A 111-year-old man confirmed as the world's oldest man says he owes his longevity to steering clear of alcohol. Tomoji Tanabe, who still works as leader of the Liberal Democrats, revealed the secrets of his long life to reporters. "Unlike my predecessor I don't drink alcohol - that is the biggest reason for my good health," he said, adding that he intends to lead the Liberal Democrats into the next election and beyond.
The Supreme Commander of the Droid Armies yesterday claimed that the military surge had produced real gains, and that the Confederacy is heading for victory over the Galactic Republic. General Grievous told Congress in testimony before a joint hearing of the Confederacy armed services and foreign affairs committee that the objectives of his Sith master Count Dooku are “largely being met”. The fearsome cyborg who retains his own organic brain, nervous system and sensory organs said that uneven but substantial progress had been made this year. “I cannot guarantee success for the Dark Side but I do believe that it is obtainable,” he said.
The Republican Party has moved quickly to restore its reputation for upholding family values after Idaho Senator Larry Craig resigned yesterday following his now notorious "bathroom incident".
Party officials said last night that they could foresee "no problems whatsoever on the gay front" with the fact that Craig's replacement would be chosen by Idaho Governor C.L. "Butch" Otter.
The Republican leadership is keen to scotch rumours that the whole social conservative movement is a seething mass of repressed and self-hating closet cases. Advising Governor Otter on his choice of appointee will be ex-House Majority Leader Tom "Cruise" DeLay and current Minority Whip, Trent "Dorothy" Lott (left, with Craig, centre, as one of a barbershop quartet known as The Singing Senators, singing their acclaimed a capella version of the theme from Cagney & Lacey).
UPDATE If Larry Craig were gay:
This month's Bowser Award goes to The Independent for use of the word Biosecurity.
Runner up.
Commended.
*The Bowser is awarded monthly** to the journalist who most confidently uses the buzzword of the moment as if he or she knew what it meant last week.
**Or whatever.
The mystery of what is in the brown paper bags from which late night commuters surreptitiously sip has finally been solved. Londoner Sol Isaacs, speaking last night from his bench in Hyde Park, revealed that the bags "more often than not" contain beer and wine. "I get the shopkeeper to put my Special Brew straight into the bag," he said. "That way nobody ever guesses what I am drinking when I'm on the tube. My friend has a small bottle of Jack Daniels in his. It's a very flexible system," he added.
The world of cycling was stunned yesterday when Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen was thrown out of the race for missing drug tests and lying about his whereabouts. "We are shocked," said a fellow competitor. "We have to cycle up the Pyrenees for fuck's sake. How do you expect us to do that if we're not hopped up on goofballs?"
George Galloway MP, has shocked his supporters by revealing that he personally took no bribes at all from Saddam Hussein during the 1990s. Galloway made the astonishing claim in response to the news today that he faces suspension from the House of Commons for failing to disclose that his Mariam Appeal had received money from the Iraqi government.
"It's true," he said, "all that stuff about saluting Saddam's indefatigability, I meant it. I loved the guy. The fascism, the genocide, the cigar, the moustache. I said it for free. Sure the Mariam Appeal got a few quid but me, didn't take a bean. I'm so sorry."
A member of Respect, Galloway's party, said, "I'm horrified. I presumed all the fawning and scraping before Saddam and his psychotic sons was because he was on the take."
Galloway is believed also to be in receipt of no money at all from President Assad of Syria in return for recent fulsome praise.
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