Iran hostages: parading continues

The parading of idiotic moral equivalence continued today as commentators on the Iran hostage crisis blasted the West for being insufficiently self hating. The families of the sailors captured by Iran have not commented on the developments.

Livingstone rejected Kiley's plan for bars on tube trains

It has emerged in papers released today that London Mayor Ken Livingstone rejected proposals by former transport commissioner Bob Kiley for a cash bar to be installed on every tube train in the capital. The row between the two men over the issue led to Kiley's resignation from his post in 2005. Meanwhile tube travellers today expressed anger that British tax payers are still paying for Kiley's drinks bill a full two years after his resignation. Mr Kiley is thought to be receiving up to twenty vodka and tonics a day as part of his consultancy fees.

Archaeologists unearth rock dating back to the beginnings of time itself

Archaeologists are excitedly studying recently discovered rock that is thought to have been created in the milliseconds after the universe came into existence nearly fourteen billion years ago. Cosmologists have for decades tried to figure out how galaxies formed in the aftermath of the Big Bang, and it is hoped that this new discovery, made on the site of the Millennium Dome in London, will greatly enhance the understanding of that process.

Fans' fury as England neither good nor bad

England football fans have reacted with fury to the news that their team is neither the best nor the worst in the world. Thousands of fans who travelled to last night's match complained that the team's only average performance in last night's 3-0 win over lowly-ranked Andorra prevented them from neurotically veering between wild optimism and deep pessimism in the way they are used to. Burnley fan Frank Tait, who took two days off work to travel to the game, said: "I've followed England all over the world for twenty years and this team is not the best one we've had and it's not the worst. I'm absolutely gutted. They're a disgrace to the England shirt."

Police raid on metrosexual club sparks riot

An illegal underground metrosexual club was raided by police last week sparking angry scenes as well dressed single young man with a high disposable incomes charged officers with copies of GQ. Meanwhile journalists sent to report on the annual Metrosexual Pride March in central London on Saturday found they were the only marchers.

Fathers must take responsibility - Cameron

David Cameron yesterday told feckless fathers they must become more involved in deciding which boarding school their children should attend. In a speech in Manchester the Conservative leader said that too often important decisions about a child's future were left to the mother. "For the children's sake let there be a proper balance. It saddens me greatly that very often children are not cared for by the man and woman who brought them into the world," he said. "That’s what our society’s now come to - while absent fathers are out chasing City bonuses or goodness knows what, mothers are left at home filling out the forms for Westminster or Eton. These men must be obliged to take their responsibilities seriously."

Blow for Brown as focus group rejects new facial expressions

Gordon Brown's attempts to soften his dour image as the Labour leadership contest approaches have run into trouble. A focus group commissioned by the chancellor's camp was shown more than two hundred new facial expressions being considered by his team for the upcoming campaign but rejected all of them. When asked to give the first word or phrase that came to mind to describe the chancellor's efforts, more than half of the group said they were "terrifying". The findings leave Brown's image consultants just a few weeks to come up with a new look before the leadership election expected in May.

Guardian attacked, but probably the West's fault

A Bosnian Serb militia force attacked the Guardian's offices in Farringdon today, shelling the building and occupying the newsroom. The attack was in response to the shock omission in yesterday's edition of Britain's foremost liberal newspaper of a single article praising or defending Slobodan Milosevic, or downplaying the extent of the Srebrenica massacre.
The leader of the militia, Marco Klaric, said, "You let that Vladimir Putin do an article about democracy the other week. We will not rest until Ratko Mladic has a lifestyle column on Saturdays."
As the paper's male staff members were being led away to an uncertain fate, some columnists were heard to be calling for help from anyone - anyone - except NATO or the West, which would be illegal.

Wikipedia deletes itself after hoax entry

Wikipedia's strict policy against hoaxers who publish misinformation on the site appeared to have backfired last night. The free online encyclopedia accidentally deleted itself after a hoax article was published on the site claiming that Wikipedia was itself a gigantic hoax. A spokesman for Conservapedia, founded recently in response to the alleged liberal bias of Wikipedia, has denied that they were behind the hoax posting. "Who knows, perhaps it was the work of an omnipotent God taking revenge against pinko Darwinists," he said.

