Ban Ki-moon to star opposite Julia Roberts in Oceans 15

Or something.

Securitas raid gang blame 'administrative shortcomings'

Members of the gang involved in Britain's biggest cash robbery have apologised unreservedly for "administrative shortcomings and misjudgments" which they say led to the inadvertent kidnap of the manager of a Securitas depot and the theft of £53m. The investigation into the robbery meanwhile has come under fire from Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs who last night complained that the authorities were conducting a witch-hunt against the gang.

Dunce Desk

This week's dunce: Stephen Glover

God bless us, every one!

Full story.

Senator McCain 'not a Manchurian Candidate'

Friends of Republican Senator John McCain have firmly rejected conspiracy theories that he is a brainwashed "Manchurian Candidate" bidding to become US president. McCain, who was a prisoner of war in North Vietnam for five years, has been offered support by President George Bush, whose policies the senator strongly opposed in the early years of his administration until he radically and unexpectedly shifted positions to completely agree with them. "John McCain is an independent thinker and these crackpot accusations are beyond offensive," Bush told reporters, before turning to address McCain directly. "Lieutenant McCain... Lieutenant John McCain... John Sidney McCain... Listen," Bush said, holding up a Queen of Diamonds playing card.

Satellite - latest

Education standards scandal in McDonaldland

Leading McDonaldland political operative Mayor McCheese has come under fire for allowing fast food restaurants to administer A-level equivalency exams to staff. The "Basic Ministerial Competency" course has been criticised as too easy, and symptomatic of a broader fall in education standards under McCheese. The mayor — whose gaffe-prone administration suffered another blow last week when The Hamburglar resigned after failing to fully declare campaign contributions — insists that the new "McDegree" is not an easy option. "It is going to be a tough course, but once you have got a qualification in management you can probably go anywhere," McCheese told reporters. "And if you struggle on this particular course, there's always a place for you in Gordon Brown's cabinet."

Fears as satellite loses power

There is concern today that a satellite could cause widespread damage after it lost power and began a rapid uncontrolled descent back to Earth. Former secret agent Alec Trevelyan is worried that his plan to destroy the Bank of England with the GoldenEye satellite and devastate the British economy has been foiled by erstwhile colleague James Bond. Speaking today the Janus crime syndicate member said: "In 48 hours I would have had more money than God. Now it is all ruined! Ruined!"

Hain finds quiet spot to contemplate end of cabinet career

Story.

Now Harman admits 'I won't walk down a street alone at night'

Harriet Harman has joined Jacqui Smith in admitting that she does not feel safe to walk the streets alone at night. Ms Harman, who is being investigated because she accepted an illegal donation to her Labour deputy leader campaign, said: "I certainly wouldn't walk around the streets alone at night. There are far too many police officers around. I could get arrested any minute."

Update.

Central Bankers look to Bono for advice as markets plunge

Stock markets were calmed today as news emerged that both Bono and actress Emma Thompson were attending the World Economic Forum in Davos. Efforts by central banks and governments to slash interest rates, inject billions of dollars into the system and nationalise failing banks had not managed to stabilise markets but the showbiz pair calmed market nerves with an acoustic rendition of U2 classic "Pride (In the Name of Love)" followed by a recital of the piano scene from "Peter's Friends".
George Soros was thought to have cancelled an emergency meeting with Fed Chief Ben Bernanke in favour of a night in listening to The Joshua Tree.

Cameron: Prime Minister is 'strange man'

Cameron: "I look down on him," (indicates Brown), "because I am upper-class."

Greek PM preparing for historic trip to Turkey

Preparations are almost complete for Greek prime minister Costas Karamanlis to make the first state trip to Turkey in nearly 50 years. Karamanlis will travel in one of a thousand ships, and plans to call on his opposite number Recep Tayyip Erdogan, bearing the gift of a large wooden statue. Frosty relations between the two states date back to a dispute over some chick called Helen.

