Tory Conference: Cameron and Osborne put on their serious face

Story.

Babies desk

for Doris

Music Desk - French music not at all bad shock: Serge Gainsbourg

Carla Bruni resolves to try harder or shut up.

Nick Clegg: Make It Milky With Two Sugars

Nick Clegg wowed the Liberal Democrat faithful yesterday in his first conference speech as leader as he promised to guide his party to victory at the next election. His confident claim echoed the cry by former leader David Steel in 1981. Clegg received a three second standing ovation as he told delegates: "Go home to your constituencies and prepare yourself a lethal cocktail of prescription drugs you bunch of weirdy vegan bastards."

Capitalism rethinks approach to state intervention

Story.

Labour MPs rally round PM

Cull story.

A Tory

Story.

"Lipstick on a pig" comment provokes fury

Story.

First moments of Universe re-created

Cheers mingled with celestial choirs this morning as an experiment got underway to show God as He appeared in the first billionths of a second of His six day project to create light, darkness, the heavens, the Earth and sea, the sun and moon, living creatures, and man in His own image. The totality of creation was described by God after the experiment, as "very good." A spokesman for the project was happy with the outome too. "Here's to the next six thousand years," he said.

Paris Hilton in armed seige at Observer Woman

Paris Hilton and a coterie of violent valley girls have orchestrated an armed hijack at the offices of Observer Woman. News of the ambush leaked out on Sunday as newspaper readers turned to the Observer Woman supplement to find that journalists had been forced, at gunpoint, to print a series of inane and vacant ramblings in place of the intelligent writing they had been expecting.

The magazine was littered with Hilton's trademark excitable prose including "timeless classics are, like, totally hot right now" and "Want. It. Bad. And. Soon." in relation to a coat. Hilton's unmistakable use of italics, capitals and even exclamation marks to emphasize the more important points about cosmetic surgery, handbags and skirts was evident throughout and reached a dangerous peak in the menacing: "Also - perfect sleeves, people!"

Hilton and her gang are reported to be holed up in the Observer office and police fear they may be planning a similar stunt at the Economist.

Bowser Award*

This month's Bowser Award goes to The Guardian for:

Higgs boson.

Runner-up.

Regional.

Congratulations to all.

*The Bowser is awarded monthly** to the journalist who most confidently uses the buzzword of the moment as if he or she knew what it meant last week.

**Or whatever.

Gordon Brown relaunch: Britain responds

Story.

Daily Mail in change of editorial direction shock

Credit Crunch due to last till 2010; Rain forever; Knife crime on the rise; Fuel bill crisis; but remember, while there's music and love and romance......

Dance Desk: Zorba!

Karen Walker leaves Will & Grace to run for Vice President

Permanently drunk, pill-popping, sharp-tongued floozy Karen Walker appears to be running for US Vice President. Electors are expecting tax breaks on uppers, downers and vodka. Her opinion on the South Ossetia conflict is not known.

Six thousand years ago, in a galaxy far, far away....

The Force is strong with this one.

Complaint over blasphemous image

The image of an aroused Charles Clarke suggesting that Gordon Brown should resign if he does not improve has led to complaints that the former Home Secretary outrages public decency and causes harassment, alarm and distress. The six foot statue, previously thought to be impotent, serves no other purpose than to offend and to denigrate, according to leaked court documents.

Toon Army hail return of conquering hero

Bonjour.

Keegan says his goodbyes

Au revoir.

World leader tranquillises big cat

Kremlin strongman Gordon Brown has once again shown the world that he's not a man to be messed with. Camouflage-clad Mr Brown is reported to have shot an enraged six foot pussy cat with a tranquillizer gun after it had freed itself from a restraint. The latest macho act comes after years of angling for a promotion.

PM reacts to chancellor economy warning

Full story.

McCain/Palin ticket - Latest picture

Chapeau.

McCain's Vice President short-list - details

Story.