Park man slams Brown over Budget

News that duty on beer will rise by 1p a pint from midnight Sunday and cider by 1p a litre has angered Londoner Sol Isaacs. Speaking this afternoon from a bench in Hyde Park, Isaacs said: "I'm appalled at this latest tax rise. My only expenditure is on Special Brew and Woodbines. Once again hikes in excise duty have disproportionately hit me and my friends here and we demand to be told why we are singled out for this unfair treatment!" Mr Isaacs was given vocal support from colleagues on nearby benches: cider drinker Cynthia Dass, 49; whisky fan, Sean Merson, 57; and Chris Troman, 14, who said he was just bunking off school for the day but would drink anything really.

The Whitehall Archipelago

A former member of the nomenklatura emerged blinking yesterday from a gulag where he has languished for the last two years. Comrade Turnbull had been banished to a labour camp known as the "House of Lords," where harsh and brutal metaphors are believed to be used, and where inmates, clad only in ermine, are forced to live on a diet of venison and claret.
"I come to denounce Gordon Ivanovitch," Turnbull said, referring to Comrade Brown, who is expected to become General Secretary of the Party and have rival politburo members shot or poisoned after the forthcoming May Day elections. "He is a ruthless man who thinks nothing of sending millions of innocent memos to the shredder and plunging ice picks into the careers of his colleagues."
Leading candidates for Deputy General Secretary, Piotr Hain, Mikhail Meacher and Harieta Harmanovna are reported to have formed a troika, denounced each other and fled to Mexico.

Zac Goldsmith: recycle the working classes

Environmental groups have reacted cagily to multi-millionaire Zac Goldmith's proposal to recycle the working classes. David Cameron's green guru made the suggestion at a meeting to select the prospective parliamentary candidate for Richmond Park last week. "This proposal is impeccably green. Almost everything from a working class person can be recycled," Mr Goldsmith is quoted as saying. "The terrible truth is that over-population is destroying this planet. By recycling millions of working class people we can secure the future for the children of everyone who went to Eton," he said.

Pub regulars told: re-train or face ejection

The White Swan just off Ladbroke Grove has been serving a loyal clientele for decades, but since it was converted into a 'gastropub' earlier this year regulars have been told they will need to complete a media training course to get a drink there. Kevin McCall, a bricklayer who has been a local at the pub - now renamed The Swan Freehouse and Dining Rooms - for over forty years complained: "All these trendy television and film people come in and eat their beetroot risotto with blue cheese beignets and wild garlic pesto from that new blackboard menu. We've been told we have to have a qualification in television production, lighting, staging or directing just to get a pint of Guinness." He added: "I wouldn't mind but their vanilla panna cotta with raspberry compote is absolutely bloody terrible."

Flintoff axed after "lapse in judgement"

Andrew Flintoff was sensationally dropped from England's drunken prank team after allegedly spending an afternoon in the nets, then having a light supper and an early night. While the rest of the team, dressed as pirates, tried to board a passing yacht from their pedaloes at 4am, Flintoff was sleeping soundly, in contravention of team rules. He has since apologised, saying that he was "ashamed and embarrassed" by his behaviour.
Ian Botham said of Flintoff, "A lot of lads look up to Freddie, and if they see him behaving like a responsible athlete, they'll think they can do the same. Cheers."
England lost yesterday to a team of part-time drinkers from the US by 4 broken shopping trollies (with 52 Stellas remaining).

Majority think 'carbon footprint' must be cut

More people than ever before now believe there is an urgent need to minimise use of the phrase 'carbon footprint'. Use of the phrase, particularly in industrialised nations, is believed by scientists to have altered the chemical composition of the atmosphere through a build up of gases. A poll published today shows that a majority of the public is willing to offset the effects of the phrase by taking long-haul flights to anywhere at all as soon as possible.

Breaking News

Passer-by bowled over by nude OAP.

Relief as moratorium on culture announced

News that there will be no new culture over the next year has come as welcome relief for millions of people struggling to keep up with the relentless number of films, novels, plays and exhibitions released every month. Tessa Jowell, announcing the moratorium in Parliament yesterday, confirmed that there would be a ban on all new culture for twelve months to give everyone a chance to catch up. Film and literature fan Stella Tayo welcomed the news. "To be honest, the amount of new stuff that comes out is enormously daunting, you just can't keep up with it," she said last night. "And the backlog gets worse every year," she added. "I'm only halfway through series three of 24, I'm at series six of the West Wing and I haven't even started on The Wire. I'm drowning here."