Stock market turmoil - new footage

Tu Vuo' Fa' L'Americano

You want to make like an American,
You want to make like an American,
And want to live in the latest style,
But when you drink whiskey & soda it makes you sick.

You dance to rock & roll and play baseball,
Sure, but when you need money for Camels,
Where do you go? To Mamma's pocketbook.

So you want to make like an American,
But you were born in Italy.
Seems to me there's nothing to be done.
OK, you're Neapolitan anyway.

London Mayor Livingstone confident of election victory

Here's to a third term.

Breaking News: False Leg Desk

Woman bashed with own false leg.

Ethical storm as scientist becomes first man to clone own moustache

In a breakthrough certain to provoke an ethical furore, boffin Dr Samuel Wood has created clones of his own moustache. Each tiny 'tache was smaller than a pinhead, but critics fear the technology could be exploited by mavericks. One opponent said: "We have got scientists wandering around in an ethical wilderness, forgetting about matters of justice relating to our fellow human beings and their facial hair." The Vatican has also condemned the cloning of moustaches. "This is the worst type of exploitation of the hirsute," said Monsignor Elio Sgreccia, president of the Pilose Academy, the Vatican department that helps oversee the Church's position on pogonotrophy.

Odds lengthen on Fischer-Spassky rematch

More.

Jacques Brel: Amsterdam

Large turnout expected at police pay rally

Thousands of police officers are expected to attend a rally at Westminster to protest against the proposed three year pay deal. The million strong march on 23rd January has been organised by the Police Federation. A spokesman said: "Our members feel strongly about this issue which is why we anticipate that more than ten million officers will travel to London from all over the country to make their feelings known."

UPDATE. Police now estimate that a billion officers will attend the rally.

Diana considered marrying Khan

The inquest into the death of Princess Diana has heard how she had considered marriage to Khan Noonien Singh, a genetically engineered tyrant from the late 20th century. Diana's former butler Paul Burrell told the inquest that the Royal household was very opposed to the Princess of Wales marrying the noted mass murderer and long-time nemesis of USS Enterprise captain James T Kirk. Friends had also counselled Diana against a union with Khan, the latest in a string of apparently unsuitable suitors for the princess, because he had shown little remorse over his use of torture and genocide in the Eugenics Wars. But Diana told them that it was still better than being married to Prince Charles. "From Hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee," the Duke of Edinburgh told reporters.

Alarm over organ donor announcement

Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!

[The crowd murmurs and whispers in consternation. Dr. Hfuhruhurr speaks aside to Dr. Conrad.]

Dr. Hfuhruhurr: What are they saying?

Dr. Conrad: Zey are just saying "murmur, murmur, murmur".

Hain: Can I borrow a tanner?

Work and Pensions Secretary Peter Hain has come under fire for failing to declare over £100,000 donated as part of his campaign to become Neath's "Mr All-Over Tan Of The Year" for the 17th consecutive year. Mr Hain came 5th.
"Bronzing Oil don't come cheap," he said in a prepared statement.
Laboratoire Garnier, makers of Ambre Solaire, are reported to have gone into receivership following the news of Mr Hain's difficulties.

Fears that endorsement may damage Obama

Supporters of presidential hopeful Barack Obama fear that an endorsement by hopeless UK government minister David Lammy will do irreparable damage to his campaign.

In other news: John Kerry endorsement seals Clinton win.

Hillary wins New Hampshire with late surge in support from women

Special thanks to Michelle and Maureen.

Pundits furious as US voters get it wrong again

Story here.

US voters nervous about Giuliani confidence

Americans are hoarding tinned foods and bottled water, as Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani remains eerily confident that his flagging campaign can be turned around somehow. Former New York mayor Giuliani, whose campaign has focused heavily on terrorist threats to the US, appears unconcerned about gathering no delegates from the Iowa caucuses and the Wyoming convention, and trailing in the New Hampshire primary. "Something's not right. He's so blasé about finishing behind Ron Paul in Iowa," said terrorist expert Michael Scheuer. "He must know something's coming. Run! Run! Aieeeeee!" he added. Giuliani himself has largely refused to comment about his position in the polls. "It's a long primary season and we're running a national strategy," said Giuliani campaign co-chair Steve Forbes. "Almost anything could happen. Anything! Just when you least expect it!"

