London man: my internet shame

A court has heard how a London man was arrested after he admitted to police that he had not joined any social networking sites whatsoever. David Burns, a lawyer, claims he couldn't bring himself to join Facebook or My Space saying he already had enough things to feel insecure and unhappy about in life. Burns, 41, denies any wrongdoing. The trial continues.

In other news: Facebook is CIA tool.

Breaking news: Middle East desk

Iran boycotts Zionist football robots. (Thanks to: Judeosphere)

British troops do not release giant man-eating badgers into Basra.

Queen storms out

The Queen yesterday abdicated the throne, admitting the institution of the monarchy was as offensive as it was absurd.

In other news: Who honestly gives a toss?

All Four Types of Music - Part Four

Garlic 'may cut tory flatulence'

Scientists believe that putting garlic in Iain Duncan Smith's food could cut the amount of gas produced by tories by up to fifty per cent. Experts tackling the impact flatulent tories have on global warming claim that the former Conservative leader, whose proposals to combat social and familial breakdown in Britain have been condemned, is responsible for about three per cent of Britain's greenhouse gases.

Mott The Hoople: All the Young Dudes

Your key to those hard-to-remember terror logos

Here.

Le Tour de France

Robert Delaunay
Homage to Bleriot

Flood rescue package condemned as inadequate

The response to regional flooding has come under fire from animal leaders after the latest package of aid measures was announced. A controversial 'two by two' scheme, to be administered by Noah, recently appointed as part of God's inclusive 'Creation of all the talents', has been condemned as 'insulting' by victims of the flooding. "Just because this has all happened up here in Hull and Sheffield we are supposed to be grateful," said one angry canine. "But if this had happened in Westminster or Canterbury you can be sure that every pair of animals would have had their own bloody Ark, and a lifetime's supply of Pedigree Chum on top of that."

Dead pop stars: latest news

John Lennon still popular.

Tupac Shakur faked own death, due to return tomorrow.

Genesis play Live Earth.

94% of the galaxy is dark matter

According to scientists who have calculated the Milky Way's mass and weight, 94% of the galaxy is made up of mysterious 'dark matter'. This figure is believed to have increased significantly since Gordon Brown became prime minister last week.

Update: Earth to be swallowed by man-made black hole.

Guardian's Comment is Free section found dead in bath

The death has been announced of the Guardian newspaper website Comment is Free. The site was discovered last night in the bath, a revolver and an empty gin bottle by its side. Although police have ruled out foul play, some former contributors to the site are suspicious. "I think you are naive if you believe the official line on this," said one man who posted regularly on the site. "I'd be very surprised if Tony Bliar and his war-mongering zionist friends were not directly behind this latest atrocity."

New evidence emerges in evolution debate

(Click on picture)

Respect Party not aware of terror attacks, claims to have been under the weather

A spokesman for Respect has apologised for the failure to condemn last week's terror attacks in London and Glasgow on the party's official website, claiming that they had not been aware of the attempted bombings. "To be honest, we've all had a touch of flu," he said. Asked why party leader George Galloway has not referred to the events on his website either, the spokesman added, "George has not had time to update his site as he has been exceptionally busy admiring his new salt-and-pepper beard."

Shadow cabinet surprise as Austrian nun replaces Willetts in schools role

Full story.

(Photo shows, l to r, Shadow Education Spokesman Maria von Trapp, Conservative leader David Cameron and Shadow Chancellor George Osborne.)

Heracles brushes a mosquito from his face

Chaos as terror returns to London

After this morning's foiled bomb attack in London the already muddled thinking of former Ambassador and prominent government critic Craig Murray was today utterly chaotic. A police spokesman said this afternoon that Murray's thinking is not expected to return to normal.

