Friday, 29 February 2008

Dunce Desk

Briton gives up on attempt to walk across the globe without a brain.

Thursday, 28 February 2008

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Boost for Obama as Farrakhan gives backing

Minister Louis Farrakhan has given his backing to democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama at the annual convention of the Nation of Islam. Farrakhan, speaking from a city-sized UFO known as the Mother Wheel, added: "At least Obama isn't a Jew."

Monday, 25 February 2008

Ralph Nader launches presidential attention campaign

US consumer activist Ralph Nader has announced he will run for President again, sparking fears among Democrats that his campaign could split their vote in November. Running under the slogan “Shut up, America, and listen to Ralph Nader” Nader says that the current election does not address the real issues facing the country, principally that there is not enough attention being paid to Ralph Nader. “For too long have the main establishment political parties framed the debate in narrow, non-Ralph Nader terms,” Nader told a press conference. “My campaign will speak for attention-seekers called Ralph Nader everywhere”. Critics blame Nader for siphoning off Democratic votes from Al Gore in the 2000 presidential campaign, allowing George Bush to win by a slender margin, and for accepting help from right-wing activists in his last campaign in 2004. But Nader dismissed the charges as irrelevant, because they mentioned people other than Ralph Nader.

Edith Piaf: La Vie En Rose

'Edith Piaf' wins Oscar.

Speaker Martin denies Air Miles misuse


Friday, 22 February 2008

Nation weeps for 'heartbroken' Anthea

Conspiracy Vault: Emmerdale plane crash - Jews “had prior warning”

More than a dozen Jewish farm workers stayed at home as a plane crashed into the sleepy Yorkshire village of Emmerdale in 1993, according to a new film released today. The 70 minute film, 'Emmerdale – the Israeli Connection', alleges that the workers had been tipped off by Israel's intelligence agency Mossad, and did not appear for work on the day of the horrific crash in which many villagers were killed or injured. One contributor to the programme says: “Is it any coincidence that some individuals made millions selling shares in kosher lamb that very day?” Meanwhile an Israeli government spokesman has dismissed the film’s claim that Israel's then prime minister Yitzhak Rabin cancelled a night out at the Woolpack only days before the attack.

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Government to nationalise Al Fayed

The Chancellor, Alastair Darling, has announced that urgent legislation will be put before the House of Commons to place Mohammed Al Fayed into public ownership. Darling defended the government's actions, saying, "the taxpayer already faces potential costs of up to £100bn as a result of reckless and irresponsible inquiries into conspiracy theories involving Prince Phillip, Nazis and MI6."

Economists are concerned that no one knows the true extent of the worthless claims, which have been packaged and sold around the world in recent years. In his evidence before the 5th Annual Inquest Into The Deaths Of Princess Diana And Dodi, Mr Fayed - whose real name ends with 'Frankenstein' - accused not only Tony Blair and Jack Straw, but French intelligence agents and the CIA, indicating that the crisis is moving from the sub-prime minister sector to the wider world.
The Chancellor rejected claims that the government should not be in the Fayed business. "He's a clown and a buffoon, with more money than sense. What's your point?"

Jimmy Savile exits stage, grows beard


Tuesday, 19 February 2008

A timely warning

Sunday, 17 February 2008

Nanny State debate rumbles on

Fury as Nanny State orders parents not to keep their own children in wire mesh cages.


Friday, 15 February 2008

Saudi court transcripts leaked

Saudi Arabia has sentenced a woman to death for witchcraft. Olly's Onions has exclusively obtained leaked court documents which detail the proceedings. Following are edited extracts.

Foreman of the jury: If… she weighs the same… as a duck… She's made out of wood…
Chief Judge: And therefore?
Foreman of the jury: (long pause)… A witch!
Jury members: Burn her! Burn her!

The full transcript can be read here.

