NHS Headline mix-up

A slightly deaf patient was left devastated today by a misheard headline. "I was listening to a story about patients rating hospitals and thought it was just a load of old bollocks about postcodes, rights, dashboards and the quaint idea that people like me have got the first clue about quality of service," he said this afternoon. "I might be really thick but I reckon it will probably just make them see me quickly and rush me through rather than thinking about what's wrong with me," he added. "Then I heard that headline and thought, that's a service I would rate. But no. Typical bloody NHS, it's never about Joe Bloody Bloggs."

Man sells off whole life

Full story.

Queen broke shock

The Queen is so strapped for cash she plans to set up premium rate 'Dial-a-Royal' phone lines to boost her coffers. Phone companies fear they will collapse under the strain of demand and a busy operator reported that the most popular question was likely to be "how much for your corgis?" Prince Philip, likely to be besieged by S & M fetishists begging to be abused, is not taking part. Al Fayed's number is barred.

Mandela concert: Brian May steers small talk away from Sun City

"Look, a squirrel!"

Crackpot to stand in by-election

Crackpot conspiracy theorist David Davis has unexpectedly thrown his hat into the ring to fight the Haltemprice and Howden by-election against David Icke. Davis, a proponent of the death penalty for terrorism suspects, believes that the world is ruled by a reptilian secret group called the "Global Elite" or "Etonati."

Next Bond villain predicts Christ will return as Muslim

Full story.

Boris Johnson appoints new race adviser

Story.

RIP Desk: George Carlin

Carlin's blue label.

Shami Chakrabarti: Publicity is a fundamental human right

Liberty director Shami Chakrabarti has criticised what she describes as the alarming erosion of her right to publicity. "I am deeply shocked by your failure to print any gushing profile of me whatsoever since yesterday," she wrote in a letter to newspaper editors today. "I look forward to your written apology, as does my publicist," she added.

Daily Mail reveals it doesn't understand statistics or language but is disgusted anyway

According to the Daily Mail, the number of under-14 year olds having an abortion has "soared" by 21%. Closer investigation reveals that the soaring 21% amounts to 18 individual children who, in 2007, chose not to become a parent while still a child themselves.

The Daily Mail's confusion is thought to have been caused by its hysteria about underage sex and teenage pregnancy combined with its debilitating fear of abortion which is generally thought to be quite effective in dealing with teenage and other unwanted pregnancies.

Muppet Desk: Lime in the Coconut

Mansion House speech: Chancellor warns City

Run.

Offenders must be more visible - Report

Story.

Ireland sends a clear message to the EU

Thanks for all the cash. Now feck off.

Question mark over David Davis resignation strategy

Story.

Pig wears wellies

Last summer he was not expected to survive, but now a little runt called Dave (left of picture) is wallowing in the mud in his own pair of designer wellies. His owner is delighted with the little runt's progress. "He's an absolute swine," he said last night proudly. "We love him."

Tory recruitment drive declared a success

Story.

Anger at bidding war over Angelina Jolie pictures

There was disappointment and anger at celebrity magazine OK! as it was discovered that despite bidding $15 million for exclusive rights to the eagerly awaited twin babies expected by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, the magazine will not actually get to keep the babies.

"We feel very let down" said one OK! insider, "I bet Lindsay Lohan would have let us keep them".

You've got mail! You're doomed!

Worried your loved ones won't get the hint when you are Raptured?

Worry no more. Send them an email from Heaven.


H/t: Hit & Run.

Paranormal World: Latest News

Alien peers through window.

Yeti photo-fit released.

Jacqui Smith to be next Prime Minister.

RIP Desk: Harvey Korman

More Korman here.

Queen makes ironic joke at own expense

Full story.

Instant Karma's gonna get you

The complexities of Sharon Stone.

Blow to creationists as intelligent designer revealed

Mmmmm. Story.

The hidden dangers of Britain's Got Talent

'One day scientists will genetically create a DOG speaking like the one in Man in Black movie. They will be compared to mankind.
IT IS HELL ON EARTH, PEOPLE!!! WAKE UP, OPEN YOUR MIND, WOMEN ARE ALREADY EQUAL TO MEN, NEXT STOP IS ANIMALS EQUAL TO WOMEN, which means to MEN, WHAT A SHAME!!'

News hound.

Brown shrugs off by-election loss

Details.

Anti-Scientology protestor arrested for poor grasp of spelling

Story.


What a silly cult:



h/t B&W

David Cameron: Fuck science

Conservative leader David Cameron last night defied scientific evidence to vote for the upper limit for abortions to be lowered to 20 weeks. The Commons threw out the proposals and other restrictions tabled by the pro-life camp, but Cameron surprised the House with his intervention: "Fuck science," he said. "Aaaaah, it's a lickle-ickle baby," he added.

Clinton campaign says wait until November

Advisers for presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton say she will not withdraw from the Democratic nomination race until November at the earliest, despite a Denver party convention date in August and rival Barack Obama holding a practically unassailable lead in delegates. "Even a majority at the convention doesn't mean a nominee is chosen," campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe told reporters, before passing out a copy of Democratic convention rules that appeared to have been hastily written on a cocktail napkin. "Go on, read it. It's all there." Trouble looms for Clinton as rival Barack Obama is expected to reach a majority of pledged delegates in the Oregon and Kentucky primaries today. But the Clinton campaign says it is pinning hopes for a comeback on a previously little-known group of "super-duper" delegates, which consists of former two-term Democratic presidents. President Bill Clinton is looking forward to being vigorously courted.

Monarch greets loyal subjects

Full story.