January gloom gives way to joy

hallelujah

Tories target long-term jobless

More.

0.1pc of US revels in democratic exercise

Commentators hailed the Iowa caucuses as a victory for democracy, after an estimated 350,000 American citizens went to the polls to choose two presidential candidates on Thursday. Representing a whopping 0.1pc of the US population, the mass turnout of residents of the 30th largest state of the union has already thinned out the field of Republican and Democratic candidates and gone a long way to determining who will hold the most powerful office in world politics from 2009. "Picking presidential candidates is a big decision," said Raymond Staples, resident of neighbouring state South Dakota, which does not hold its party primary elections until June. "I'm just glad Iowa's there to do the job for us." The presidential candidates race is expected to be all but over after eligible voters among the 0.4pc of US citizens living in New Hampshire go to their primary on 8 January.

Millions hit by vomiting bug

Millions of Londoners have been struck down with severe nausea at the thought that Ken Livingstone might be re-elected Mayor in May. Unusually high levels of vomiting were reported as Londoners realised that Boris Johnson is the alternative. The only cure for "voter vomiting virus", as the Livingstone bug is called, is the destruction of Israel and the stoning of gays.

Madman releases video threat to US

Religious Affairs Desk - News Roundup

Priests brawl at Jesus' birthplace.

Priest kills himself promising to come back to life.

Priest pleads not guilty in nude jogging case.

Flying Spaghetti Monster wins anti-evolution battle.

Twins reunited after 40 years apart

Story.

Gordon Brown looking to improve opinion poll ratings in New Year

This might be his best bet.

AC/DC: Rock And Roll Ain't Noise Pollution

Art School graduates Blur take time out from guest editing the Today programme and making cheese to play some rock and roll.

Happy Christmas from the boys

New row over deportation of foreign nationals

There was outrage this morning after it emerged that foreign nationals cannot be deported for idiocy. John Pilger is Australian.

Christmas put back to June as Brown orders new review

Downing Street today launched a review into Christmas with the effect that Christmas Day has been postponed for at least six months and will fall in June 2008 at the earliest. The move is further evidence of the Prime Minister's determination to distance himself from Blairite policy and comes after the previously announced reviews into the relaxation of gambling and drinking laws. The conservative party this morning responded by calling Mr Brown increasingly weak and indecisive. "This is a million miles away from the decisive leadership he promised," said a spokesman.

Putin suggests new "Politics Czar" role

Vladimir Putin has proposed creating a new "Politics Czar" government position, which he could move on to fill when his Russian presidential term ends in March. The holder of the new post – which Putin suggests could carry the formal title "Czar of all the Russias" – would be responsible for ensuring autocratic rule, encouraging pogroms against minorities, and reinstituting serfdom for the poorest third of the population. Time Magazine named Putin "Person of the Year" for 2007 because Al Gore was not despotic enough, although third-placed JK Rowling was briefly considered.

Magna Carta to replace US Constitution

A US businessman has bought a rare copy of the Magna Carta, and plans to donate it to his government as a replacement for the missing Constitution. David Rubenstein paid £10.6mn in an auction at Sotheby's in New York for the 800-year old document, which will now be kept in the same display case as the original Constitution, last seen being taken by vice-president Dick Cheney into his private washroom nearly three years ago. White House spokesperson Dana Perino says that president George Bush is unhappy at the limits the Magna Carta puts on his office, and plans to challenge attempts by Baron Henry de Bohun of Hereford, Baron Eustace de Vesci, Lord of Alnwick, and the ACLU, to make him renounce kingly prerogatives, respect the right of habeas corpus, and accept that his will could be bound by the law.

