French, UK leaders enjoy time with less popular politician

As a state summit takes place between their two countries, French president Nicolas Sarkozy and UK prime minister Gordon Brown both admit that they are happy to spend time with a foreign politician who is less popular than themselves. Sarkozy, who has drawn flak at home for his perceived lack of dignity in the office of president after marrying former fashion model Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, has been looking forward to appearing side-by-side with the UK prime minister. Brown, whose Labour government has struggled in opinion polls since he took over from Tony Blair, has similarly been enjoying appearing statesmanlike next to a man that the French media has dubbed "Président Bling-Bling". "Thank God I'm not in his position," read a joint communiqué today.

Clinton unveils new campaign team

Story.

Hybrid creatures round on Catholic Church

A coalition of Greek mythological creatures has written to every MP urging them to back the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill, which will allow the creation of part-human, part-animal embryos. At the weekend Scottish Cardinal Keith O'Brien said the bill would allow "grotesque procedures" which would "attack the sanctity and dignity of human life," but the Minotaur today criticised the church's stance on the issue. "Some people say that these Cardinals are potential human beings and should be treated with respect, but we cannot agree with that," said the half man, half bull. "Without this sort of scientific breakthrough we would have had no Sphinx, no Siren, no Centaur," he added. "And would the cruel church really wish to deny the Satyr his boundless, immortal erection?"

Nadine Dorries, cui bono?

No clear answer here.

Breaking news - Presidential candidates have dates of birth and passport numbers

The revelation that bored US passport officials looked at the passport details of the Presidential candidates was greeted with huge relief today.
News editors, struggling to fill bulletins with their seasonal standbys "Thousands head for the sun as cold snap hits UK" and "Easter getaway causes travel chaos", were delighted by the story which, although completely boring, gave the impression of being news.

Easter celebrations begin around the world

Story here.

Chapeau to Monsieur Millar

Olly adds:

More Holy news.

(Hallelujahs: Will)

McCain impulsively threatens critics over 'hothead' accusations

Republican presidential candidate John McCain has promised massive and disproportionate revenge against anyone who accuses him of being a hothead. "I will follow [them] to the gates of hell and I will shoot [them]," the Arizona senator vowed. McCain has drawn fire before for his volcanic temperament, for using obscene swear words at fellow lawmakers on several occasions, and for joking about bombing Iran. But the senator insists the criticisms are overdone, and pledges to kick the shit out of any of the "fucking jerks" who repeat them. "Fuck you," he added. McCain is currently on a tour of the Middle East to show off his statesmanlike credentials.

Global financial system "fucked" says Fed Chairman

"We are absolutely fucked," said US Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today, after the United States' 5th largest investment bank, Bear Stearns, was bought by JP Morgan for two chocolate cupcakes and some sprinkles, interest rates were slashed again, the dollar plunged and panic spread through financial markets worldwide. "You have no idea," Bernanke added, "how fucked we are. I'm fucked, you're fucked, we're all fucked. No-one knows what kind of shit they've bought, or sold, or have been landed with. Fuck this. You want rate cuts? YOU WANT RATE CUTS?! I'LL GIVE YOU FUCKING RATE CUTS!"

The Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King, did not share his US counterpart's optimism. "Oh my fucking god," he said today. "We haven't got a fucking clue. Any of us. It's all built on shit that's sinking fast. It's quicksand. Quickshit. Whatever. Fuck."

Heather: Paul has favourable press

Gold-digger Lady Mucca Mills-McCartney today falsely claimed that coverage of her divorce battle has been biased in favour of former husband Paul McCartney. Sir Paul, pictured, is maintaining a perfect, divine silence on the matter.

Hoax, or hostile act by the masonic overlords that seek to rule every aspect of our existence?

London Eye's Illuminati link to Great Pyramid of Cheops revealed.

Nation shocked by discovery of latest appalling family

Full appalling story, by our appalling families who are not like us and deserve whatever appalling thing they get correspondent.

Dunce Desk

Republicans.

Bishops.

Romantics.

Hillary goes on attack with 3am phone call ad.

"It's 3am and your cows are asleep," the voice over says. "There's a phone in the White House, and it's ringing. Something is happening in the world. Your vote will decide who milks the cows."

Pupils should kneel before Zod

School pupils should "kneel before Zod" to encourage feelings of belonging and citizenship, recently retired attorney general Lex Luthor told the BBC's Today programme. Bowing before the exiled Kryptonian supervillain would foster a sense of communal pride and citizenship, says Luthor. Critics say that General Zod is a poor symbol on which to base a national unity drive. "As an unelected alien overlord with superpowers, Zod does not represent the experience of the majority of UK citizens," says Labour peer Baroness Kennedy. But Luthor believes that Zod — who has been a merciless oppressor since being accidentally freed from his deep-space Phantom Zone prison — can be a unifying force in UK national life. "I mean, it's no less ridiculous than pledging allegiance to a hereditary monarch from a German background."