Music Desk: Beatles - Hey Bulldog

Prison watchdogs, Tartarus residents object to Titan jails

A government plan to build new "Titan jails" has come under fire from prison watchdogs and residents of Tartarus, the proposed site in the lowest level of the Ancient Greek underworld. Titans are already overcrowding the prison system, making the building of divine eternal jails a top priority, says Secretary of State for Justice Jack Straw. But budget considerations, and objections from local residents could delay the project for an aeon, or possibly an age. "The plan is to have Tantalus unsuccessfully trying to drink water or eat grapes that are always out of his reach," National Council of Independent Monitoring Boards president Peter Selby says. "And Sisyphus has to roll a rock up a hill for eternity? Health and Safety won't be happy. Where are the cost-benefit studies on all this?" Residents are also concerned about the effect on property prices in the underworld. "Real estate prices are already crashing round here with the credit crunch," says Tartarus native Steven Handley. "Who's going to want to buy my house if Prometheus is having his liver pecked out on a daily basis next door?"

Sowetan slums a fraud!

A source today discovered that the infamous Sowetan slums, which had been previously thought to be an appalling and disgraceful testament to the inequity of mankind, were in reality luxurious and the people who live there well fed and very lucky. The investigative reporter turned out to be none other than TV's Jamie Oliver. The Super Chef proved conclusively that the Sowetan diet was more varied than that of Britain by saying it loudly in a stupid mockney accent.

Margaret Thatcher's descent into sanity.

Margaret Thatcher has been sane for the last 8 years, it was revealed today by her daughter. She said: "Yes, it's true, since the age of 75 she has begun to be completely rational, clear and not at all fuddled. It is such a sharp contrast to the 80's when she was PM".

Poetry Desk: Days

Days

What are days for?
Days are where we live.
They come, they wake us
Time and time over.
They are to be happy in:
Where can we live but days?

Ah, solving that question
Brings the priest and the doctor
In their long coats
Running over the fields.


Philip Larkin


(For Skip)

Latest data loss revealed

Gordon Brown today denied responsibility for the loss of a memory stick which contained Labour's chances of winning the next election.

McCain chooses presidential campaign song

Full story here.

Gold medals currency devalued

Today the Daily Mail reports that the Olympics have shown the biggest single rise in British gold medals since 1908. However there are claims that this rise is simply proof that gold medals are getting easier and that, when they used to run the 100 metres, the tracks were much longer, possibly nearer 105 metres. A leading sports expert said, "Every four years we see pictures of smiling athletes with their successes and yet it is patently clear that standards are dropping. When I see Usain Bolt and his two world records I feel it pertinent to point out that 19.30 seconds is probably equivalent to 23 seconds when I was at school."

The Government has celebrated the athletes' success by setting floor targets of 20 golds including javelin and hurdles for the games in 2012. Any part of team GB failing to achieve these targets will be turned into an Academy.

Suspicions grow along with Team GB's medal haul

Suspicion is mounting that British athletes have been using performance-enhancing techniques to achieve success at the Beijing Olympics. Leading members of the sporting community have expressed doubt that Great Britain could have risen to third in the medals table unaided. "We suspect that Team GB have been using controversial techniques such as increased funding, professional training, sporting ability and sheer hard work," said one IOC member who did not wish to be named. "We would expect this of the Chinese, but the British? Have you seen their footballers?"

Black hole to swallow Earth

Full terrifying true story.

Son of Baronet defeated by irony, ploughs on regardless

Full Story.

Smash the Holocaust deniers

And the BNP too.

Capello struggles to find decent role model for England captain

As more criticism emerges of John Terry and Rio Ferdinand as role models for our children, an increasingly desperate Fabio Capello promises to consider all options.

Breaking News: False Leg Desk (Equine Dept)

False leg for horse neatly ties together South Korean cloned pit bull puppies with a 17 stone Mormon missionary sex slave and fake deaf mute mime artistes.

Again.

Chinese react with sympathy to Liu Xiang injury

Enough Already.

Republicans urge drilling for snake oil

The US could become independent of foreign energy sources almost immediately if companies are allowed to drill for and sell snake oil, say Republicans. "Step right up, step right up," flim-flam artist Jerome Corsi told Congress, adding that the legislative body looked like a smart young man. "How would you like to solve all your domestic energy problems through the miracle of offshore drilling? It sounds too good to be true, but it's a sure-fire thing, I tell you." Snake oil peddlers also strongly support energy sector panaceas espoused by presidential candidate John McCain. "The American consumer is suffering from a lack of unrealistic cure-all solutions," says McCain. "If we allow grifters to drill their ideas into the US consciousness, we could blind the electorate to the need for hard energy policy choices until well beyond the November election."

