New Avengers remake gets green light
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Monday, 27 April 2009
50p tax rate could drive top twats abroad
There were today new warnings from the City that many of the UK's highest-paid self-serving ghastly twats would flee the country to avoid the new 50p tax rate announced in last week's budget. The Chancellor Alistair Darling has been urged to re-think the tax hike to avoid the so-called 'bastard-drain' of top talent from the country.
In other news: Many people still using schools and hospitals.
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
UN Conference on Racism "a triumph"
The organisers of the 2009 UN Conference to promote antisemitism have declared themselves delighted with the first day of the Geneva conference yesterday. The keynote speaker, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, "pushed all the right buttons", said a conference organiser. "To have the world's most famous Holocaust denier speak on the eve of Holocaust Remembrance Day? A masterstroke!"
The head of the UN Human Rights Council, the body responsible for the conference, also expressed pleasure at the outcome. "Listen, we've got Russia, China, Azerbaijan, you name it on this Council. Saudi Arabia, for Chrissakes. Filthy regimes, the lot of them. And the only country we ever criticise is you-know-who. So we had a lot to live up to."
BONUS UNITED NATIONS FUN:
Libya bitch-slapped.
Nazi bovine overlords set to rule for 1000 years
Or at the very least claim a working majority at the next election.
Friday, 17 April 2009
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Met to review policing methods once they've finished kicking the shit out of everyone
A review of public order policing ordered by the Metropolitan commissioner, Sir Paul Stephenson, will begin as soon as everyone has finished having the crap beaten out of them by police, he said today. The commissioner was speaking as concerns mounted over police handling of the G20 protests earlier this month. "G20 was a complex policing operation and it was not an easy job keeping public order while maintaining the lawful right of innocent police officers to get punters in the back of the van and giving them a right good kicking," he said. Sources at Scotland Yard say they hope to have given everybody a good going over by the middle of next week.
Monday, 13 April 2009
I fart in your general direction says Damian McBride to Tories
More unfounded smears revealed:
'Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.'
Sunday, 12 April 2009
Thursday, 9 April 2009
Terror Blunder joy
Headline writers hit the jackpot yesterday with the news that senior counter-terrorism officer Bob Quick had inadvertently revealed details of a police investigation into terrorist suspects. The story gave newspapers the opportunity to use their two favourite words together, resulting in the gleefully assonant “Terror Blunder”.
"We were thrilled", said one editor "We experimented with “Copper comes a cropper” and “Gaffe at the Yard” but nothing was sounding right until we hit on “Terror Blunder”. It’s been a great day’s work."
Friday, 3 April 2009
Thursday, 2 April 2009
G20 leaders agree to smash the system
Leaders of the world's largest economies have reached an agreement to tackle the global financial crisis. Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced the package of measures which follows representations made over the last two days and includes the creation of self governing communes across the world and the burning of bankers. Mr Brown said: "We have listened carefully. This is the day that the world came together to smash the fucking system." French President Nicolas Sarkozy said that the conclusions of the G20 summit were "more than we could have hoped for. Eat ze fucking rich," he added.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Monday, 30 March 2009
Friday, 27 March 2009
Catholic delight at wedding plans
Catholics were delighted to learn that they will get the opportunity to marry into the royal family under new plans to reform the 1701 Act of Settlement. Catholics have long lobbied for the opportunity to marry into this famously supportive and functional family.
Gerry Adams - a prominent Catholic - professed himself thrilled at the opportunity: "Those marriages seem to work out really well" he said "And the children are just precious".
Thursday, 26 March 2009
US treasury secretary breaks wind before Congress
US treasury secretary Timothy Geithner broke wind before the US Congress at a special clear-the-air meeting today intended to discuss the financial crisis.
"I didn't realise it was their turn," mumbled an embarrassed Geithner.
Monday, 23 March 2009
Saturday, 21 March 2009
Gay curse kills Natasha - Telegraph
The real reason for Natasha Richardson's death was revealed by the Telegraph yesterday. Her father and grandfather were bisexual (shudder), the Telegraph explains, and this curse on the family inevitably resulted in death and tragedy.