I see a role for Mandelson says Brown as feud ends

More.

Boris: I am descended from Martians

Story.

Lib Dems united on Europe insists Clegg

Story.

Millions face disappointment unconfined

Seven hour talk exposing the dreamworld we believe to be real sold out.









Renoir adds:

Ickean Disciples strike a blow against the true Rulers of the Earth (pictured below: Princess Michael of Kent)




Via.

Bush endorses McCain for vice-president

President George Bush, giving his endorsement to Republican presidential nominee John McCain today, said that he is looking forward to having him help out around the White House over the next four years. "John, you've fought a good campaign," the president told the Arizona senator. "Together, we can continue to serve this great nation of ours." McCain tried to speak several times at the press conference on the White House lawn, but reporters were distracted by the president handing out "Bush-McCain in '08" badges. "Four more years!" Bush added.

Obama critical of insufficiently biased press

Handsome Illinois Senator Barack Obama, speaking in his famed baritone, has criticised reporters after a week in which media coverage of his campaign switched from the girlishly starry-eyed to the merely droolingly aroused.

Condoleezza Rice unhappy with portrait artist

Middle East tour continues.

Bros re-form to dominate the Russian political landscape for the next decade

Story.

Newspapers deny fawning over Harry

Newspaper editors have rejected suggestions that the coverage of Prince Harry's daring desert escapades has been nothing more than grovelling PR for the Royal Family. The soldier prince's war came to an abrupt end after he was dramatically pulled out of Afghanistan when his cover was blown, but papers deny that their coverage has been overly fawning. "Prince Harry is an ordinary soldier who is prepared to die for the country he doesn't much like," says News of the World editor Colin Myler, who claims the coverage has been balanced. "For security reasons for instance we have agreed not to report on Harry's one man mission during which he single-handedly rescued hundreds of prisoners of war from captivity before heroically commandeering a tank and colliding it into a helicopter killing the enemy commander."

Dunce Desk

Briton gives up on attempt to walk across the globe without a brain.

Prepare for the end of the world say scientists

Not long now.

Boost for Obama as Farrakhan gives backing

Minister Louis Farrakhan has given his backing to democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama at the annual convention of the Nation of Islam. Farrakhan, speaking from a city-sized UFO known as the Mother Wheel, added: "At least Obama isn't a Jew."

Ralph Nader launches presidential attention campaign

US consumer activist Ralph Nader has announced he will run for President again, sparking fears among Democrats that his campaign could split their vote in November. Running under the slogan “Shut up, America, and listen to Ralph Nader” Nader says that the current election does not address the real issues facing the country, principally that there is not enough attention being paid to Ralph Nader. “For too long have the main establishment political parties framed the debate in narrow, non-Ralph Nader terms,” Nader told a press conference. “My campaign will speak for attention-seekers called Ralph Nader everywhere”. Critics blame Nader for siphoning off Democratic votes from Al Gore in the 2000 presidential campaign, allowing George Bush to win by a slender margin, and for accepting help from right-wing activists in his last campaign in 2004. But Nader dismissed the charges as irrelevant, because they mentioned people other than Ralph Nader.

Edith Piaf: La Vie En Rose

'Edith Piaf' wins Oscar.

Speaker Martin denies Air Miles misuse

More.

Nation weeps for 'heartbroken' Anthea

Full story.

Conspiracy Vault: Emmerdale plane crash - Jews “had prior warning”

More than a dozen Jewish farm workers stayed at home as a plane crashed into the sleepy Yorkshire village of Emmerdale in 1993, according to a new film released today. The 70 minute film, 'Emmerdale – the Israeli Connection', alleges that the workers had been tipped off by Israel's intelligence agency Mossad, and did not appear for work on the day of the horrific crash in which many villagers were killed or injured. One contributor to the programme says: “Is it any coincidence that some individuals made millions selling shares in kosher lamb that very day?” Meanwhile an Israeli government spokesman has dismissed the film’s claim that Israel's then prime minister Yitzhak Rabin cancelled a night out at the Woolpack only days before the attack.

Government to nationalise Al Fayed

The Chancellor, Alastair Darling, has announced that urgent legislation will be put before the House of Commons to place Mohammed Al Fayed into public ownership. Darling defended the government's actions, saying, "the taxpayer already faces potential costs of up to £100bn as a result of reckless and irresponsible inquiries into conspiracy theories involving Prince Phillip, Nazis and MI6."

Economists are concerned that no one knows the true extent of the worthless claims, which have been packaged and sold around the world in recent years. In his evidence before the 5th Annual Inquest Into The Deaths Of Princess Diana And Dodi, Mr Fayed - whose real name ends with 'Frankenstein' - accused not only Tony Blair and Jack Straw, but French intelligence agents and the CIA, indicating that the crisis is moving from the sub-prime minister sector to the wider world.

The Chancellor rejected claims that the government should not be in the Fayed business. "He's a clown and a buffoon, with more money than sense. What's your point?"

