Monday, 30 July 2007

Holidaymaker: My shark terror

Horrified holidaymaker Dave Cameron was enjoying a peaceful ferry trip to Brittany with his family this week when he spotted sharks circling around the boat. The shaken father of three said: “You could see the fins just like Jaws as they swam through the water. It was absolutely terrifying.” Experts have confirmed it could well be the second sighting of deadly great white sharks prowling around Mr Cameron's waters in recent days.

Sunday, 29 July 2007

Friday, 27 July 2007

Taser device for women available in four different colours including pink

Electrocute your attackers whilst retaining your femininity. As featured in the New York Times. Fashion & Style section, naturally.

Thursday, 26 July 2007

Vatican: strong evidence for evolution

The Vatican has admitted that there is strong evidence that the Pope evolved from a Nazi. The Pontiff, speaking as he was concluding his holiday in northern Italy, was talking about the evolution debate raging across the world. “This clash is an absurdity,” said the Pope. “They are presented as alternatives that exclude each other.”

Tour de France doping shock

The world of cycling was stunned yesterday when Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen was thrown out of the race for missing drug tests and lying about his whereabouts. "We are shocked," said a fellow competitor. "We have to cycle up the Pyrenees for fuck's sake. How do you expect us to do that if we're not hopped up on goofballs?"

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

Monday, 23 July 2007

David Cameron remains confident of election victory

David Cameron, leader of David Cameron's Conservatives, today shrugged off whispers about his leadership and last week's poor by-election results, claiming that his party remained on course for victory at the next general election. Speaking during his foreign aid trip to Rwanda, David Cameron dismissed calls for a change in style. "David Cameron is very clear about the job that David Cameron has to do," said David Cameron this afternoon. "David Cameron's David Cameron will not be distracted from providing a compelling alternative to this Government," David Cameron added.

Thursday, 19 July 2007

BBC: We got it wrong

The BBC has launched a major investigation after the corporation was forced to admit yesterday that it had broadcast programmes presented by Eamonn Holmes, Richard Bacon, Natasha Kaplinsky, Rosie Millard and Donal McIntyre. Director-General Mark Thompson admitted that viewers had every right to be angry. "I am appalled at these serious lapses," he said. "These unspeakable, vacuous, bumptious people have cast a shadow over the integrity of the BBC. And don't get me started on that gurning twat from Ready Steady Cook."

Tuesday, 17 July 2007

Galloway: my Saddam shame

George Galloway MP, has shocked his supporters by revealing that he personally took no bribes at all from Saddam Hussein during the 1990s. Galloway made the astonishing claim in response to the news today that he faces suspension from the House of Commons for failing to disclose that his Mariam Appeal had received money from the Iraqi government.
"It's true," he said, "all that stuff about saluting Saddam's indefatigability, I meant it. I loved the guy. The fascism, the genocide, the cigar, the moustache. I said it for free. Sure the Mariam Appeal got a few quid but me, didn't take a bean. I'm so sorry."
A member of Respect, Galloway's party, said, "I'm horrified. I presumed all the fawning and scraping before Saddam and his psychotic sons was because he was on the take."
Galloway is believed also to be in receipt of no money at all from President Assad of Syria in return for recent fulsome praise.

More here:

Poverty increasing - study

A study published today reveals that the gap between tory ambition and tory resources is greater than at any time during the last forty years. Poverty of talent is particularly acute amongst the drug riddled Etonite enclaves of west London.

Monday, 16 July 2007

Kangaroos lived in the Middle East says resourceful creationist

Kangaroos hopped off the Ark at Mount Ararat and hopped all the way to Australia, says creationist Dr. Richard Paley. He concedes, however, that there is still no explanation for Mel Gibson.

Sunday, 15 July 2007

London man: my internet shame

A court has heard how a London man was arrested after he admitted to police that he had not joined any social networking sites whatsoever. David Burns, a lawyer, claims he couldn't bring himself to join Facebook or My Space saying he already had enough things to feel insecure and unhappy about in life. Burns, 41, denies any wrongdoing. The trial continues.
In other news: Facebook is CIA tool.

Thursday, 12 July 2007

Queen storms out

The Queen yesterday abdicated the throne, admitting the institution of the monarchy was as offensive as it was absurd.

Tuesday, 10 July 2007

All Four Types of Music - Part Four

Garlic 'may cut tory flatulence'

Scientists believe that putting garlic in Iain Duncan Smith's food could cut the amount of gas produced by tories by up to fifty per cent. Experts tackling the impact flatulent tories have on global warming claim that the former Conservative leader, whose proposals to combat social and familial breakdown in Britain have been condemned, is responsible for about three per cent of Britain's greenhouse gases.

Mott The Hoople: All the Young Dudes

Your key to those hard-to-remember terror logos

Monday, 9 July 2007

Le Tour de France

Robert Delaunay
Homage to Bleriot

Flood rescue package condemned as inadequate

The response to regional flooding has come under fire from animal leaders after the latest package of aid measures was announced. A controversial 'two by two' scheme, to be administered by Noah, recently appointed as part of God's inclusive 'Creation of all the talents', has been condemned as 'insulting' by victims of the flooding. "Just because this has all happened up here in Hull and Sheffield we are supposed to be grateful," said one angry canine. "But if this had happened in Westminster or Canterbury you can be sure that every pair of animals would have had their own bloody Ark, and a lifetime's supply of Pedigree Chum on top of that."

Friday, 6 July 2007

Dead pop stars: latest news

John Lennon still popular.

Tupac Shakur faked own death, due to return tomorrow.
Genesis play Live Earth.

94% of the galaxy is dark matter

According to scientists who have calculated the Milky Way's mass and weight, 94% of the galaxy is made up of mysterious 'dark matter'. This figure is believed to have increased significantly since Gordon Brown became prime minister last week.

Wednesday, 4 July 2007

Guardian's Comment is Free section found dead in bath

The death has been announced of the Guardian newspaper website Comment is Free. The site was discovered last night in the bath, a revolver and an empty gin bottle by its side. Although police have ruled out foul play, some former contributors to the site are suspicious. "I think you are naive if you believe the official line on this," said one man who posted regularly on the site. "I'd be very surprised if Tony Bliar and his war-mongering zionist friends were not directly behind this latest atrocity."

New evidence emerges in evolution debate

(Click on picture)

Respect Party not aware of terror attacks, claims to have been under the weather

A spokesman for Respect has apologised for the failure to condemn last week's terror attacks in London and Glasgow on the party's official website, claiming that they had not been aware of the attempted bombings. "To be honest, we've all had a touch of flu," he said. Asked why party leader George Galloway has not referred to the events on his website either, the spokesman added, "George has not had time to update his site as he has been exceptionally busy admiring his new salt-and-pepper beard."

Monday, 2 July 2007

Shadow cabinet surprise as Austrian nun replaces Willetts in schools role

(Photo shows, l to r, Shadow Education Spokesman Maria von Trapp, Conservative leader David Cameron and Shadow Chancellor George Osborne.)

Heracles brushes a mosquito from his face

Bullingdon Clubbers