The Mail also finds the curse responsible for her uncle's heart attack while defending a Travellers' Site (shudder)and suggests that the gay curse may also have been responsible for Vanessa Redgrave's left wing politics (shudder, shake head, shudder).
Thursday, 19 March 2009
End in sight as Tories outline plans to tackle recession
There was widespread jubilation across the UK this week as David Cameron outlined Conservative Party plans to tackle the recession. Street parties sprung up in towns and cities across the country after the Tories revealed an ambitious programme designed to bring the financial crisis to an end. Excited voters huddled around television sets as Mr Cameron announced the package of measures, including:
- RESTORING Ken Clarke to the front bench
- FREEZING the BBC licence fee
- JUST bear with me a moment
- DRUMMING fingers on table top
- WHAT was that other thing?
- OOH LOOK! A squirrel!
Margaret Thatcher is 83.
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Monday, 16 March 2009
Editorial: Why Ken Loach should apologise for High School Musical 3
Ken Loach should be ashamed of himself. He, as a film director, should understand more than most why rubbish films like High School Musical 3, or anything with Tom Cruise, anger decent, law-abiding, liberal people. And if the entirely understandable anger of those people at, say, a Robin Williams movie were to cause them to punch Mr Loach in the face, we at Olly's Onions would not condone that violence, but we would understand it. For he is a film director, and Patch Adams was also made by a film director. So was the new Pink Panther film. And if cinema enthusiasts scream in his face, "Why can't you leave Inspector Clouseau ALOOONE? Don't you realise that Steve Martin is JUST NOT FUNNY ANYMORE?!" while burning effigies of Mr Loach, and boycotting his films, and daubing obscenities on his house, and beating up his children, can he blame them? We certainly could not. If Mr Loach complains that these attacks are unjustified, that is merely a distraction from the fact that he is an idiot.
We look forward to Mr Loach's next film, which is expected to "understand" discrimination against black people because of all the shitty things African governments do.
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
How I gunged Mandelson and managed to stay absolutely gorgeous in the process
The fact that I was an absolutely gorgeous woman who marched up to Mr Mandelson gave me a head start when it came to throwing mock green slime - not real green slime, that is a patriarchal concept - in his face. Here was a well-dressed, dare I say absolutely gorgeous, state school, middle class woman confronting the unelected OverLord patriarch Mandelson and, yes, questioning his right to take a political platform on climate change by throwing an intensely feminist mixture of flour, water and food dye in his great fat patriarchal face, the big bullying man. I for one didn't give him any simpering compliments like most women probably would if they weren't being oppressed by patriarchal climate change much more than men who started climate change anyway, the patriarchs. It's down to absolutely gorgeous women like me to sort this problem out. So if another patriarchal newspaper asks me about being absolutely gorgeous, which I am, then I will absolutely scream until I am sick, but I will put up with it, because the only way we can change things in this undemocratic patriarchal society is with gunge and slime and custard. Do you like my shoes?
Monday, 9 March 2009
Saturday, 7 March 2009
Violence erupts as bankers take to picket lines
The City of London today saw the bloodiest confrontation yet between police and bankers as the blockade of Threadneedle Street continued. Officers wielding batons and shields broke up crowds of bankers who were then charged by police on horseback. Nearly one hundred picketing bankers were arrested bringing the total detained during the month-long blockade to more than two thousand. Hundreds more bankers were reported injured. The confrontation will do little to ease tensions between bankers and the government who seem more determined than ever to defeat what they refer to privately as 'the enemy within'. But bankers' leader Fred Goodwin remains defiant. "Thousands of my men have put their whole working life into digging every last bonus out of these moneypits," he said. "We won't give them up without a fight."
Friday, 6 March 2009
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Friday, 27 February 2009
BBC wins impossible sentence competition
Tiger attacks trigger expert plea
Master parsers commented: "huh?"
