London Mayor latest: Boris Johnson core vote out in force

Austria hires consultant to restore battered reputation

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Hannah Montana photos provoke outrage

Vanity Fair's decision to publish outrageously revealing photos of 15 year old Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus has outraged British newspapers. Full story (complete with outrageous photos) here, here, here and here.

Man advertises for pals

A lonely father of two has put an advert in his local post office window asking for someone with similar interests or background to accompany him twice a week for a couple of hours. Gordon Brown, a 57 year old retired socialist, has not been inundated with offers so far.

Liz Hurley wears dress

Liz Hurley last night wore a dress - more than a decade after she attended the premiere of Four Weddings And A Funeral wearing THAT Dress designed by Gianni Versace. Versace later died from THAT Gaping Shotgun Wound To The Back Of The Head.

Jazzman alights at Mornington Crescent

Sylvester Stallone cryonically frozen in case Wesley Snipes escapes

Story here.

London Mayor election: Boris Johnson to set up fund to help disadvantaged youngsters

Story.

Ghoulish Clinton wins big in Transylvania

(from unbiased US media reports) Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign continues to cling unnaturally onto life after scoring a major political victory in the key undead state of Transylvania, according to a cross-section of unbiased US media reports. An army of zombie voters was called from its unholy sleep to deliver a 10-point margin of victory for the New York senator, reported CNBC's Chris Matthews, leaving Barack Obama unable to deliver a heroic knock-out blow in the race for the Democratic party presidential nomination. "Far from putting a stake through her cold, inhuman heart, the spirits of the damned have given the Clinton campaign a new lease on unlife," complained a New York Times editorial. "Why won't she die?" wailed Democratic party chairman Howard Dean, while putting garlic round the windows of the Denver arena where the party national convention will be held in August. The large victory margin was confirmed by Sesame Street's Count von Count, who read out the vote tallies one-by-one.

George Galloway in assault complaint

Londoners are today complaining that George Galloway's assault on political integrity, judgement and truth is set to continue when he stands for election to the London Assembly on 1st May.

Schmucks for Tibet hold rally

Via.

High spirits blamed for Princes' latest night out

Story.

Obama denies dandruff problem

Story.

Jay-Z

Octopus plans for world domination further advanced than thought

Sex.

Food.

Betjeman's Pattie Boyd dies

Miss Joan Hunter Dunn dies aged 92.

Obituary

George W Bush extends warm welcome to Gordon Brown at the White House

No.10 blames 'poisonous' briefings as woes mount up

Downing Street has moved swiftly to dismiss speculation about a possible leadership challenge, blaming the prime minister's current problems on vicious briefings emanating from embittered former chancellor Gordon Brown. Brown is said to nurse a grudge against himself after he failed to honour a deal made several years ago, the details of which are long-forgotten in the internecine feuding of New Labour. A defiant Gordon Brown yesterday insisted he would not hound himself out of Downing Street.

Minister realises he's not a Labour supporter - but takes the cash anyway

Digby Jones – former CBI chief - revealed his utter confusion today as he confessed that he needed to stand down from Government before the next election because he did not want to align himself politically with Gordon Brown.

Lord Jones of Birmingham, as he is now known, appears to have taken the job of Trade Minister in the Brown government out of vanity, forgetting that he had absolutely no common cause with the Labour project, opposed the establishment of the minimum wage, was dismissive of the value of public sector workers and was sceptical about Britain’s membership of the EU.

Lord Jones has a history of this sort of behaviour. His agreement to appear on Desert Island Discs despite demonstrating absolutely no knowledge of or interest in music left the listening public aghast. His choices, which included Tina Turner’s Simply The Best (“Because when I was at KPMG we were ‘Simply The Best’”) and Bryan Adams’ (Everything I do) I Do It For You (“Because everything I do, I do for my wife”) were thought to be among the worst ever featured.
Lord Jones is frequently described as an industry leader although the industry in question is not clear.