Jimmy Savile exits stage, grows beard

Story.

A timely warning

Riots break out across India over quality of Guardian travel journalism

Full story.

Nanny State debate rumbles on

Fury as Nanny State orders parents not to keep their own children in wire mesh cages.

Chapeau

Saudi court transcripts leaked

Saudi Arabia has sentenced a woman to death for witchcraft. Olly's Onions has exclusively obtained leaked court documents which detail the proceedings. Following are edited extracts.

Foreman of the jury: If… she weighs the same… as a duck… She's made out of wood…
Chief Judge: And therefore?
Foreman of the jury: (long pause)… A witch!
Jury members: Burn her! Burn her!

The full transcript can be read here.

Ban this heartless event beg lonely singles

Valentine's Day misery broke out today as hundreds of lonely singles took to the streets to campaign for an end to the annual celebration which they argue excludes the sad and the single. Sickened by the proliferation of teddy bears with cute slogans and heart-shaped chocolates wrapped in pink foil, the lonesome campaigners demanded that something be done to halt the callous trade in giant padded cards from Clintons and garage-sourced red roses wrapped in cellophane.
"It's just so unfair" sobbed one protestor, "It's hard enough being single without having it rubbed in every Valentine's Day. Honestly, if I see another oversized bouquet of flowers delivered to the office today, I'm just going to kill myself".

Gang of yobs remains undeterred

LOCAL NEWS: A gang of unpleasant snobs which has been hanging around the Westminster village for the last two years has refused to disperse despite the high pitched whining emitted by the Labour front bench. One villager complained: "These horrible tailcoat wearing aristocrats just hang around all day waiting for the next general election so they can smash the place up and make life totally unbearable for the rest of us."

New warning over inbreeding risks

More.

Lifestyle journalist more knowledgeable than scientists - fact

The scientific establishment was rocked this week by the revelation that esteemed thinker India Knight - who has a sideline as a lifestyle journalist - doesn't "believe" in science. Ms Knight who specialises in writing about shopping, eating and her life in North London, dismissed a study of 5000 twins, which examined the relationship between environmental factors and genetic factors in causing obesity, on the basis that she doesn't "believe a word of it". This will come as a surprise to the properly qualified scientists at University College London whose work over several years was published this month in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.
India Knight is currently promoting the sale of her diet book. The diet book industry is likely to be damaged by the discovery that obesity has a major genetic factor, but this is not thought to have had any bearing on her views.

Grand Mufti says CofE bake sales 'unavoidable'

The religious leader of the Sunni community in Saudi Arabia has come under fire for suggesting it is only a matter of time before Church of England parishioners can hold bake sales in the kingdom. "I can even envision a time when there might be day trips to the seaside to thank parish volunteers for their work over the year," said Grand Mufti Shaikh Aal ash-Shaikh. The Grand Mufti's speech has proved controversial in Saudi Arabia, where trying to convert a muslim to another religion is a capital crime. "Now it's tea with the vicar," said Medina resident Abdallah bin-Aziz. "What's next? Bingo evenings? Where does it end?" Shaikh Aal ash-Shaikh's spokesman later clarified that the Grand Mufti's remarks were, like the Archbishop of Canterbury's, meant only to initiate a debate about whether religious freedoms should be spread in Saudi Arabia. Religious police have not yet responded because they have been otherwise engaged in clamping down on the sale of Valentine's Day red roses.

God hits back in Sharia law row

Palace swept for bugs - inquest

The inquest into the deaths of Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed has heard how Princes Andrew and Edward were removed by security services after Buckingham Palace was swept for unwanted bugs. The hearing continues.

Clintons replace campaign manager after image change backfires

Story.

Conspiracy vault: New evidence of lunar hoax

Internet chat boards have been buzzing for weeks with the emergence of new evidence that the moon landings were an elaborate hoax. Excited conspiracy theorists say that analysis of the television programme Lunar Jim, which chronicles the moon life of astronaut Jim and his team – Robot Dog Rover, Ripple, Eco, and T.E.D. the Technical Equipment Device - shows that the images apparently being beamed back to earth are staged, probably in the Nevada desert. Bill Kaysing, for many years a leading hoax theorist, says that Lunar Jim is yet more NASA funded propaganda. "If you look carefully you can see that Jim's flag flutters in a breeze - yet there is no air on the moon at all! Plus you couldn't have that cow and that chicken just walking around on the moon like that." A tight lipped CBeebies spokesman would confirm only that Lunar Jim is intended as "a children's cartoon."

Knees Desk

The Daily Mail today unveiled a new knees policy with a greater emphasis on serious knees issues.

News: Kate Moss, Eva Longoria, Victoria Beckham, Angelina Jolie, Paris Hilton and Mischa Barton were all today confirmed to have joints connecting their femur, patella and tibia.

Fears over bugging proposals

Story.

Two-finger salute

Democrats battle for fixed-grin supremacy

Story here.