Zionist fools across the world were "pleased" with the "election" of warmongering racist Barack Obama, reports John Pilger. Obama, who was allowed to be elected by "liberal" "elites", or neocons, or corporate dictators, whatever, like there's a difference, should be strung up from the nearest tree, just like that "Mandela". Can't be choosy.
Britain's banks finally responded to growing public and political pressure yesterday to pass on to their customers the full 1.5 percentage point cut in interest rates. After an early morning meeting with the chancellor, Alistair Darling, the UK's biggest lenders yesterday came out one by one and flipped him the bird before running off down Whitehall. By mid afternoon each of the banks that had sought help from the government's £37bn bail-out had mooned in the direction of the Chancellor and invited the Treasury to kiss their lily-white arses. Prime Minister Gordon Brown welcomed the move.
Lap dancing clubs are not part of the sex industry it was announced today; lap dancing clubs have absolutely nothing to do with sex or the use of woman as sexual objects.
This clarification was provided by the Lap Dancing Association who pointed out that lap dancing clubs are actually providing an accountancy service for clients and there is no sexual gratification involved. The accountant (usually a woman) is using her fingers, toes and other body parts to keep a running tally on the accounts for the client. The part of the dance where the lap dancer writhes and proffers her genital area to the client is actually a form of audit which allows the client to check that the numbers have been calculated accurately.
Feminists were embarrassed today at discovering their mistake. "We feel so silly" said their spokesperson.
Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand were today suspended by the BBC after a string of newspapers led calls to axe the duo. The pair provoked criticism after they left a series of messages on the answerphone of comedy actor Andrew Sachs making crude references to Sachs' granddaughter, Georgina Baillie. Indignant newspapers, anxious that readers should have a thorough understanding of the story, printed pictures of Baillie, a burlesque dancer, here, here, here, and here.
Trailing by large margins in US national polls, Republicans are hoping for the miraculous return of a presidential candidate known to them as "John Frum" McCain. Activists say Frum-McCain, who bears striking similarities to saviour figures in 20th century Pacific Island cargo cults, will return one day bringing winning vote margins and financial aid. "John Frum 'im go come wi' lotsa cargo," says North Carolina Republican party chairman Linda Daves. Frum-McCain supporters are known for fanaticism, often scarring their faces, or spending huge amounts of money on ceremonial vestments to prove their devotion. Critics say there have been very few sightings of John Frum-McCain in states the Republicans need to win, and that party officials are being unrealistic about their election hopes. But avid Republicans refuse to accept the evidence of the polls. "'E tall man. 'E live 'long South America," says Daves.
New details of bank rescue emerge:
Following the outpouring of public affection that has followed Peter Mandelson's return to the Cabinet, Gordon Brown has pledged to make a series of new appointments to the Cabinet based purely on levels of popularity with the public. Among those reported to be in the running for a Cabinet post are Neil and Christine Hamilton, Abu Hamza, the Sinclair C5 and the entire cast of the early 90s BBC soap Eldorado.
Carla Bruni resolves to try harder or shut up.
Paris Hilton and a coterie of violent valley girls have orchestrated an armed hijack at the offices of Observer Woman. News of the ambush leaked out on Sunday as newspaper readers turned to the Observer Woman supplement to find that journalists had been forced, at gunpoint, to print a series of inane and vacant ramblings in place of the intelligent writing they had been expecting.
The magazine was littered with Hilton's trademark excitable prose including "timeless classics are, like, totally hot right now" and "Want. It. Bad. And. Soon." in relation to a coat. Hilton's unmistakable use of italics, capitals and even exclamation marks to emphasize the more important points about cosmetic surgery, handbags and skirts was evident throughout and reached a dangerous peak in the menacing: "Also - perfect sleeves, people!"
Hilton and her gang are reported to be holed up in the Observer office and police fear they may be planning a similar stunt at the Economist.
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