Travel guide insists contributor did visit 'Lonely Planet'

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy editor Zarniwoop insists that long-time contributor Ford Prefect did visit Earth, and that his entry on the subject was not made up. Earth, a lonely planet orbiting a small, unregarded yellow Sun in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy, is described as "mostly harmless" in the latest edition of the popular interstellar travel guide, leading to accusations that the contributor could not be arsed. "He actually wrote loads of stuff about going to South America, dealing drugs and having casual sex in restaurants," Zarniwoop said. "But we edited it down to just two words because travel writers are tedious types, and it was just more plausible." Asked about any future career Prefect has with the Hitchhiker's Guide, Zarniwoop simply commented "Ford's just this guy, you know."

Italy votes! Again!

Italians queued yesterday and today to vote in the country's latest general election, which will decide Italy's parliament and prime minister. The new government will be the country's 62nd in 63 years. To save time, voters are permitted to vote for the next three governments all in one go, which will cover the period up to May 2011. Election officials claimed that the move would bring much-needed political stability, and allow Italy's 158 political parties to plan their vote-buying in advance. The centre-left candidate and former mayor of Rome, Walter Veltroni, said today he was confident of victory, although opinion polls put his challenger, Silvio Berlusconi, ahead. Berlusconi, former prime minister, leader of the centre-right coalition and Italy's richest buffoon, responded by lighting one of his own farts.

Dangerous cake trade driven underground

Battenburg cake is to be declared illegal, it was announced today. Distraught pensioners were seen stockpiling the marzipanned favourite amid fears that the trade in the product will be driven underground. Already London's criminal gangs are thought to be moving in to control supply of the substance with drugs warlord Mr Kipling at the centre of the trade.

Argument to Beethoven's 5th

Olympic Torch relay a great success - official

People along the Torch Relay route have extended the flame a warm welcome and the relay is proceeding successfully as planned.......more than one thousand Londoners from all walks of life participated in the launching ceremony of the London leg of the Torch Relay. London artists gave brilliant performances amid snow; passionate crowds lined the relay route.....Local people in London strongly opposed the attempt to sabotage the Torch Relay. And the behavior of "pro-Tibet independence" activists has aroused resentment and received condemnation in London.

Press release on the worldwide Beijing Olympic Torch Relay.

Day by day and almost minute by minute the past was brought up to date. In this way every prediction made by the Party could be shown by documentary evidence to have been correct; nor was any item of news, or any expression of opinion, which conflicted with the needs of the moment, ever allowed to remain on record. All history was a palimpsest, scraped clean and reinscribed exactly as often as was necessary.

George Orwell, 1984

Diana inquest verdict: murdered by Prince Philip*

The inquest into the death of Princess Diana has delivered the widely-anticipated verdict that a pregnant Princess Diana and her fiance Dodi Fayed were murdered by MI6 under the instructions of Prince Philip. The jury found that the Royal Family, incensed by the prospect of a Muslim stepfather to the future King of Great Britain, instructed MI6 to assassinate the couple. MI6 carried out the murder, utilising a strobe light in the Alma Tunnel in Paris, with a secret agent driving a white Fiat Uno into the couple's Mercedes limousine. Police said they would now arrest Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip and other senior members of the Royal Family and charge them with murder. Until the extent of the knowledge of the Royal conspiracy can be known, a Regent will be appointed as Head of State. MI6 will be disbanded and the entire Government will be arrested.

*Of course not. You idiots.

Farce as flame extinguished

There were farcical scenes today as the century old flame of working class representation was finally extinguished. Speaking to Labour leader Gordon Brown about the rise in income tax for five million low-paid workers, former leader Keir Hardie was quoted as saying: "Ah cannae be arsed wi' this, git oot o' ma face ya wee bawbag".

Shock revelation over Clinton campaign co-ordinator

Commentators have been shocked to discover that Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign had a co-ordinator, after Mark Penn resigned from the role over the weekend. Penn, a freelance political strategist who has apparently been advising the Clintons since the 1990s, stepped down after it was revealed he had met the Colombian ambassador to discuss a free-trade pact that Clinton opposes. "Wow," said visibly surprised New York Times political reporter John Broder. "You mean all that lurching from crisis to crisis, and ceding a seemingly unassailable lead in the polls to Obama was planned?" "You know, you see a campaign reacting to headlines and making gaffe after gaffe without any semblance of purpose," added Wall Street Journal reporter Jackie Calmes. "I guess I was just unaware it was co-ordinated at all." Penn refused to comment on the resignation, but said that his next venture will be co-ordinating alcoholic drinking strategies at US breweries.