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Monday, 23 February 2009
Police warn of impending 'Summer of George'
The UK risks a wave of layabouts indulging in petty grievances against imagined slights, in what police warn could become a "Summer of George". Given free rein by post-employment severance packages, stocky, slow-witted men are likely to end up with too much time on their hands, taking mid-morning naps and growing moustaches. Other themes vying to be the leitmotif of the summer include rage, despair and excitable police officials taking up headline space.
Sunday, 22 February 2009
Friday, 20 February 2009
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Monday, 16 February 2009
David Bowie tribute band criticises revival tours
"I'm obsessively opposed to nostalgia," declares pastiche band guitarist Bernard Butler.
Full story here, pop pickers.
Sunday, 15 February 2009
Refugees flock to Guardian's Liberty Central
Thousands of persecuted contributors to the Guardian's Comment Is Free have set up a make-shift refugee camp outside the newspaper's offices in north London. Sheltering in tents and impromptu wooden structures at the camp known as 'Liberty Central,' the refugees are seeking out a mysterious prophet known to some as Po' Rterhe Nry and to others as He' Nrypo Rter. Refugees relate how they have heard people speak of this semi-mythical figure in illegal coffee shops of Hampstead and the underground drinking houses of Islington. "I have brought my family here from far, far away," says one refugee, pointing, "From beyond Muswell Hill. We have been forced to flee our homes because of serious concerns over data protection," he says in hushed tones. "Where else can we go?" Another adds: "The corrupt totalitarian apparatchik control freaks of nu-Labour forced us here. This is worse than the old East Germany. I heard they are collecting our DNA so they can clone us and line their own pockets with the profits." Later in the day a rumour sweeps the camp that the prophet Po' Rterhe Nry is to appear and release them from their oppressors in just a few days. But then an awful realisation takes hold. As one refugee puts it: "Smith's bootboys will never let him speak. Never in a million years."
Friday, 13 February 2009
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Reds under the beds desk: Obama a communist sleeper, not a jihadi
Russian sources knew of Obama's election to Illinois legislature five years in advance!
Full, terrifying story here.
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
Triffids expected week on Tuesday - Blears to blame says Monbiot
Top boffins are warning that a comet which blasts out poisonous gases is heading towards Earth. Comet Lulin, which glows an eerie green colour is expected to shower meteorites on earth, leaving all those who witness it blind, and infecting the planet with venomous triffids. Environmental campaigner George Monbiot said this morning that cabinet minister Hazel Blears is directly to blame for the problem. "Her record clearly shows she has never once voted against man-eating killer plants. In fact she is STRONGLY IN FAVOUR OF THEM," he shouted. "If I had my way she would be IN PRISON," he added. "THEY WOULD ALL BE IN PRISON."
Monday, 9 February 2009
Friday, 6 February 2009
Thursday, 5 February 2009
BBC: Complaints pour in
The BBC Chairman was last night locked in crisis talks with the Director-General after thousands of viewers jammed the corporation's switchboard complaining about all sorts of stuff. Commentators say the huge backlash against the BBC's handling of one thing or another must now call into question the future of the licence fee itself. "The BBC is under an obligation to act impartially, but they are clearly completely biased either in favour or against whatever it is we are talking about," says one viewer. "Filth," he adds, sadly. "Absolute filth."
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Keith Richards loses way to Stones press conference, ends up in African Union conference; blames "tiredness "
Truly he is a king amongst kings.
(a tip of the gold-brocaded cap: Juicy)
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
David Cameron speech strikes fear into flinty heart of Simon Heffer
'I understate my case to say that it is one of the most shallow speeches by a supposedly serious politician that I have ever read. It should also terrify anyone who might feel he or she should vote Conservative at the next election...'
Monday, 2 February 2009
Fury as snow brings Daily Mail journalists to a standstill
There was a growing sense of outrage tonight as heavy snowfall left Daily Mail journalists struggling to fill columns with manufactured outrage and semi-coherent patriotic gibberish. Forecasters say that the worst journalism for nearly twenty years will continue for the rest of the week and beyond.
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