Banks stave off credit crunch through hip hoppery

Following the collapse of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and IndyMac, US treasury secretary Hank Paulson has issued an edict that all American banks are to be renamed in a similar style. JP Morgan and Goldman Sachs are to be rebranded Jimmy Mack and LL Cool G respectively and the Fed itself will henceforth be known as Big Mac.

The UK is thought to be following suit in a British style with Northern Rock and Bradford & Bingley to be renamed Fanny Craddock and Poached Haddock with immediate effect.

James Purnell's sideburns tipped for top job

As nervous Labour MPs ponder how long Gordon Brown can stay in office, many in Westminster are tipping James Purnell's sideburns to take over as Prime Minister before the next election. If the Welfare Secretary's sideburns make it to Downing Street they would become the first facial hair to make it to the top job since Harold Macmillan's moustache and pipe's joint premiership.

Dunce Desk

Laurel.

Hardy.

Chapeau.

Media get tough with Cameron

Full story.

Music Desk: Scott Walker plays Jackie

Chefs Against Circumcision

Protest group "Chefs against Circumcision" today marched on Downing Street denouncing plans to take the tips off their kitchen knives. Anguished Worrall Thompson cried, "How will we butterfly our lamb now?" Pierre White added, "We will never again be able to carve a forerib of beef!" Where will it all end, they ask, as they lock up their ladles.

Genocidaire expresses concern over fragile Sudan peace talks

"Leave me alone to kill them all, or I will kill them all."

Brangelina twins: First pictures of cash to be published in US magazine

Happy parents Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie yesterday celebrated the arrival of newborn twin piles of dollar bills. After a frenzied bidding war the first photographs of the cash will be published in an unnamed American magazine, which offered an undisclosed amount of publicity for the pictures.

'I have sympathy' for PM - Major

Story.

Papal Bull?

Today the Pope apologised for actions which he described as "incompatible" with being a Catholic Priest such as not believing, not turning up to Mass on Sunday, not being very good at lighting candles without burning your fingers and... oh yes, Paedophilia.

David Davis: Britain hails spectacular victory

Full spectacular story.

Dance Desk: Unisex moustaches and Spanish funk

(Muchas gracias: Ectomo)

US founding fathers now spinning at over 200 rpm

Sensitive listening technology at tombs in the eastern US has revealed that the interred remains of the country's founding fathers are rotating at over 200 revolutions per minute. Top scientists are at a loss to explain the phenomenon affecting the decayed corpses of all 56 original delegates to the US constitutional convention. “Benjamin Franklin is now rotating at over 210 rpm," says presidential historian Paul Wilstach. "George Washington has a measured spin rate of 250 rpm, and is shaking loose parts of the headstone at Mount Vernon." Rotation rates have nearly doubled since the passing of a bill granting retroactive immunity to telecommunications firms that illegally spied on US citizens. Activists blame the Bush administration's flagrant disregard for the law, particularly for privacy guarantees in the constitution's fourth amendment. Many were hoping that intervention by Democratic legislators and presumptive presidential nominee Barack Obama would block the bill and reduce the spin rate of the nation's revered founders. Too bad.

Church split over beards

The worldwide Anglican communion is facing a damaging rift which observers say could lead to a formal schism in the Church. The Archbeard of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, told the General Synod yesterday that women risked humiliation if they, too, were not permitted to grow beards. Dr Williams has faced fierce opposition from smooth-cheeked traditionalists, who claim that they will only permit themselves to be shaved by other men. Archbishop Peter Jensen of Sydney, a leading hairless primate, claimed that bearded women could quite easily be mistaken for gays.

The Anglican Church is following the lead of other churches, such as the Church of Scientology, which has tolerated female beards for many years.

Reheat leftovers says Prime Minister

A government report has revealed that more than four million tonnes of goodwill has been wasted in the last year. Gordon Brown responded to the report by reheating Peter Mandelson and Alastair Campbell, stale leftovers from the Blairite era. "Bubble and Squeak, we call them," said a spokesman for the prime minister.