Museum settles dinosaur dispute

Scientists who have long claimed that dinosaurs were extinct at least sixty million years before mankind walked the earth have been forced back to the drawing board after a newly opened museum successfully challenged their theories. The Creation Museum in Cincinnati, which opened its doors last month, has discredited conventional scientific thought by showing how God created the world - including dinosaurs - as recently as six thousand years ago. Leading paleontologist, Professor Paul Sereno, admits he has had to make an embarrassing climbdown. "I have been impressed by the evidence I have been shown," he says. "We now think it most likely that dinosaurs co-existed with man and indeed lived in the Garden of Eden. We are now also pretty certain that dinosaurs were on board Noah's Ark too, but only the little tiny baby ones."

Gordon Brown's first speech as PM

Audio here.

How ten years in power has aged Blair

Author identifies origins of clash of civilizations, simultaneously redefines irony

Historians, politicians and philosophers are this morning attempting to absorb the significance of Tony Parsons' pronouncements on the Rushdie affair. Deconstructionist Professor Jack Moynihan said, "This is important work by an important thinker. Not only does Parsons identify The Satanic Verses as the 'opening shot' in the events that led to 9/11 and 7/7, he takes irony to undreamed of levels by criticising Rushdie's literary merit. There are so many layers to this it could take decades to unravel."

Bob Dylan plays Isle of Wight

Oh God said to Abraham, "Kill me a son"
Abe says, "Man, you must be puttin' me on"
God say, "No." Abe say, "What?"
God say, "You can do what you want Abe, but
The next time you see me comin' you better run"
Well Abe says, "Where do you want this killin' done?"
God says, "Out on Highway 61."

Bob Dylan and The Band, Isle of Wight, 31 August 1969

No exemption for British gays

The Westboro Baptist Church, which claims that God hates both homosexuals and, for 'selling her soul to sodomites', America, has confirmed that there is to be no exemption from God's wrath for UK gays. "We have received certain representations from the British homosexual community, but after due consideration we have taken the view that British fags are a raunchy little group of pagans, bastards, eunuchs, and insurgents and God hates them all and the whole of the UK too," a spokesman for the WBC said yesterday. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and picket my own bedroom," he added.

Queen in shock Rushdie beheading

The furore surrounding the knighthood awarded to Salman Rushdie took a shocking turn today at an early private investiture at Buckingham Palace. Stung by criticisms at home and abroad that the award was insensitive to Muslims, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II decided to take matters into her own hands and restore Britain's honour.
With Rushdie kneeling on the knighting-stool in front of the Queen, equerries and ladies-in-waiting watched stunned as Her Majesty sliced Rushdie's head off his shoulders with her ceremonial sword, screaming, "God is great! Death to apostates!" The Queen then ordered a video of the execution to be sent to Al Jazeera.
Pakistan's Religious Affairs minister, who previously warned of suicide bombings following the award, said in response to the execution, "A woman beheading an apostate? Blasphemy! Boy, are you going to be sorry now."

Lib Dems furious at Brown's "dirty tricks"

Senior Lib Dems have angrily denounced Gordon Brown's recent overtures to leading members of their party. Paddy Ashdown has confirmed that Brown offered him a seat in the Cabinet as Northern Ireland Secretary.
A spokesman for Menzies Campbell, the Lib Dem leader, said today, "It is outrageous that Gordon Brown should try to trick us into joining the government. It was touch and go after the Scottish Parliament elections, but we avoided a coalition there, and we're damn well going to avoid doing anything of consequence here as well. "

Agent Provocateur marketing department rejects MBE

The marketing department of lingerie firm Agent Provocateur yesterday refused to accept an MBE from "morally corrupt" prime minister Tony Blair. A spokesman said the refusal was in protest at the torture of children in Iraq and Afghanistan and the erosion of hard-fought civil liberties including the right to publicity. "May I take the opportunity to announce that all whips and peep-hole bras are three-for-the-price-of-two, this week only," he added.

Lawyer couple's row prolonged by drawn out cross-examination

An argument between married lawyers has continued longer than expected whilst each of them takes turns to cross-examine the other in meticulous detail. The row between Islington residents Sean and Daphne Richards, both 39, was originally over a lost pair of car keys and was scheduled to last a week but has now been running for more than three years.

