Tuesday, 2 February 2010
Sunday, 31 January 2010
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Friday, 29 January 2010
God: I did what I believed to be right
Speaking at his long-awaited appearance before the Inquiry into the 2003 invasion of Iraq, God today said that He had only done what He thought was right. God, who arrived at the QE2 centre early to avoid protestors outside, said: "Leadership is about difficult choices. Ultimately I had to make a decision and I truly and honestly believed that creating Tony Blair was the right thing to do. It's a decision I would take again."
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Growth of 0.1% coincidentally same as Labour's chance of winning election
Experts say that the 0.1% growth in the final three months of 2009 is precisely the same chance that Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling (pictured) have of winning the general election this year. Some commentators have however advised further caution in the months ahead, saying that the chances of Labour victory may well be actually far lower than the headline figure. The Labour party recession began in the first quarter of 2003, and is the longest on record.
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Friday, 22 January 2010
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Fake wolf picture disqualified
Yesterday this shot of a wolf in sheep's clothing was stripped of first place in the Wildly Misleading Photographer of the Year competition after judges ruled the picture was probably faked. Critics say that the picture, which shows David Cameron leaping through populist hoops, breaches the competition's rules because the subject is probably a wax model held in captivity at Millbank Tower in Westminster.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Brazenly Elitist Competition - Enter today
Insufficiently able simultaneously to smash up a restaurant, roger a small mammal and recite all 15 books of Ovid's Metamorphoses? Idiot.
Instead why not enter our competition? Win prizes* by simply completing the following sentence:
I would have got into the Bullingdon Club but......
Enter here.
*Notional.
Monday, 18 January 2010
Sunday, 17 January 2010
Friday, 15 January 2010
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Iris Robinson: My tips for staying warm during cold snap
Those tips in full.
Pictured right: Peter Robinson, Iris Robinson, Kirk McCambley (out of shot).
Friday, 8 January 2010
Thursday, 7 January 2010
Big Freeze: New crisis as council runs out of salt, cracked pepper, balsamic vinegar
Hundreds of diners in Islington were today forced to abandon their tables after the local authority ran out of vital condiments on a second day of ice and snow in the capital. Tonight there was little sign of much-needed deliveries of sea-salt, cracked pepper and balsamic vinegar and table service was left badly disrupted by the conditions. Furious restaurant owners have criticised the council's response to the crisis. "It's pretty outrageous," said one angry restaurateur. "We are even almost out of juniper infused oil and wasabi mayonnaise," he added.
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Banana offers lukewarm support to PM
Westminster was awash with renewed speculation tonight as one of the leading bananas in the cabinet offered unenthusiastic support for the prime minister following calls for a leadership ballot. A spokesman for the prime minister said that Mr Brown was "relaxed and getting on with the job of destroying the Labour Party and all his enemies one by one."
Saturday, 2 January 2010
Thursday, 20 August 2009
David Cameron distances himself from 'maverick' Tory party
Conservative leader David Cameron has moved swiftly to put distance between himself and the Tory party, which he described today as having 'some quite eccentric views.' This week Mr Cameron rebuked MEP Dan Hannan over his criticism of the NHS. Yesterday Mr Cameron moved to squash plans put forward by a Tory council to subsidise the fees of children attending private schools if their parents lose their jobs. Meanwhile former cabinet minister Norman Tebbit has been critical of Mr Cameron for driving away the party’s traditional voters. Mr Cameron has also reprimanded shadow cabinet member Alan Duncan as well as backbenchers Douglas Hogg and Sir Patrick Cormack over MPs' pay. A spokesman confirmed today that Mr Cameron had disowned the Tory party altogether. "These are the views of a maverick party, not of David Cameron," he said.
Monday, 17 August 2009
Friday, 14 August 2009
Thursday, 13 August 2009
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
Er, yeah.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Monday, 20 July 2009
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Moon landings hoax: New evidence emerges
As the 40th anniversary approaches, new evidence has emerged that the moon landings were an elaborate hoax. Analysis of the television programme Lunar Jim, which chronicles the moon life of astronaut Jim and his team – Robot Dog Rover, Ripple, Eco, and T.E.D. the Technical Equipment Device - suggests that the images apparently being beamed back to earth are staged, probably in the Nevada desert. Bill Kaysing, for many years a leading hoax theorist, says that Lunar Jim is yet more NASA funded propaganda. "If you look carefully you can see that Jim's flag flutters in a breeze - yet there is no air on the moon at all! Plus you couldn't have that cow and that chicken just walking around on the moon like that." A tight lipped CBeebies spokesman would confirm only that Lunar Jim is intended as "a children's cartoon."