Look on my Works ye Mighty, and despair!

Story.

America fought them on the beaches, apparently

Contrary to popular belief, it emerged today that America was in fact entirely responsible for the D Day Landings in 1944 which led to the liberation of France and ultimately, the beginning of the end of World War Two.

This new fact emerged from from Al Gore's Alliance for Climate Protection which broadcast a stirring advert, intended for US consumption, citing the single-handed storming of the Normandy beaches as evidence of American leadership.

The advert's vigorous approach to history continues with the claim that America led the world on civil rights - again surprising given America's history of segregation and Dr Martin Luther King's long and arduous campaign to win equal rights for black Americans.

The ad, narrated by noted historian William H Macy, goes on to suggest that it is in fact America which is leading the charge on tackling climate charge - a daring challenge to the commonly held belief that the rest of the world has been waiting for America to commit to the Kyoto requirements on climate change since 1997.

Churchill and Martin Luther King were both reported to be nonplussed at these startling claims. "The moon landings I'll give them. But the Normandy beaches? Fuck that" said Churchill today.

Embarrassment as Livingstone's secret family expands

Story.

London Mayor election: Boris Johnson unveils campaign team

Mosley faces criticism over 'Nazi' claim

"The trouble with you, Spode, is that just because you have succeeded in inducing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the London scene by going about in black shorts, you think you're someone. You hear them shouting "Heil, Spode!" and you imagine it is the Voice of the People. That is where you make your bloomer.

What the Voice of the People is saying is: 'Look at that frightful ass Spode swanking about in footer bags! Did you ever in your puff see such a perfect perisher?' "

Bertie Wooster to Roderick Spode, The Code of the Woosters, P. G. Wodehouse

McCain calls on Obama, Clinton to concede bitter election contest

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain is calling for Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton to heal the divisions within their party and the country by stepping down in their bids to secure the Democratic nomination. "A once-proud Democratic party is demeaning itself through this protracted and bitter nomination process," McCain told reporters on the campaign trail in Florida. "For the sake of dignity in politics and unity throughout our great nation, Barack and Hillary should do the decent thing and concede the race." McCain added that he would rather stand unopposed in the November run-off than see further division damage the Democrats' election chances.

Zimbabwe election latest: Mugabe core vote out in force

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Fury as baggage continues to pile up

Boris Johnson's political baggage is piled so high that experts predict his bid to become London mayor may topple at any moment. Meanwhile London voters, sickened at the prospect of the adulterous, racist associate of criminals becoming mayor, are heading for Heathrow's new Terminal 5 in their thousands.

Brothers Grimm consult lawyers over slur

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Breaking news: False Leg Desk

Story about false legs, giant squids, the lot.

Here.

Britain falls for Mme Sarkozy's charm, breasts

Full story.

Louis Prima, Just A Gigolo

Women responsible for male drug abuse, suicide and adultery - the bitches

The Evening Standard today plumbed new depths of misogyny and idiocy with its publication of Nirpal Dhaliwal's claim to "understand" the death of Jason Rae - the husband of Corinne Bailey Rae. Dhaliwal argued that the death - from a drugs overdose - probably reflected Mr Rae's feelings about Corinne Bailey Rae's successful career. Dhaliwal told readers that he too had been married to a successful woman and had been so upset by her success that he had been driven to adultery.

Women forced to read Dhaliwal's self-indulgent drivel are thought to have experienced nausea and an urgent need for alcohol. At least one female reader reported experiencing homicidal thoughts.

French, UK leaders enjoy time with less popular politician

As a state summit takes place between their two countries, French president Nicolas Sarkozy and UK prime minister Gordon Brown both admit that they are happy to spend time with a foreign politician who is less popular than themselves. Sarkozy, who has drawn flak at home for his perceived lack of dignity in the office of president after marrying former fashion model Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, has been looking forward to appearing side-by-side with the UK prime minister. Brown, whose Labour government has struggled in opinion polls since he took over from Tony Blair, has similarly been enjoying appearing statesmanlike next to a man that the French media has dubbed "Président Bling-Bling". "Thank God I'm not in his position," read a joint communiqué today.

Clinton unveils new campaign team

Story.