Tributes paid to offensive comedian

Truth Campaigners are this afternoon paying tribute to Michael Moore who, moments after casting doubt on the official version of the events of 9/11, was sadly declared still alive, aged 53.

In other news, an idiot defends Bernard Manning.

Breaking News: False Leg Desk

False legs still funny. Full story.

Update.

Cameron's Royal connection played down

The Royal Family today moved to distance itself from David Cameron after newspaper revelations that the Conservative Party leader is a direct descendant of Charles II. Cameron is also William IV's great-great-great-great-great grandson, which makes him fifth cousin, twice removed, of the Queen, but a spokesman for the Royal Family played down the aristocratic connection. "The Royals are a hardworking family, doing their best for the ordinary people of Britain." he said. "They have no desire whatsoever to be associated with this unctuous little toff," he added.

Botham knighted for services to highlighted mullet industry

Hain in last ditch appeal for votes

Peter Hain has attempted to shore up his faltering campaign for the deputy leadership of the Labour Party by appealing to grassroots voters. In a speech today to the National Sunbed Association he outlined his vision. "I passionately believe that we need to reach out to the people who share our values, but who are no longer turning to Labour. I say this to anyone who has ever laid themselves down beneath a sunbed, to anyone who has ever opened a bottle of tanning lotion, to anyone who has ever bronzed themselves beneath the blazing cadmium sun of the Eastern Veld: join me. Vote Hain for an all over golden future."

"Do you have any light reading?"

Several sharp-eyed investigators have uncovered a disturbing clue embedded in the new 2012 Olympics logo which suggests that the Jews are planning to open a new front in their ceaseless quest to take over the world: sports.

David Morris, part-time director of the previously defunct Sports Sub-Division of the Committee of the Elders of Zion, said, "Let's face it, we've been nowhere since the infiltration of Agent Spitz into the 1972 Olympics.

"I just don't know whether we've got the talent to pull it off," he added, "but with Agents Spielberg and Streisand on board, at least we'll put on one hell of an opening show."

All Four Types of Music - Part Three

'Merda' hoax divides art world

The Italian artist Piero Manzoni put his excrement into tin cans in the early 1960s and offered it as art, saying that he was exposing "the gullibility of the art-buying public". The revelation that the cans are in fact filled with plaster is fiercely dividing the art world. "Modern art is shit," says Eileen Marley, arch critic of the modern art movement. But modern art collector Jack Warner disagrees. "Modern art is not shit," he counters.

French Open - Controversy over Serb finalist

Political commentator Neil Clark has come under fire from porn surfers for adding gratuitous political comment to a graphic upskirt photograph of Serbian tennis player Ana Ivanovic who reached the final of the French Open this week. One unnamed onanist said today: "It's disgusting. I was quite happily browsing the internet when suddenly I came across this unpleasant apologism for Slobodan Milosevic. It really put me off."

Galloway dismisses new "smear"

George Galloway last night criticised a Charity Commission report which says that the Respect MP's campaign against Iraq sanctions was bankrolled using aid diverted by Saddam Hussein’s regime and that the MP may have known about the illicit funding. "It's a complete and utter lie," said the politician's spokesman. "George treats the commission with contempt. This is just another smear campaign designed purely to prompt the publication of stupid photographs," he said.

Celebration of Sgt. Pepper anniversary set to continue

Sir Paul McCartney today revealed plans for the golden anniversary celebration of the release of Beatles album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. The event, provisionally entitled It Was Fifty Years Ago Today, is scheduled for June 1st 2017.