Sunderland puts in offer for Notting Hill

The City of Sunderland has put in an offer to purchase the trendy West London area of Notting Hill. Sunderland Council Leader, Councillor Paul Watson, said today that he was confident that the council would finalise the deal early next week, clearing the way for Sunderland to move to the affluent district where it will be close neighbours of Bradford which moved to South Kensington last month.

Controversy over new style podium for first Tibetan Gold

Full Story.

Music Desk: Dr. John

Olympics: Croatia unplaced in Mark Spitz look-alike event

David Cameron: Working classes need a Nudge

Story.

Western imperialism blamed for new outrage

A leading political thinker has criticised the West after his toilet became blocked for the second time in two years. Seamus Milne blames aggressive western imperialism for the incident. "We hear a lot about Stalin’s terror and the monstrosities of Nazism - but scarcely a word on the British and western empires or the horrors they perpetrated," said Milne last night, shaking a toilet brush for emphasis. "This is not a story of simple plumbing but a symptom of a determination to enforce western global hegemony," he added. The incident comes only days after Ronan Bennett's television set broke down, for which the writer blamed US-backed forces in the region.

David Cameron tours North of England, sets out vision

Full story.

Gnome returns home from travels

A missing gnome returned home yesterday in mysterious circumstances. The hollow leprechaun, known to its owner as David Cameron, had been missing for several weeks.

Entire Beijing Olympics faked

The 2008 Beijing Olympics are a complete fabrication and were shot on a secret movie set with trained Hollywood actors. The sporting fakery is far more extensive than previously thought, and goes beyond discoveries that the opening ceremony included computer-generated fireworks and a 9-year old singer who mimed to a recording. "First off, the Birds Nest stadium looks just like that lot in Nevada where they shot the moon landings," says National Enquirer editor David Perel. "And now the UK is winning gold medals in athletic events that aren't also upper class hobbies? No, sir. I don't buy it." London 2012 Olympic committee chairman Sebastian Coe pledges that there will be no such attempts at massive misrepresentation when the games come to the UK. "We got all that out of our system when the funding bids were submitted."

Relief as Georgia crisis ends

There was relief in newsrooms across the English-speaking world as Russia appeared to be ending its military operations against Georgia today. "There are only so many Georgia songs we can reference in our headlines, said foreign affairs analyst Judith Barnett. "Georgia On My Mind, obviously, and Midnight Train To Georgia. You can even use variations on Rainy Night In Georgia, but the longer the crisis went on, the more likely it was that people would intervene inappropriately. One colleague of mine at the Daily Record was toying with I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) From Tbilisi, which just about works, but we heard of a report that the United States was considering invoking its Nuclear Umbrella - ella - ella, which would have been catastrophic."

Spitz record under threat as Phelps fingers upper lip

Mark Spitz's record haul of Olympic moustaches is under threat from American pool sensation Michael Phelps who is understood to be planning to unveil secret aerodynamic technology at the Beijing games this week. Spitz's moustache yesterday sent a good luck telegram to Phelps' upper lip in advance of the men's 200 metres freestyle and wax.

Dick Cheney steps into Georgia conflict

More.

Greatest spectacle on earth begins

Story.

Genocide, moustache...what's not to like?

Story.

(Via)

Beijing solves problem of reports of high pollution readings

Beijing was praised today for novel solutions to the rising amount of pollution resulting from media vehicles queuing up to take readings.

Beijing authorities were also praised for plans to control movement of spectators through the City Centre.

Breaking news: Earth faces nuclear winter

Full terrifying story.

In other news: Earth faces nuclear winter.

Fermi paradox solved at last

Full story.

Pietersen quits England captaincy over quota row

Kevin Pietersen’s career as England captain came to an abrupt end today after he quit the post over the England team’s controversial quota system. “When [England selector] Geoff Miller told me the ECB policy was to select as many English players as possible I couldn’t believe my ears," said the South African-born batsman this afternoon. "To me, every single person needs to be treated exactly the same, and you should be selected to play for England on merit regardless of whether you were born in this country or not,” he said. "Now does anyone have Ricky Ponting's telephone number?"