Rio Ferdinand celebrates captaincy by re-releasing sex tape

New England football captain Rio Ferdinand has announced he is to celebrate his new position by releasing an extended version of his critically acclaimed sex tape, originally released in 2000. The new director's cut, Rio Redux, will feature a fabled, previously unseen sequence in which the captain and his men find themselves in a French lingerie model.

Fans enjoying bumper weekend of sport

Limitless thrills as winner emerges.

Manchester City man 'may not be fit and proper'

Human Rights concern over City boss.

Tour de France doping shock

The world of cycling was stunned yesterday when Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen was thrown out of the race for missing drug tests and lying about his whereabouts. "We are shocked," said a fellow competitor. "We have to cycle up the Pyrenees for fuck's sake. How do you expect us to do that if we're not hopped up on goofballs?"

Botham knighted for services to highlighted mullet industry

Fans' fury as England neither good nor bad

England football fans have reacted with fury to the news that their team is neither the best nor the worst in the world. Thousands of fans who travelled to last night's match complained that the team's only average performance in last night's 3-0 win over lowly-ranked Andorra prevented them from neurotically veering between wild optimism and deep pessimism in the way they are used to. Burnley fan Frank Tait, who took two days off work to travel to the game, said: "I've followed England all over the world for twenty years and this team is not the best one we've had and it's not the worst. I'm absolutely gutted. They're a disgrace to the England shirt."

Flintoff axed after "lapse in judgement"

Andrew Flintoff was sensationally dropped from England's drunken prank team after allegedly spending an afternoon in the nets, then having a light supper and an early night. While the rest of the team, dressed as pirates, tried to board a passing yacht from their pedaloes at 4am, Flintoff was sleeping soundly, in contravention of team rules. He has since apologised, saying that he was "ashamed and embarrassed" by his behaviour.
Ian Botham said of Flintoff, "A lot of lads look up to Freddie, and if they see him behaving like a responsible athlete, they'll think they can do the same. Cheers."
England lost yesterday to a team of part-time drinkers from the US by 4 broken shopping trollies (with 52 Stellas remaining).