God still pondering response in Hitchens debate

There was frustration in religious circles this week as God failed to respond to provocative claims made by writer Christopher Hitchens. In his book God is Not Great: Why Religion Poisons Everything, Hitchens writes that Religion is “violent, irrational, intolerant, allied to racism and tribalism and bigotry, invested in ignorance and hostile to free inquiry," but so far God has declined to answer the charges, to the bewilderment of some of His followers. "The same thing happened with Dawkins," said one London churchgoer yesterday. "Why doesn't He strike these people down instead of all this maintaining a dignified silence bullshit?" God was last night unavailable for comment.

New evidence reveals truth about John Lennon murder

Startling evidence has emerged which proves that Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan arranged for the assassination of former Beatle John Lennon in 1980, and that the murderer was not Mark Chapman but someone altogether more surprising.

Delight as Olympics logo unveiled

The logo for the 2012 London Olympics, unveiled yesterday, has brought delight and relief to thousands of sneerers across the country. Stephen Bayley, founder of the Design Museum, said "I am absolutely thrilled. I opposed the Olympics coming to Britain in the first place, and so I was deeply disappointed when London were awarded the games, but this logo is a superb opportunity to show what a preposterous self important snob I really am."

Oliver Onions Bulldozer

The Onions are on holiday. Meanwhile here is some light music.

Mix-up puts Blumenthal on the menu

The Fat Duck in Bray has admitted that it accidentally served its owner Heston Blumenthal to customers after a kitchen experiment went wrong. Blumenthal, famed for his scientific approach to cooking, was dished up as aerated foam to unsuspecting diners after he slipped and fell into a vacuum jar whilst cooking. The incident did not appear to affect his guests' attitude to the experience, however. One diner, John Keenan, a management consultant from London, said he was not put off eating at the restaurant. "I had mustard ice cream, and cauliflower with chocolate. To be honest I don't care what I eat there as long as it's all scientific and molecular," he said.

Hazel Blears saved from drowning in inch of water

There was widespread sadness last week after Hazel Blears, miniature candidate for Labour deputy leader, was saved from drowning in a one inch puddle by supporter Stephen Pound MP.

Grammar schools: Cameron in selection row

Tories across the country wish they had never selected David Cameron as leader, it has been revealed. With the Tory faithful threatening to abandon the party at the next election and front-benchers threatening to quit, Mr Cameron is under considerable pressure, but speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme he indicated that he was unwilling to compromise. “I lead my party, I don’t give a crap what they want,” he said.

Spending increase boosts economy

Spending by credulous idiots has quadrupled over the last year, the treasury has revealed. The figures have been welcomed by the government: "The news that these gullible pricks will spend their money on any old rubbish is a real boost for the economy," a spokesperson said this afternoon.

Harry dismay at Iraq decision - Picture

Prince Harry was today pictured expressing his dismay at military chiefs' decision to reverse the decision to send him to Iraq.

Cameron's attempt to woo voters backfires

David Cameron thought swing voters could not fail to be impressed by the he-man photographs on his personal website. Instead the photos have spread across the internet like wildfire making the Conservative leader an international laughing stock. The site showed pictures of a semi-naked Mr Cameron displaying his rippling muscles while wearing a cowboy hat. In others he was pictured sitting on a motorbike, kickboxing and doing the splits. In an attempt to show he is a deep thinker, he wrote: "Unless we have the right leader in life we will forever crawl within the boundaries delimited by our own ignorance." The images have now been removed from the site and Conservative Central Office is refusing to comment.

All Four Types of Music - Part Two

Zimbabwe honoured

Zimbabwe was elected last week as head of the United Nations Commission on Sustainable Economic Development, with the amused support of member states from Africa and South America. Zimbabwe's ambassador to the UN, Boniface Chidyausiku, announced his country's proposals with a chuckle: "We know all about sustainable development! Inflation may be over 2,000%, but at the same time we've reduced our life expectancy to the lowest in the world, so it all pretty much evens out."
"Sure, we voted for Zimbabwe, why not?" said the delegate from Cuba. "You should have seen the faces of the Americans and the Brits! It was worth it just for that."