Thursday, 14 February 2008

Ban this heartless event beg lonely singles

Valentine's Day misery broke out today as hundreds of lonely singles took to the streets to campaign for an end to the annual celebration which they argue excludes the sad and the single. Sickened by the proliferation of teddy bears with cute slogans and heart-shaped chocolates wrapped in pink foil, the lonesome campaigners demanded that something be done to halt the callous trade in giant padded cards from Clintons and garage-sourced red roses wrapped in cellophane.
"It's just so unfair" sobbed one protestor, "It's hard enough being single without having it rubbed in every Valentine's Day. Honestly, if I see another oversized bouquet of flowers delivered to the office today, I'm just going to kill myself".

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Gang of yobs remains undeterred

LOCAL NEWS: A gang of unpleasant snobs which has been hanging around the Westminster village for the last two years has refused to disperse despite the high pitched whining emitted by the Labour front bench. One villager complained: "These horrible tailcoat wearing aristocrats just hang around all day waiting for the next general election so they can smash the place up and make life totally unbearable for the rest of us."

New warning over inbreeding risks


Lifestyle journalist more knowledgeable than scientists - fact

The scientific establishment was rocked this week by the revelation that esteemed thinker India Knight - who has a sideline as a lifestyle journalist - doesn't "believe" in science. Ms Knight who specialises in writing about shopping, eating and her life in North London, dismissed a study of 5000 twins, which examined the relationship between environmental factors and genetic factors in causing obesity, on the basis that she doesn't "believe a word of it". This will come as a surprise to the properly qualified scientists at University College London whose work over several years was published this month in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.
India Knight is currently promoting the sale of her diet book. The diet book industry is likely to be damaged by the discovery that obesity has a major genetic factor, but this is not thought to have had any bearing on her views.

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Grand Mufti says CofE bake sales 'unavoidable'

The religious leader of the Sunni community in Saudi Arabia has come under fire for suggesting it is only a matter of time before Church of England parishioners can hold bake sales in the kingdom. "I can even envision a time when there might be day trips to the seaside to thank parish volunteers for their work over the year," said Grand Mufti Shaikh Aal ash-Shaikh. The Grand Mufti's speech has proved controversial in Saudi Arabia, where trying to convert a muslim to another religion is a capital crime. "Now it's tea with the vicar," said Medina resident Abdallah bin-Aziz. "What's next? Bingo evenings? Where does it end?" Shaikh Aal ash-Shaikh's spokesman later clarified that the Grand Mufti's remarks were, like the Archbishop of Canterbury's, meant only to initiate a debate about whether religious freedoms should be spread in Saudi Arabia. Religious police have not yet responded because they have been otherwise engaged in clamping down on the sale of Valentine's Day red roses.

God hits back in Sharia law row

Palace swept for bugs - inquest

The inquest into the deaths of Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed has heard how Princes Andrew and Edward were removed by security services after Buckingham Palace was swept for unwanted bugs. The hearing continues.

Saturday, 9 February 2008

Conspiracy vault: New evidence of lunar hoax

Internet chat boards have been buzzing for weeks with the emergence of new evidence that the moon landings were an elaborate hoax. Excited conspiracy theorists say that analysis of the television programme Lunar Jim, which chronicles the moon life of astronaut Jim and his team – Robot Dog Rover, Ripple, Eco, and T.E.D. the Technical Equipment Device - shows that the images apparently being beamed back to earth are staged, probably in the Nevada desert. Bill Kaysing, for many years a leading hoax theorist, says that Lunar Jim is yet more NASA funded propaganda. "If you look carefully you can see that Jim's flag flutters in a breeze - yet there is no air on the moon at all! Plus you couldn't have that cow and that chicken just walking around on the moon like that." A tight lipped CBeebies spokesman would confirm only that Lunar Jim is intended as "a children's cartoon."

Thursday, 7 February 2008

Knees Desk

The Daily Mail today unveiled a new knees policy with a greater emphasis on serious knees issues.
News: Kate Moss, Eva Longoria, Victoria Beckham, Angelina Jolie, Paris Hilton and Mischa Barton were all today confirmed to have joints connecting their femur, patella and tibia.

Fears over bugging proposals


Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Bullingdon Clubbers