Friends of Republican Senator John McCain have firmly rejected conspiracy theories that he is a brainwashed "Manchurian Candidate" bidding to become US president. McCain, who was a prisoner of war in North Vietnam for five years, has been offered support by President George Bush, whose policies the senator strongly opposed in the early years of his administration until he radically and unexpectedly shifted positions to completely agree with them. "John McCain is an independent thinker and these crackpot accusations are beyond offensive," Bush told reporters, before turning to address McCain directly. "Lieutenant McCain... Lieutenant John McCain... John Sidney McCain... Listen," Bush said, holding up a Queen of Diamonds playing card.
Leading McDonaldland political operative Mayor McCheese has come under fire for allowing fast food restaurants to administer A-level equivalency exams to staff. The "Basic Ministerial Competency" course has been criticised as too easy, and symptomatic of a broader fall in education standards under McCheese. The mayor — whose gaffe-prone administration suffered another blow last week when The Hamburglar resigned after failing to fully declare campaign contributions — insists that the new "McDegree" is not an easy option. "It is going to be a tough course, but once you have got a qualification in management you can probably go anywhere," McCheese told reporters. "And if you struggle on this particular course, there's always a place for you in Gordon Brown's cabinet."
There is concern today that a satellite could cause widespread damage after it lost power and began a rapid uncontrolled descent back to Earth. Former secret agent Alec Trevelyan is worried that his plan to destroy the Bank of England with the GoldenEye satellite and devastate the British economy has been foiled by erstwhile colleague James Bond. Speaking today the Janus crime syndicate member said: "In 48 hours I would have had more money than God. Now it is all ruined! Ruined!"
You want to make like an American,
You want to make like an American,
And want to live in the latest style,
But when you drink whiskey & soda it makes you sick.
You dance to rock & roll and play baseball,
Sure, but when you need money for Camels,
Where do you go? To Mamma's pocketbook.
So you want to make like an American,
But you were born in Italy.
Seems to me there's nothing to be done.
OK, you're Neapolitan anyway.
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!
[The crowd murmurs and whispers in consternation. Dr. Hfuhruhurr speaks aside to Dr. Conrad.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: What are they saying?
Dr. Conrad: Zey are just saying "murmur, murmur, murmur".
Work and Pensions Secretary Peter Hain has come under fire for failing to declare over £100,000 donated as part of his campaign to become Neath's "Mr All-Over Tan Of The Year" for the 17th consecutive year. Mr Hain came 5th.
"Bronzing Oil don't come cheap," he said in a prepared statement.
Laboratoire Garnier, makers of Ambre Solaire, are reported to have gone into receivership following the news of Mr Hain's difficulties.
Americans are hoarding tinned foods and bottled water, as Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani remains eerily confident that his flagging campaign can be turned around somehow. Former New York mayor Giuliani, whose campaign has focused heavily on terrorist threats to the US, appears unconcerned about gathering no delegates from the Iowa caucuses and the Wyoming convention, and trailing in the New Hampshire primary. "Something's not right. He's so blasé about finishing behind Ron Paul in Iowa," said terrorist expert Michael Scheuer. "He must know something's coming. Run! Run! Aieeeeee!" he added. Giuliani himself has largely refused to comment about his position in the polls. "It's a long primary season and we're running a national strategy," said Giuliani campaign co-chair Steve Forbes. "Almost anything could happen. Anything! Just when you least expect it!"
Millions of Londoners have been struck down with severe nausea at the thought that Ken Livingstone might be re-elected Mayor in May. Unusually high levels of vomiting were reported as Londoners realised that Boris Johnson is the alternative. The only cure for "voter vomiting virus", as the Livingstone bug is called, is the destruction of Israel and the stoning of gays.
