokesman confirmed that an address in Victoria had been made the subject of a Closure Order under Section 2 of the Anti Social Behaviour Act 2003, which enables police and local authorities to close down premises connected to Class A drug use. The news came as a further blow to leader David Cameron who has refused to comment on reports that he smokes up to three rocks of crack a day.

Prosecute Cameron campaign gathers pace

The Conservative Party said this morning that it was unconcerned by a growing demand for leader David Cameron to be arrested. The campaign, led by members of the left wing Stop the War coalition, seeks to have the Tory leader prosecuted for "war crimes of the future". Peter O'Greary, a seasoned anti-war campaigner, said yesterday: "We are opposed to all forms of imperialist war, past, present, and future." Speaking outside Conservative Central Office at an anti-Cameron protest, he added: "Cameron is going to be the prime minister soon. We are demanding that he is arrested now and tried for the war crimes of the future. Thousands of innocent people are going to die because of what he's going to do. He must be tried at the Hague and left to rot in a cell." A Conservative Party spokesman said: "We are confident that David has not broken the law."