John Terry granted leave to compose carefully worded Valentine Card for wife

Full romantic story.

Rio Ferdinand celebrates captaincy by re-releasing sex tape

New England football captain Rio Ferdinand has announced he is to celebrate his new position by releasing an extended version of his critically acclaimed sex tape, originally released in 2000. The new director's cut, Rio Redux, will feature a fabled, previously unseen sequence in which the captain and his men find themselves in a French lingerie model.

John Terry warned he will lose millions in sponsorship as affair revealed

Shame.

Michael Owen arrives at Manchester United for medical

More on the little Welsh Wizard.

Toon Army hail return of conquering hero

Bonjour.

Keegan says his goodbyes

Au revoir.

Suspicions grow along with Team GB's medal haul

Suspicion is mounting that British athletes have been using performance-enhancing techniques to achieve success at the Beijing Olympics. Leading members of the sporting community have expressed doubt that Great Britain could have risen to third in the medals table unaided. "We suspect that Team GB have been using controversial techniques such as increased funding, professional training, sporting ability and sheer hard work," said one IOC member who did not wish to be named. "We would expect this of the Chinese, but the British? Have you seen their footballers?"

Capello struggles to find decent role model for England captain

As more criticism emerges of John Terry and Rio Ferdinand as role models for our children, an increasingly desperate Fabio Capello promises to consider all options.

Italian flies in to save English football

Dante Alighieri is expected to be named England football manager this weekend after fruitful talks with the FA. Speaking today a spokesman for Dante said that the new manager's first job would be to purge the lustful, the gluttonous, the avaricious, the violent, the dishonest and the slothful from the team. England team captain John Terry was tonight reported to be lying in the freezing mud of the Third Circle of Hell guarded by the monstrous three-headed dog Cerberus.

Silver lining as England crash out

England's defeat to Croatia means fans will be spared the pain of a quarter final defeat on penalties at next year's European Championships. It had been widely anticipated that England would stutter through the group stages of the competition before coming up against the pre-tournament favourites in the quarter finals. England fan Brian Hill is happy with last night's result. "The team would have at last played to their potential, one of our players would have been unluckily sent off, the remaining players would have heroically almost snatched a winner at the end of extra time, before the game went to penalties and an inevitable exit for England. Everyone would have been saying we'd have won the whole competition if only we had got through that penalty shootout. Thank god we don't have to go through that routine again."

New identity fraud fears

It was revealed today that the identities of 11 English footballers have been lost due to poor organisation and incompetence. There are fears that their personal details may already have fallen into the hands of a bunch of overpaid prancing ninnies. England tonight lost to Croatia 25 million nil.

Tories reject fat cat support

The Conservative Party has moved quickly to distance itself from Frank Lampard, after the Chelsea and England footballer declared himself a fan of the party and its leader David Cameron. "Mr Lampard plays for an unpopular team of well-off misfits and underachievers, that has been funded by money of dubious overseas origin," shadow cabinet office minister Francis Maude said. "There's no place for him in the Conservative Party." Lampard has tried to vote Conservative in previous elections, but has repeatedly spoiled his ballot by putting the 'X' too far above the target box.

Sports desk - A nation mourns

Public sadness about millionaire Premiership footballers 'mugged' over charity donations will today be lifted by news that the minimum wage goes up this month by 17p an hour.

Manchester City man 'may not be fit and proper'

Human Rights concern over City boss.

Fans' fury as England neither good nor bad

England football fans have reacted with fury to the news that their team is neither the best nor the worst in the world. Thousands of fans who travelled to last night's match complained that the team's only average performance in last night's 3-0 win over lowly-ranked Andorra prevented them from neurotically veering between wild optimism and deep pessimism in the way they are used to. Burnley fan Frank Tait, who took two days off work to travel to the game, said: "I've followed England all over the world for twenty years and this team is not the best one we've had and it's not the worst. I'm absolutely gutted. They're a disgrace to the England shirt."