Boris Johnson hits out at "stifling orthodoxy"

Story.

That would be an ecumenical matter

Former Craggy Island priest, Father Ted Crilly, has been suspended as London deputy mayor pending an investigation into allegations of financial misconduct while he was still a man of the cloth. Father Ted was originally sent to Craggy Island by Bishop Leonard Brennan for allegedly misappropriating church funds in an episode known as "that Lourdes thing", a charge that Crilly denies. "I swear the money was just resting in my account," Father Ted says. Mayor Boris Johnson came out in support of his deputy mayor by telling reporters to "Feck off!"

Astonishment as pregnant woman's stomach grows

There was widespread astonishment today after the Daily Mail revealed evidence that the stomachs of pregnant women get bigger. Experts are studying the findings.

Music Desk: Professor Longhair plays Tipitina

NHS Headline mix-up

A slightly deaf patient was left devastated today by a misheard headline. "I was listening to a story about patients rating hospitals and thought it was just a load of old bollocks about postcodes, rights, dashboards and the quaint idea that people like me have got the first clue about quality of service," he said this afternoon. "I might be really thick but I reckon it will probably just make them see me quickly and rush me through rather than thinking about what's wrong with me," he added. "Then I heard that headline and thought, that's a service I would rate. But no. Typical bloody NHS, it's never about Joe Bloody Bloggs."

Man sells off whole life

Full story.

Queen broke shock

The Queen is so strapped for cash she plans to set up premium rate 'Dial-a-Royal' phone lines to boost her coffers. Phone companies fear they will collapse under the strain of demand and a busy operator reported that the most popular question was likely to be "how much for your corgis?" Prince Philip, likely to be besieged by S & M fetishists begging to be abused, is not taking part. Al Fayed's number is barred.

Mandela concert: Brian May steers small talk away from Sun City

"Look, a squirrel!"

Crackpot to stand in by-election

Crackpot conspiracy theorist David Davis has unexpectedly thrown his hat into the ring to fight the Haltemprice and Howden by-election against David Icke. Davis, a proponent of the death penalty for terrorism suspects, believes that the world is ruled by a reptilian secret group called the "Global Elite" or "Etonati."

Next Bond villain predicts Christ will return as Muslim

Full story.

Boris Johnson appoints new race adviser

Story.

RIP Desk: George Carlin

Carlin's blue label.

Shami Chakrabarti: Publicity is a fundamental human right

Liberty director Shami Chakrabarti has criticised what she describes as the alarming erosion of her right to publicity. "I am deeply shocked by your failure to print any gushing profile of me whatsoever since yesterday," she wrote in a letter to newspaper editors today. "I look forward to your written apology, as does my publicist," she added.

Daily Mail reveals it doesn't understand statistics or language but is disgusted anyway

According to the Daily Mail, the number of under-14 year olds having an abortion has "soared" by 21%. Closer investigation reveals that the soaring 21% amounts to 18 individual children who, in 2007, chose not to become a parent while still a child themselves.

The Daily Mail's confusion is thought to have been caused by its hysteria about underage sex and teenage pregnancy combined with its debilitating fear of abortion which is generally thought to be quite effective in dealing with teenage and other unwanted pregnancies.

Muppet Desk: Lime in the Coconut

Mansion House speech: Chancellor warns City

Run.

Offenders must be more visible - Report

Story.

Ireland sends a clear message to the EU

Thanks for all the cash. Now feck off.

Question mark over David Davis resignation strategy

Story.

Pig wears wellies

Last summer he was not expected to survive, but now a little runt called Dave (left of picture) is wallowing in the mud in his own pair of designer wellies. His owner is delighted with the little runt's progress. "He's an absolute swine," he said last night proudly. "We love him."

Tory recruitment drive declared a success

Story.

Anger at bidding war over Angelina Jolie pictures

There was disappointment and anger at celebrity magazine OK! as it was discovered that despite bidding $15 million for exclusive rights to the eagerly awaited twin babies expected by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, the magazine will not actually get to keep the babies.