Great extinction underway, say scientists

Between a quarter and a third of the world's annoying bastards will be made extinct at the next general election, according to data compiled by the Zoological Society of London. "You'd have to go back to the extinction of the dinosaurs in 1997 to see a decline as rapid as this," says Jonathan Loh, editor of the report.

Brown relaunch gets mixed reaction

Story.

John Edwards endorses self for vice president

Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards tonight ended months of speculation in Washington by endorsing himself for vice president. Speaking to reporters, Edwards explained his decision. "I have thought long and hard and I firmly believe that by throwing support behind myself I am backing the right man for the job."

The wolves are unimpressed

I have of late - but
wherefore I know not - lost all my mirth, forgone all

custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily

with my disposition that this goodly frame, the

earth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most

excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave

o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted

with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to

me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.

What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason!

how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how

express and admirable! in action how like an angel!

in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the

world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me,

what is this quintessence of dust?

. .

Cameron, Osborne: We are ready to move into Downing street

More.

Man seeks cure for months of hiccups

Story here

Doctors suggest a horrible shock might help.

Brown 'relaxed' over Scottish independence move

More.

Franco's secret philanthropy revealed

Story.

Music Desk: Sergio Mendes, Day Tripper

More Sergio here.

Mervyn King forecasts good news - banks panic and run around shrieking

There were fears of financial meltdown yesterday as bankers finally lost all reason and became hysterical at the revelation that the Bank of England had assessed the losses from the credit crunch as less than previously feared.
City traders took to the streets, wailing and tearing at their clothes, apparently driven to insanity at the news that the whole thing was containable. Psychologists diagnosed severe neurosis and attention seeking disorder.

London Mayor latest: Boris Johnson core vote out in force

Austria hires consultant to restore battered reputation

More.

Hannah Montana photos provoke outrage

Vanity Fair's decision to publish outrageously revealing photos of 15 year old Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus has outraged British newspapers. Full story (complete with outrageous photos) here, here, here and here.

Man advertises for pals

A lonely father of two has put an advert in his local post office window asking for someone with similar interests or background to accompany him twice a week for a couple of hours. Gordon Brown, a 57 year old retired socialist, has not been inundated with offers so far.

Liz Hurley wears dress

Liz Hurley last night wore a dress - more than a decade after she attended the premiere of Four Weddings And A Funeral wearing THAT Dress designed by Gianni Versace. Versace later died from THAT Gaping Shotgun Wound To The Back Of The Head.

Jazzman alights at Mornington Crescent

Sylvester Stallone cryonically frozen in case Wesley Snipes escapes

Story here.

London Mayor election: Boris Johnson to set up fund to help disadvantaged youngsters

Story.

Ghoulish Clinton wins big in Transylvania

(from unbiased US media reports) Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign continues to cling unnaturally onto life after scoring a major political victory in the key undead state of Transylvania, according to a cross-section of unbiased US media reports. An army of zombie voters was called from its unholy sleep to deliver a 10-point margin of victory for the New York senator, reported CNBC's Chris Matthews, leaving Barack Obama unable to deliver a heroic knock-out blow in the race for the Democratic party presidential nomination. "Far from putting a stake through her cold, inhuman heart, the spirits of the damned have given the Clinton campaign a new lease on unlife," complained a New York Times editorial. "Why won't she die?" wailed Democratic party chairman Howard Dean, while putting garlic round the windows of the Denver arena where the party national convention will be held in August. The large victory margin was confirmed by Sesame Street's Count von Count, who read out the vote tallies one-by-one.

George Galloway in assault complaint

Londoners are today complaining that George Galloway's assault on political integrity, judgement and truth is set to continue when he stands for election to the London Assembly on 1st May.

Schmucks for Tibet hold rally

Via.

High spirits blamed for Princes' latest night out

Story.

Obama denies dandruff problem

Story.

Jay-Z

Octopus plans for world domination further advanced than thought

Sex.

Food.

Betjeman's Pattie Boyd dies

Miss Joan Hunter Dunn dies aged 92.

Obituary

George W Bush extends warm welcome to Gordon Brown at the White House

No.10 blames 'poisonous' briefings as woes mount up

Downing Street has moved swiftly to dismiss speculation about a possible leadership challenge, blaming the prime minister's current problems on vicious briefings emanating from embittered former chancellor Gordon Brown. Brown is said to nurse a grudge against himself after he failed to honour a deal made several years ago, the details of which are long-forgotten in the internecine feuding of New Labour. A defiant Gordon Brown yesterday insisted he would not hound himself out of Downing Street.

Minister realises he's not a Labour supporter - but takes the cash anyway

Digby Jones – former CBI chief - revealed his utter confusion today as he confessed that he needed to stand down from Government before the next election because he did not want to align himself politically with Gordon Brown.

Lord Jones of Birmingham, as he is now known, appears to have taken the job of Trade Minister in the Brown government out of vanity, forgetting that he had absolutely no common cause with the Labour project, opposed the establishment of the minimum wage, was dismissive of the value of public sector workers and was sceptical about Britain’s membership of the EU.

Lord Jones has a history of this sort of behaviour. His agreement to appear on Desert Island Discs despite demonstrating absolutely no knowledge of or interest in music left the listening public aghast. His choices, which included Tina Turner’s Simply The Best (“Because when I was at KPMG we were ‘Simply The Best’”) and Bryan Adams’ (Everything I do) I Do It For You (“Because everything I do, I do for my wife”) were thought to be among the worst ever featured.
Lord Jones is frequently described as an industry leader although the industry in question is not clear.