As a state summit takes place between their two countries, French president Nicolas Sarkozy and UK prime minister Gordon Brown both admit that they are happy to spend time with a foreign politician who is less popular than themselves. Sarkozy, who has drawn flak at home for his perceived lack of dignity in the office of president after marrying former fashion model Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, has been looking forward to appearing side-by-side with the UK prime minister. Brown, whose Labour government has struggled in opinion polls since he took over from Tony Blair, has similarly been enjoying appearing statesmanlike next to a man that the French media has dubbed "Président Bling-Bling". "Thank God I'm not in his position," read a joint communiqué today.
The revelation that bored US passport officials looked at the passport details of the Presidential candidates was greeted with huge relief today.
News editors, struggling to fill bulletins with their seasonal standbys "Thousands head for the sun as cold snap hits UK" and "Easter getaway causes travel chaos", were delighted by the story which, although completely boring, gave the impression of being news.
Republican presidential candidate John McCain has promised massive and disproportionate revenge against anyone who accuses him of being a hothead. "I will follow [them] to the gates of hell and I will shoot [them]," the Arizona senator vowed. McCain has drawn fire before for his volcanic temperament, for using obscene swear words at fellow lawmakers on several occasions, and for joking about bombing Iran. But the senator insists the criticisms are overdone, and pledges to kick the shit out of any of the "fucking jerks" who repeat them. "Fuck you," he added. McCain is currently on a tour of the Middle East to show off his statesmanlike credentials.
"We are absolutely fucked," said US Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today, after the United States' 5th largest investment bank, Bear Stearns, was bought by JP Morgan for two chocolate cupcakes and some sprinkles, interest rates were slashed again, the dollar plunged and panic spread through financial markets worldwide. "You have no idea," Bernanke added, "how fucked we are. I'm fucked, you're fucked, we're all fucked. No-one knows what kind of shit they've bought, or sold, or have been landed with. Fuck this. You want rate cuts? YOU WANT RATE CUTS?! I'LL GIVE YOU FUCKING RATE CUTS!"
"It's 3am and your cows are asleep," the voice over says. "There's a phone in the White House, and it's ringing. Something is happening in the world. Your vote will decide who milks the cows."
School pupils should "kneel before Zod" to encourage feelings of belonging and citizenship, recently retired attorney general Lex Luthor told the BBC's Today programme. Bowing before the exiled Kryptonian supervillain would foster a sense of communal pride and citizenship, says Luthor. Critics say that General Zod is a poor symbol on which to base a national unity drive. "As an unelected alien overlord with superpowers, Zod does not represent the experience of the majority of UK citizens," says Labour peer Baroness Kennedy. But Luthor believes that Zod — who has been a merciless oppressor since being accidentally freed from his deep-space Phantom Zone prison — can be a unifying force in UK national life. "I mean, it's no less ridiculous than pledging allegiance to a hereditary monarch from a German background."
President George Bush, giving his endorsement to Republican presidential nominee John McCain today, said that he is looking forward to having him help out around the White House over the next four years. "John, you've fought a good campaign," the president told the Arizona senator. "Together, we can continue to serve this great nation of ours." McCain tried to speak several times at the press conference on the White House lawn, but reporters were distracted by the president handing out "Bush-McCain in '08" badges. "Four more years!" Bush added.
US consumer activist Ralph Nader has announced he will run for President again, sparking fears among Democrats that his campaign could split their vote in November. Running under the slogan “Shut up, America, and listen to Ralph Nader” Nader says that the current election does not address the real issues facing the country, principally that there is not enough attention being paid to Ralph Nader. “For too long have the main establishment political parties framed the debate in narrow, non-Ralph Nader terms,” Nader told a press conference. “My campaign will speak for attention-seekers called Ralph Nader everywhere”. Critics blame Nader for siphoning off Democratic votes from Al Gore in the 2000 presidential campaign, allowing George Bush to win by a slender margin, and for accepting help from right-wing activists in his last campaign in 2004. But Nader dismissed the charges as irrelevant, because they mentioned people other than Ralph Nader.
The Chancellor, Alastair Darling, has announced that urgent legislation will be put before the House of Commons to place Mohammed Al Fayed into public ownership. Darling defended the government's actions, saying, "the taxpayer already faces potential costs of up to £100bn as a result of reckless and irresponsible inquiries into conspiracy theories involving Prince Phillip, Nazis and MI6."
Saudi Arabia has sentenced a woman to death for witchcraft. Olly's Onions has exclusively obtained leaked court documents which detail the proceedings. Following are edited extracts.
Foreman of the jury: If… she weighs the same… as a duck… She's made out of wood…
Chief Judge: And therefore?
Foreman of the jury: (long pause)… A witch!
Jury members: Burn her! Burn her!
The full transcript can be read here.
Valentine's Day misery broke out today as hundreds of lonely singles took to the streets to campaign for an end to the annual celebration which they argue excludes the sad and the single. Sickened by the proliferation of teddy bears with cute slogans and heart-shaped chocolates wrapped in pink foil, the lonesome campaigners demanded that something be done to halt the callous trade in giant padded cards from Clintons and garage-sourced red roses wrapped in cellophane.
"It's just so unfair" sobbed one protestor, "It's hard enough being single without having it rubbed in every Valentine's Day. Honestly, if I see another oversized bouquet of flowers delivered to the office today, I'm just going to kill myself".
The scientific establishment was rocked this week by the revelation that esteemed thinker India Knight - who has a sideline as a lifestyle journalist - doesn't "believe" in science. Ms Knight who specialises in writing about shopping, eating and her life in North London, dismissed a study of 5000 twins, which examined the relationship between environmental factors and genetic factors in causing obesity, on the basis that she doesn't "believe a word of it". This will come as a surprise to the properly qualified scientists at University College London whose work over several years was published this month in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.
India Knight is currently promoting the sale of her diet book. The diet book industry is likely to be damaged by the discovery that obesity has a major genetic factor, but this is not thought to have had any bearing on her views.
The religious leader of the Sunni community in Saudi Arabia has come under fire for suggesting it is only a matter of time before Church of England parishioners can hold bake sales in the kingdom. "I can even envision a time when there might be day trips to the seaside to thank parish volunteers for their work over the year," said Grand Mufti Shaikh Aal ash-Shaikh. The Grand Mufti's speech has proved controversial in Saudi Arabia, where trying to convert a muslim to another religion is a capital crime. "Now it's tea with the vicar," said Medina resident Abdallah bin-Aziz. "What's next? Bingo evenings? Where does it end?" Shaikh Aal ash-Shaikh's spokesman later clarified that the Grand Mufti's remarks were, like the Archbishop of Canterbury's, meant only to initiate a debate about whether religious freedoms should be spread in Saudi Arabia. Religious police have not yet responded because they have been otherwise engaged in clamping down on the sale of Valentine's Day red roses.
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