Missing girl: huge rewards on offer

Celebrities from the worlds of children's books, pop and football have been rewarded with millions of pounds worth of free publicity after contributing to a fund to help secure the release of missing toddler Madeleine McCann. Harry Potter author J K Rowling, Simon Cowell and Wayne Rooney are amongst those putting up the money. Simon Cowell, speaking today, said: "All of us are praying that this publicity will be released as soon as possible."

Blair: 10 Years Later

A new film reveals the reality of Tony Blair's Britain in the wake of the Prime Minister's announcement of his resignation. 10 Years Later shows a ravaged post-apocalyptic country laid waste by a decade of Blair. An epidemic of the "rage" virus has turned ordinary people into zombies. The few who remain uninfected flee to the protection of the US army as the undead rampage through a wasteland of higher living standards and improved public services.

London man still not given up on Winslet

A Londoner spoke this week about how he has retained his decade long hope of meeting and marrying film star Kate Winslet. David Burns says that although he is older now than when his obsession began over ten years ago, he feels he is still in with a chance with the married star. He is encouraged by recent developments, he says. "Since my divorce I've been writing to Kate more often than before," says the lawyer from his home in Camden. "By chance I discovered that her agent's office is near mine so I can pop round there most lunch times to leave presents for Kate. Little things, really. Things I've made." Burns, 41, has vowed never to give up on his dream. "When she sees the photographs I'm certain she'll give me a call," he adds.

Demand for war crimes action as Blair departs

There was a growing clamour today for the arrest of anyone still calling for Mr Blair to be tried for war crimes. As the prime minister announced the timetable for his departure from Downing Street, however, a spokesman for the International Criminal Court at the Hague said there are no plans for any future trials. "I'm afraid you will have to deal with these absurd sanctimonious fantasists all by yourself."

List of superfoods expands to include pork pies

Superfoods, packed with nutrients that have health-giving properties, can be exotic - alfa alfa, spirulina, brazil nuts and wheatgrass - or prosaic: broccoli, blueberries, beetroot. The latest addition to the list - pork pies - was announced by scientists yesterday. Researchers at the University of Leeds, who fed large quantities of pork pie to 60 men daily for eight weeks, showed it increased antioxidants in their blood, lowered cholesterol, and reduced blood pressure. They concluded, in the Journal of Clinical Nutrition: "The results support the theory that consumption of pork pie can be linked to a reduced risk of many diseases." The findings have been welcomed across the country. Phil Riordon, an accountant from Manchester said yesterday: "This is brilliant news. I've been eating nothing but buckwheat and acai fruit for years."

Brown's first cabinet to consist of self

It is widely expected that Gordon Brown will appoint himself to every cabinet post when he becomes Prime Minister in a few weeks time. The news comes after John Reid announced yesterday that he will depart the cabinet next month. The move clears the way for Mr Brown to announce a rejuvenated cabinet in which he will put himself in charge at the Home Office, the Treasury and the Foreign office as well as taking the top jobs at the key departments of education, health and defence.

Mourinho cries foul after Champions League defeat

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has lodged an official complaint over the antics of Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez during Tuesday's Champions League semi-final game at Anfield. "He was levitating all through extra time, putting my players off their game," Mourinho said yesterday. "We are complaining about this to the FA and also about the unfair treatment Chelsea get in every match now," he added. "The referee should never have given those last five penalties against us."

Chapeau

Tensions mount as contest approaches

The World Beard & Moustache Championship will be held in Brighton on 1 September 2007 and will feature many international teams including from Germany, the USA and the UK.

MI5 intelligence failures revealed

Journalists today unanimously criticised MI5 for its failure to be as clever as them. The criticism comes after the conviction yesterday of five terrorists over the foiled fertiliser bomb plot. However newspapers are demanding a better standard of counter-terrorism after journalists identified preventable errors during the investigation which resulted in security services letting the July 7 bombers slip through their fingers. MI5 responded today by agreeing to consult newspaper security correspondents before any future terrorist investigation.