Cabinet wobble over Trident as rock aristocracy wades in

It has emerged that the government was today on the brink of abandoning its plans to renew the UK's nuclear submarine system after an intervention by senior figures in the entertainment industry. A senior Whitehall source disclosed that a fierce argument raged at cabinet level all morning after it emerged that rock royalty Annie Lennox and Brian Eno were opposed to the scheme. The source revealed: "It was touch and go for a moment. If the Cheeky Girls had come out against it the whole thing would have collapsed."

Miliband: Hundred per cent cut in emissions by 2010

Environment Secretary David Miliband says latest projections suggest that the Labour government will cut emissions entirely by 2010. With the next general election three years away Mr Miliband says that Labour will easily achieve the ambitious target. "Under the leadership of Mr Brown there is no doubt in my mind that we will not be emitting any more damaging policies, Bills or Acts because we'll all be sitting on the opposition benches listening to Mr Cameron drone on." The Tories and Liberal Democrats have welcomed the proposals.

Cash-for-honours: No evidence is indicative of guilt, say police

Scotland Yard sources say that the lack of evidence in the cash-for-honours inquiry almost certainly proves that criminal offences have been committed. Police are investigating whether political parties broke the law in recommending peerages for donors but have found no evidence of wrongdoing - a clear indication, says a high ranking police source, of criminal activity. "We think it highly suspicious that we have uncovered no evidence whatsoever, so we are now investigating a conspiracy to pervert the course of justice," said the source last night. "This case is being conducted just like any other inquiry," he added, "and that's why we are determined to prosecute regardless of whether the evidence exists or not."

Blair indictment: details still sketchy

The campaign to have prime minister Tony Blair impeached or prosecuted for his crimes has run into trouble as campaigners have failed to agree on either the charge sheet or a suitable punishment. Nobel prize-winning playwright and supporter of Slobodan Milosevic Harold Pinter demands the prosecution and imprisonment of Tony Blair at the International Criminal Court. But others say Pinter doesn't go far enough. "Blair should be executed for treason," says Andy O'Brien, former lawyer and now full time activist in Coventry. "There's no need for a trial. Just hang them all, like Saddam. Although hanging Saddam was totally wrong," he added. But he admits getting agreement on Mr Blair's worst crime is proving difficult. "There's genocide, fraud, corruption, cash for honours, David Kelly, PFI, supercasinos, just loads of stuff," says Mr O'Brien. "The problem is none of us can even agree on who should hire the minibuses to go down to the anti-war marches in London. It's very depressing, actually."

Poll boost for 7/7 Truth Campaign

Conspiracy theorists are breathing a sigh of relief today as a new poll shows that the vast majority of the British public believe that Tony Blair knew about the London bombings on 7th July 2005 in advance. 83 per cent of those polled (24) say they believe the prime minister was tipped off in advance of the bombings but did nothing to prevent them. One well placed commentator says there was no conspiracy but gives a stark warning: "There is one hell of a tidal wave coming, as secrets that have been hidden for too long start to emerge." The poll findings will however be heartening to those in the 7/7 conspiracy industry who have invested heavily in the theory and who have worked hard to place the events of 7th July alongside the assassination of JFK, the death of Diana and 9/11. Little wonder that many have taken to asking on uncensored websites and and at open meetings across the country: "Why has the British state embarked on a policy of creating a de facto police state replete with laws which have more than a passing similarity to those passed by both Hitler and Mussolini?"

Let There Be Love

Cameron refuses to comment on new embarrassing picture

Conservative leader David Cameron yesterday refused to answer reporters' questions about a photograph which seems to show him dabbling in 'Norman Lamont'. Mr Cameron is alleged to have been heavily involved with 'Norman Lamont' when the then chancellor spent billions in failing to prop up the pound on ‘Black Wednesday’. Mr Cameron said in a statement last night: "I believe every politician has a right to a private past. All I will say is that I had a normal special adviser experience."