Monday, 13 July 2009
Friday, 10 July 2009
PervertFriday, 3 July 2009
Thursday, 2 July 2009
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
Friday, 26 June 2009
Thursday, 25 June 2009
Republicans shocked by faithfulness revelations
At a tearful press conference, Indiana's Republican governor Mitch Daniels admitted that he has not been unfaithful to his wife, potentially scuppering his hopes of a run at the presidency in 2012. With a promising career in tatters, Daniels begged forgiveness of his family and party.
"I take strength from God, my daughters and my loving wife," Daniels said. "And I hope my fellow Republicans can forgive me for this shameful episode of not doing anything to be ashamed of."
The Republican party, long a bastion for white men that privately indulge in extra-marital affairs, prescription drug abuse, racism and approaches to underage boys while preaching strong family values, has been rocked by the revelations of a lack of revelations.
"It's a sad day for the party," Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele says. "You think you can trust a fellow GOP man to go behind the back of everyone close to him and still advocate hypocritically for biblical moral values. But I guess there's always a few non-rotten apples in every barrel."
Friday, 19 June 2009
Fundamentalists Vs Wondermentalists
Khamenei says we are the evil enemy . So we play him the only song we know that references Iran.
Thursday, 18 June 2009
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Friday, 12 June 2009
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
'Gördondämmerung' goes on and on
Opera fans are flocking to a rare performance of Richard Wagner's "Gördondämmerung" at the Westminster Opera House of Commons. One of the composer's lesser-known works, the piece is the last in the epic four-opera cycle "Der Ring des Nr. 10 Downing Straße" and recounts the legend of the hero Brownhilde, whose quest for power ends in the fiery drawn-out death of his party's popularity. The current performance, which is proving to be one of the longest in the world of opera, includes the arias "O, diese expensen!", "Keine Rheinmaiden lieben mich", and the show-stopping "Verdammte europäische electionen". The saga is expected to end in Brownhilde's defeat at the apocalyptic battle of Generalelectionarok next year.
'BRAINS....BRAINS....!'Friday, 5 June 2009
Cabinet shock as no one resigns for over an hour
There was further confusion in Westminster tonight after no one at all resigned from the cabinet for more than an hour. Prime Minister Gordon Brown insisted he would not be forced out of office by the shock development, described by a spokesman as more evidence of a Blairite plot to destabilise the PM's position.
Thursday, 4 June 2009
New rumours pile pressure on PM
Downing Street has moved quickly to dismiss rumours that a rumour was about to be circulated relating to something that someone heard about something or other. "The suggestion that somebody said something about something that someone said but later denied is completely untrue as far as we know," said a spokesman. Cabinet ministers are said to be furious about an off the record briefing about who was briefing journalists about a previous briefing which turned out to be either true or false, doesn't matter. Meanwhile the BBC has confirmed as true rumours that recent events at Westminster have given Nick Robinson a chronic and painful erection.
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Horror in Browntown
Reports are filtering out from Browntown of a horrifying mass-suicide. Browntown, the informal name for the Government of the United Kingdom, is named after the co-founder of the New Labour cult, Gordon Brown. Followers of Brown, known as Ministers, are reportedly committing suicide as part of a bizarre ritual known as "reshuffling". Details of the ritual are sketchy, but it is believed that Brown intends to cast some of his followers out of the cult, and to elevate preferred acolytes, in an attempt to propitiate their god, Gallup-Mori. Some Ministers who are to be cast out into the wilderness (the "back of the benches", in cult lore) have chosen self-immolation instead, with one case reported of seppuku, or disemboweling oneself on one's own second home.
Browntown began as a benign experiment in social democracy but conditions have recently deteriorated. Ministers have complained of intrusive media attention, an atmosphere of paranoia, and an unusual number of accountancy errors. Brown's behaviour has become increasingly erratic, and some cult supporters are praying for delivery by a mythical "postman".
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