Porter hits back at Toynbee in civil liberties row

'Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?'

"People's Politics" reveals People to be idiots

Nick Clegg's announcement that he will create a nationwide panel of families to advise him on the issues of concern to them has led to some radical rethinking of Liberal Democrat policies. Early polling suggests the key issues of concern to ordinary families across Britain include the unavailability of Nintendo DS in time for Christmas; the treatment of X-Factor's Rhydian and the proliferation of parent and child parking spaces in Asda's car park. Proportional representation and the future of Kosovo were not thought to feature in the top ten.

Amnesty International shocked by latest human rights atrocity in Iran

Story here.

New imperialist aggression hits festive season

Full story.

Knock off gear provides nice little earner for Queen

The Queen has her own lockup, it was revealed this week, as Customs & Excise admitted that smuggled goods, fags and drugs had been nicked from the depot - officially titled "The Queen's Warehouse". The Queen and a sheepskin coat-wearing Prince Philip are thought to make regular trips to the lockup, usually in a yellow three-wheeled Robin Reliant. A spokesman for the Royal family refused to comment on claims that Prince Philip was indeed "a plonker".

Festive Top Ten - Results in

Here.

Italian flies in to save English football

Dante Alighieri is expected to be named England football manager this weekend after fruitful talks with the FA. Speaking today a spokesman for Dante said that the new manager's first job would be to purge the lustful, the gluttonous, the avaricious, the violent, the dishonest and the slothful from the team. England team captain John Terry was tonight reported to be lying in the freezing mud of the Third Circle of Hell guarded by the monstrous three-headed dog Cerberus.

The mighty Led Zeppelin reunite

Exclusive bootleg footage of last night's concert here.

White House latest victim of subprime crisis

The US government's executive branch was without offices on Monday, after the Providence Lending Corporation repossessed the White House because of late mortgage repayments. Surrounded by document boxes and fax machines on the pavement of Pennsylvania Avenue, President George Bush vowed to introduce legislation in Congress granting financial relief to casualties of the subprime mortgage crisis, or to borrow some money off of Canada or Mexico. The president then asked if anyone knew where the nearest Starbucks was, and if his laptop computer would get "free internets".

English National Ballet latest production

Details.

Ofsted demand higher standards in poetry teaching

Full story.

Oil consumers disappointed by Opec decision

Opec has decided to keep oil output levels stable this winter, despite calls for more production from leading consumer advocate Lord Humungus of the Wasteland. "Leave the oil tanker. Just walk away, and I'll spare your lives," Lord Humungus told Opec ministers, who have largely been confined to a small compound by Mohican-sporting consumer groups on motorbikes. Opec may review its decision in February, although former police officer Mad Max has agreed to find a more immediate solution to the impasse in exchange for a cannister of gasoline.

Man missing for years to be quizzed by cops

A mystery man who disappeared without trace for ten years is to be interviewed by police. Gordon Brown, a 56-year-old father of two, went missing between 1997 and 2007 whenever waters got choppy and now claims to have no memory of what happened or where he was during the past decade. A family member, speaking to reporters today, said: "Gordon remembers nothing at all about that time. He particularly doesn't remember anything whatsoever about illegal donations of £650,000."

Food: the silent killer

A group of researchers issued a warning yesterday that ingestion of a commonly-found substance can dramatically increase the chances of dying. The substance, known as "food", can be found in many shops and homes in Britain and around the world, although it is rarer in parts of Africa. A survey of a number of people in a place showed that 84% of those who ate food suffered ill health at some point over a subsequent period, with 21% of them showing a marked increase in the incidence of cancer, heart disease and other ailments. Dr Marion Chung, co-author of the report, said, "This report should be a wake-up call to those people who have been eating food on a regular basis without paying attention to the consequences. If they continue eating, although it may keep them going in the short term, in the long run they will die."

Thinking Satanists reject Neo-Nazis

Can a Jew ever become a Satanist? Find out here.