Blair avoids exit question with squirrel distraction

Prime minister's questions ended in uproar yesterday as Tony Blair deflected David Cameron's question about the timing of his departure. Asked by Mr Cameron to say precisely when he would be leaving Number 10, the prime minister distracted his opposite number's attention by pointing above the opposition benches and shouting "Look! A squirrel!" As opposition MPs turned to see the 'squirrel' the prime minister gathered his papers and ran out of the chamber leaving commentators speculating furiously whether this was a signal that Mr Blair is planning to stay in Downing Street longer than expected.

Cheney aide in naming scandal

Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found guilty yesterday of inappropriately carrying a childhood nickname into adulthood. Mr Libby's nickname is supposedly a reference to how he scooted around his cot as a baby. The foreman of the jury, Peter Gonzales, said outside court, "I mean, come on, its ridiculous that the Vice President's right hand man is a guy who goes around insisting on being called by his baby name."
This verdict follows the successful prosecution in 2006 of disgraced Republican congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham for theft of John Wayne's nickname. An associate of Cunningham, ex-CIA Executive Director Kyle "Dusty" Foggo, is charged with walking straight out of a Carl Hiaasen novel.

Nanotechnology used to identify Conservative policies

Scientists are using nanotechnology to identify microscopic strands of Tory policy. The tiny policies are on a molecular scale - just a few millionths of a millimetre wide - and were previously thought to be too small to see, but researchers have given a stark warning about the implications of the breakthrough. "The real fear in all this is that the policies may soon become self-replicating nanomachines, multiplying uncontrollably and devouring the Earth in a grey goo," said Professor Welland of the Royal Academy of Engineering. Scientists now think that something similar happened during the Major administration.

Government seeks injunction against itself

In a dramatic move the attorney general last night obtained an injunction against the government preventing Tony Blair and his ministers from doing anything at all. At the late night hearing a high court judge agreed with the attorney's lawyers that it would not be in the public interest for the government to do or say anything about anything. The government opposed its own application arguing that it would be highly unusual for an injunction to be granted under those terms but the judge said that he was satisfied there was a substantial risk of serious prejudice to the general public if Mr Blair or any member of the cabinet carried out any policies whatsoever. The Treasury solicitor acting for the attorney said he was pleased to have won the case. "If anyone in the government does anything at all we would be breaching the order and we will be in contempt of court, so we are delighted."

Diana: Inquest jury to be shown unseen film

The jury at the inquest into the death of Diana, Princess of Wales is to be shown previously unseen footage of the crash which killed her. Mohammed Al-Fayed, father of Dodi Al-Fayed who was killed alongside Diana, says the film proves their deaths were no accident. It is thought that the film shows British secret service agents chatting with members of the Illuminati in the tunnel below the Pont de l'Alma moments before the crash while several Elders of Zion look on. After the crash Prince Charles and Prince Philip are seen goose stepping away from the scene in full Nazi uniform before transforming themselves into giant lizards. A preliminary hearing begins today in the High Court.

Clarke and Milburn deny menacing Brown

Charles Clarke and Alan Milburn denied, at a press conference on Wednesday, that the launch of their new website calling for a new direction for Labour was motivated by personal animus towards Gordon Brown. Their campaign, called "A world without Brown," is, they said, concerned purely with policy issues. "We need to ensure that the future of the Labour Government is not dependent on Gordon," said Clarke. "If something were to happen to him..."

"Or his lovely wife and children," interrupted Milburn, who appeared suddenly from the shadows at the back of the hall, wreathed in cigarette smoke.

"Yes, we mustn't forget Sarah and the boys," Clarke snarled, his face contorting beneath a snap brim fedora. "And we won't."

Every driver in UK "to be tracked by MI5"

Motorist groups say they have received a copy of secret government plans to allocate an MI5 officer to every driver in the country. Under the new proposals car owners will have their every movement tracked by secret agents who will follow them wherever they drive. The plan, which will have the effect of doubling the number of cars on Britain's roads, is just another example of anti-driver policies according to an influential lobby group. "We've got the highest fuel tax in the world, road tax, congestion charging, satellite tracking, road pricing and now this," said a spokesman for the National Drivers Alliance. "We are very unhappy at being systematically oppressed by this ORWELLIAN CAR-HATING FASCIST REGIME" he added, dribbling slightly.