Friday, 29 February 2008
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
Monday, 25 February 2008
US consumer activist Ralph Nader has announced he will run for President again, sparking fears among Democrats that his campaign could split their vote in November. Running under the slogan “Shut up, America, and listen to Ralph Nader” Nader says that the current election does not address the real issues facing the country, principally that there is not enough attention being paid to Ralph Nader. “For too long have the main establishment political parties framed the debate in narrow, non-Ralph Nader terms,” Nader told a press conference. “My campaign will speak for attention-seekers called Ralph Nader everywhere”. Critics blame Nader for siphoning off Democratic votes from Al Gore in the 2000 presidential campaign, allowing George Bush to win by a slender margin, and for accepting help from right-wing activists in his last campaign in 2004. But Nader dismissed the charges as irrelevant, because they mentioned people other than Ralph Nader.
Friday, 22 February 2008
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
The Chancellor, Alastair Darling, has announced that urgent legislation will be put before the House of Commons to place Mohammed Al Fayed into public ownership. Darling defended the government's actions, saying, "the taxpayer already faces potential costs of up to £100bn as a result of reckless and irresponsible inquiries into conspiracy theories involving Prince Phillip, Nazis and MI6."
Monday, 18 February 2008
Sunday, 17 February 2008
Friday, 15 February 2008
Saudi Arabia has sentenced a woman to death for witchcraft. Olly's Onions has exclusively obtained leaked court documents which detail the proceedings. Following are edited extracts.
Foreman of the jury: If… she weighs the same… as a duck… She's made out of wood…
Chief Judge: And therefore?
Foreman of the jury: (long pause)… A witch!
Jury members: Burn her! Burn her!
The full transcript can be read here.
Thursday, 14 February 2008
Valentine's Day misery broke out today as hundreds of lonely singles took to the streets to campaign for an end to the annual celebration which they argue excludes the sad and the single. Sickened by the proliferation of teddy bears with cute slogans and heart-shaped chocolates wrapped in pink foil, the lonesome campaigners demanded that something be done to halt the callous trade in giant padded cards from Clintons and garage-sourced red roses wrapped in cellophane.
"It's just so unfair" sobbed one protestor, "It's hard enough being single without having it rubbed in every Valentine's Day. Honestly, if I see another oversized bouquet of flowers delivered to the office today, I'm just going to kill myself".
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
The scientific establishment was rocked this week by the revelation that esteemed thinker India Knight - who has a sideline as a lifestyle journalist - doesn't "believe" in science. Ms Knight who specialises in writing about shopping, eating and her life in North London, dismissed a study of 5000 twins, which examined the relationship between environmental factors and genetic factors in causing obesity, on the basis that she doesn't "believe a word of it". This will come as a surprise to the properly qualified scientists at University College London whose work over several years was published this month in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.
India Knight is currently promoting the sale of her diet book. The diet book industry is likely to be damaged by the discovery that obesity has a major genetic factor, but this is not thought to have had any bearing on her views.
Tuesday, 12 February 2008
The religious leader of the Sunni community in Saudi Arabia has come under fire for suggesting it is only a matter of time before Church of England parishioners can hold bake sales in the kingdom. "I can even envision a time when there might be day trips to the seaside to thank parish volunteers for their work over the year," said Grand Mufti Shaikh Aal ash-Shaikh. The Grand Mufti's speech has proved controversial in Saudi Arabia, where trying to convert a muslim to another religion is a capital crime. "Now it's tea with the vicar," said Medina resident Abdallah bin-Aziz. "What's next? Bingo evenings? Where does it end?" Shaikh Aal ash-Shaikh's spokesman later clarified that the Grand Mufti's remarks were, like the Archbishop of Canterbury's, meant only to initiate a debate about whether religious freedoms should be spread in Saudi Arabia. Religious police have not yet responded because they have been otherwise engaged in clamping down on the sale of Valentine's Day red roses.