"We feel very let down" said one OK! insider, "I bet Lindsay Lohan would have let us keep them".

You've got mail! You're doomed!

Worried your loved ones won't get the hint when you are Raptured?

Worry no more. Send them an email from Heaven.


H/t: Hit & Run.

Paranormal World: Latest News

Alien peers through window.

Yeti photo-fit released.

Jacqui Smith to be next Prime Minister.

RIP Desk: Harvey Korman

More Korman here.

Queen makes ironic joke at own expense

Full story.

Instant Karma's gonna get you

The complexities of Sharon Stone.

Blow to creationists as intelligent designer revealed

Mmmmm. Story.

The hidden dangers of Britain's Got Talent

'One day scientists will genetically create a DOG speaking like the one in Man in Black movie. They will be compared to mankind.
IT IS HELL ON EARTH, PEOPLE!!! WAKE UP, OPEN YOUR MIND, WOMEN ARE ALREADY EQUAL TO MEN, NEXT STOP IS ANIMALS EQUAL TO WOMEN, which means to MEN, WHAT A SHAME!!'

News hound.

Brown shrugs off by-election loss

Details.

Anti-Scientology protestor arrested for poor grasp of spelling

Story.


What a silly cult:



h/t B&W

David Cameron: Fuck science

Conservative leader David Cameron last night defied scientific evidence to vote for the upper limit for abortions to be lowered to 20 weeks. The Commons threw out the proposals and other restrictions tabled by the pro-life camp, but Cameron surprised the House with his intervention: "Fuck science," he said. "Aaaaah, it's a lickle-ickle baby," he added.

Clinton campaign says wait until November

Advisers for presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton say she will not withdraw from the Democratic nomination race until November at the earliest, despite a Denver party convention date in August and rival Barack Obama holding a practically unassailable lead in delegates. "Even a majority at the convention doesn't mean a nominee is chosen," campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe told reporters, before passing out a copy of Democratic convention rules that appeared to have been hastily written on a cocktail napkin. "Go on, read it. It's all there." Trouble looms for Clinton as rival Barack Obama is expected to reach a majority of pledged delegates in the Oregon and Kentucky primaries today. But the Clinton campaign says it is pinning hopes for a comeback on a previously little-known group of "super-duper" delegates, which consists of former two-term Democratic presidents. President Bill Clinton is looking forward to being vigorously courted.

Monarch greets loyal subjects

Full story.

Great extinction underway, say scientists

Between a quarter and a third of the world's annoying bastards will be made extinct at the next general election, according to data compiled by the Zoological Society of London. "You'd have to go back to the extinction of the dinosaurs in 1997 to see a decline as rapid as this," says Jonathan Loh, editor of the report.

Brown relaunch gets mixed reaction

Story.

John Edwards endorses self for vice president

Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards tonight ended months of speculation in Washington by endorsing himself for vice president. Speaking to reporters, Edwards explained his decision. "I have thought long and hard and I firmly believe that by throwing support behind myself I am backing the right man for the job."

The wolves are unimpressed

I have of late - but
wherefore I know not - lost all my mirth, forgone all

custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily

with my disposition that this goodly frame, the

earth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most

excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave

o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted

with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to

me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.

What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason!

how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how

express and admirable! in action how like an angel!

in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the

world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me,

what is this quintessence of dust?

. .

Cameron, Osborne: We are ready to move into Downing street

More.

Man seeks cure for months of hiccups

Story here

Doctors suggest a horrible shock might help.

Brown 'relaxed' over Scottish independence move

More.

Franco's secret philanthropy revealed

Story.

Music Desk: Sergio Mendes, Day Tripper

More Sergio here.

Mervyn King forecasts good news - banks panic and run around shrieking

There were fears of financial meltdown yesterday as bankers finally lost all reason and became hysterical at the revelation that the Bank of England had assessed the losses from the credit crunch as less than previously feared.
City traders took to the streets, wailing and tearing at their clothes, apparently driven to insanity at the news that the whole thing was containable. Psychologists diagnosed severe neurosis and attention seeking disorder.