Hybrid creatures round on Catholic Church

A coalition of Greek mythological creatures has written to every MP urging them to back the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill, which will allow the creation of part-human, part-animal embryos. At the weekend Scottish Cardinal Keith O'Brien said the bill would allow "grotesque procedures" which would "attack the sanctity and dignity of human life," but the Minotaur today criticised the church's stance on the issue. "Some people say that these Cardinals are potential human beings and should be treated with respect, but we cannot agree with that," said the half man, half bull. "Without this sort of scientific breakthrough we would have had no Sphinx, no Siren, no Centaur," he added. "And would the cruel church really wish to deny the Satyr his boundless, immortal erection?"

Nadine Dorries, cui bono?

No clear answer here.

Breaking news - Presidential candidates have dates of birth and passport numbers

The revelation that bored US passport officials looked at the passport details of the Presidential candidates was greeted with huge relief today.
News editors, struggling to fill bulletins with their seasonal standbys "Thousands head for the sun as cold snap hits UK" and "Easter getaway causes travel chaos", were delighted by the story which, although completely boring, gave the impression of being news.

Easter celebrations begin around the world

Story here.

Chapeau to Monsieur Millar

Olly adds:

More Holy news.

(Hallelujahs: Will)

McCain impulsively threatens critics over 'hothead' accusations

Republican presidential candidate John McCain has promised massive and disproportionate revenge against anyone who accuses him of being a hothead. "I will follow [them] to the gates of hell and I will shoot [them]," the Arizona senator vowed. McCain has drawn fire before for his volcanic temperament, for using obscene swear words at fellow lawmakers on several occasions, and for joking about bombing Iran. But the senator insists the criticisms are overdone, and pledges to kick the shit out of any of the "fucking jerks" who repeat them. "Fuck you," he added. McCain is currently on a tour of the Middle East to show off his statesmanlike credentials.

Global financial system "fucked" says Fed Chairman

"We are absolutely fucked," said US Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today, after the United States' 5th largest investment bank, Bear Stearns, was bought by JP Morgan for two chocolate cupcakes and some sprinkles, interest rates were slashed again, the dollar plunged and panic spread through financial markets worldwide. "You have no idea," Bernanke added, "how fucked we are. I'm fucked, you're fucked, we're all fucked. No-one knows what kind of shit they've bought, or sold, or have been landed with. Fuck this. You want rate cuts? YOU WANT RATE CUTS?! I'LL GIVE YOU FUCKING RATE CUTS!"

The Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King, did not share his US counterpart's optimism. "Oh my fucking god," he said today. "We haven't got a fucking clue. Any of us. It's all built on shit that's sinking fast. It's quicksand. Quickshit. Whatever. Fuck."

Heather: Paul has favourable press

Gold-digger Lady Mucca Mills-McCartney today falsely claimed that coverage of her divorce battle has been biased in favour of former husband Paul McCartney. Sir Paul, pictured, is maintaining a perfect, divine silence on the matter.

Hoax, or hostile act by the masonic overlords that seek to rule every aspect of our existence?

London Eye's Illuminati link to Great Pyramid of Cheops revealed.

Nation shocked by discovery of latest appalling family

Full appalling story, by our appalling families who are not like us and deserve whatever appalling thing they get correspondent.

Dunce Desk

Republicans.

Bishops.

Romantics.

Hillary goes on attack with 3am phone call ad.

"It's 3am and your cows are asleep," the voice over says. "There's a phone in the White House, and it's ringing. Something is happening in the world. Your vote will decide who milks the cows."

Pupils should kneel before Zod

School pupils should "kneel before Zod" to encourage feelings of belonging and citizenship, recently retired attorney general Lex Luthor told the BBC's Today programme. Bowing before the exiled Kryptonian supervillain would foster a sense of communal pride and citizenship, says Luthor. Critics say that General Zod is a poor symbol on which to base a national unity drive. "As an unelected alien overlord with superpowers, Zod does not represent the experience of the majority of UK citizens," says Labour peer Baroness Kennedy. But Luthor believes that Zod — who has been a merciless oppressor since being accidentally freed from his deep-space Phantom Zone prison — can be a unifying force in UK national life. "I mean, it's no less ridiculous than pledging allegiance to a hereditary monarch from a German background."

I see a role for Mandelson says Brown as feud ends

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