Hain in last ditch appeal for votes

Peter Hain has attempted to shore up his faltering campaign for the deputy leadership of the Labour Party by appealing to grassroots voters. In a speech today to the National Sunbed Association he outlined his vision. "I passionately believe that we need to reach out to the people who share our values, but who are no longer turning to Labour. I say this to anyone who has ever laid themselves down beneath a sunbed, to anyone who has ever opened a bottle of tanning lotion, to anyone who has ever bronzed themselves beneath the blazing cadmium sun of the Eastern Veld: join me. Vote Hain for an all over golden future."

Hazel Blears saved from drowning in inch of water

There was widespread sadness last week after Hazel Blears, miniature candidate for Labour deputy leader, was saved from drowning in a one inch puddle by supporter Stephen Pound MP.

Miliband regrets chancing his arm after brutal response by Brown

After yesterday's events it is believed that David Miliband is having second thoughts about running for the Labour leadership.

Blow for Brown as focus group rejects new facial expressions

Gordon Brown's attempts to soften his dour image as the Labour leadership contest approaches have run into trouble. A focus group commissioned by the chancellor's camp was shown more than two hundred new facial expressions being considered by his team for the upcoming campaign but rejected all of them. When asked to give the first word or phrase that came to mind to describe the chancellor's efforts, more than half of the group said they were "terrifying". The findings leave Brown's image consultants just a few weeks to come up with a new look before the leadership election expected in May.

The Whitehall Archipelago

A former member of the nomenklatura emerged blinking yesterday from a gulag where he has languished for the last two years. Comrade Turnbull had been banished to a labour camp known as the "House of Lords," where harsh and brutal metaphors are believed to be used, and where inmates, clad only in ermine, are forced to live on a diet of venison and claret.
"I come to denounce Gordon Ivanovitch," Turnbull said, referring to Comrade Brown, who is expected to become General Secretary of the Party and have rival politburo members shot or poisoned after the forthcoming May Day elections. "He is a ruthless man who thinks nothing of sending millions of innocent memos to the shredder and plunging ice picks into the careers of his colleagues."
Leading candidates for Deputy General Secretary, Piotr Hain, Mikhail Meacher and Harieta Harmanovna are reported to have formed a troika, denounced each other and fled to Mexico.

Miliband in Brown "twat" gaffe

David Miliband was today forced into an embarrassing climbdown after describing Gordon Brown as a "twat" on last night's Question Time. The Secretary of State for Environment, an arch-Blairite tipped as a future Labour leader, said: "If Gordon becomes Prime Minister I guarantee that in six months time people will be saying 'Fuck me, even that little prick Tony Blair was better than this dour twat. Why the hell is this tit our prime Minister?' " Asked by David Dimbleby to explain his remarks, he said: "Whoever's in – people always have a whack at you, that's the joy of politics." A spokesman for Miliband said today: "David was pointing out the fickle nature of political life, so piss off."