Friday, 30 March 2007
Thursday, 29 March 2007
Tuesday, 27 March 2007
Monday, 26 March 2007
Saturday, 24 March 2007
A Bosnian Serb militia force attacked the Guardian's offices in Farringdon today, shelling the building and occupying the newsroom. The attack was in response to the shock omission in yesterday's edition of Britain's foremost liberal newspaper of a single article praising or defending Slobodan Milosevic, or downplaying the extent of the Srebrenica massacre.
The leader of the militia, Marco Klaric, said, "You let that Vladimir Putin do an article about democracy the other week. We will not rest until Ratko Mladic has a lifestyle column on Saturdays."
As the paper's male staff members were being led away to an uncertain fate, some columnists were heard to be calling for help from anyone - anyone - except NATO or the West, which would be illegal.
Friday, 23 March 2007
Wednesday, 21 March 2007
A former member of the nomenklatura emerged blinking yesterday from a gulag where he has languished for the last two years. Comrade Turnbull had been banished to a labour camp known as the "House of Lords," where harsh and brutal metaphors are believed to be used, and where inmates, clad only in ermine, are forced to live on a diet of venison and claret.
"I come to denounce Gordon Ivanovitch," Turnbull said, referring to Comrade Brown, who is expected to become General Secretary of the Party and have rival politburo members shot or poisoned after the forthcoming May Day elections. "He is a ruthless man who thinks nothing of sending millions of innocent memos to the shredder and plunging ice picks into the careers of his colleagues."
Leading candidates for Deputy General Secretary, Piotr Hain, Mikhail Meacher and Harieta Harmanovna are reported to have formed a troika, denounced each other and fled to Mexico.
Tuesday, 20 March 2007
Monday, 19 March 2007
Andrew Flintoff was sensationally dropped from England's drunken prank team after allegedly spending an afternoon in the nets, then having a light supper and an early night. While the rest of the team, dressed as pirates, tried to board a passing yacht from their pedaloes at 4am, Flintoff was sleeping soundly, in contravention of team rules. He has since apologised, saying that he was "ashamed and embarrassed" by his behaviour.
Ian Botham said of Flintoff, "A lot of lads look up to Freddie, and if they see him behaving like a responsible athlete, they'll think they can do the same. Cheers."
England lost yesterday to a team of part-time drinkers from the US by 4 broken shopping trollies (with 52 Stellas remaining).
Sunday, 18 March 2007
Saturday, 17 March 2007
Friday, 16 March 2007
Wednesday, 14 March 2007
Tuesday, 13 March 2007
Monday, 12 March 2007
Saturday, 10 March 2007
Friday, 9 March 2007
Thursday, 8 March 2007
Wednesday, 7 March 2007
This verdict follows the successful prosecution in 2006 of disgraced Republican congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham for theft of John Wayne's nickname. An associate of Cunningham, ex-CIA Executive Director Kyle "Dusty" Foggo, is charged with walking straight out of a Carl Hiaasen novel.